casually coming out on facebook

[KamTheMan]

so i had pretty much completely quit using facebook when my gender issues came to light. i couldn't be male on there so i didn't want to deal. after living and working as male this winter with a lot of people from south america that i became friends with, i decided to get back on facebook to maybe be able to keep in touch. first i did a lot of editing. i untagged myself from a lot of pictures and made most of my own completely private. then i changed my name to the shortened one i've been going by, set my gender to trans*, and set it to use neutral pronouns. i figured neutral would be so noticeable to old or new friends. late last night i changed my profile picture and set my pronouns to male at the same time. so [name] changed his profile picture. no one's said anything about the change. well, my aunt has taken to using my first initial instead of my full name when posting which is funny. i was nervous about whether i would send this big notice to everyone, but i think i'm gonna stick with this subtle approach..

[Ayden]

I don't know where you are with telling extended family and friends. That being said, do what makes you comfortable. I never changed anything on mine because even though most of my family knows, a lot of my family still think of me how I was two years ago. It doesn't bother me, but I know for some it can be triggering. I'm also never on Facebook and I consider it an obligation for than anything else.

Either way I think subtle changes are fine.

[Charliedogist]

I came out pretty darn publicly on FB. I did block a few people from seeing my post about my transition, until my partner was ready and able to explain to those people what was going on (his friends, more than mine, though somewhat mutual)

I also changed my pronoun to male, changed my name to what I'm going to use as my legal name when I scrape the cash together, ect.

My mom is steadfastly ignoring it. One of my siblings doesn't care, and is just, there, I guess. Her words were "I don't judge, I only support" so that was nice. My younger brother and older sister were upset I didn't come to them before posting it so publicly on FB, but my older sister has come to me about it, and expressed that she supports me in my decision. My younger brother and I used to be closer, but he hasn't said anything about it really.

Thinking of that, I really do need to sit him down and have a chat with him.

My older brother I only have limited contact with (not by choice either, but I don't want to really go into that) I know he would probably be vehemently opposed to it, but would eventually get over it, because he loves me.

My mother doesn't know I'm on T, but with the facial changes and voice dropping, she's starting to pick up on it. She doesn't want me to use hormones, but it's my life, is how I feel about it, and I'm going to do what I need to do to be comfortable in my own body.

My father is... weird, and I'm autistic, (high functioning, but still have a lot of sensory issues) and I suspect he's also autistic, but he's been ignoring it.

I think once I change my name, legally, it will become more real for them.

[Daydreamer]

I was that invisible kid in high school and most of the people on my friends list are pretty much people I went to school with. When I changed everything, nobody really noticed or care. To my knowledge, the only people who really noticed are people that work with my mom who I friended. I didn't have any negative reactions. Like I said nobody really cared or had anything to say about it for the most part.

I did, however, get a message from a classmate on tumblr who congratulated me on being vocal and brave with being out about my identity. I don't think I ever made a public notice of "hey I'm trans" though.

[Julia-Madrid]

It's weird, having this massive life history open to half the world on Facebook, and to now confront the fact that so much of your stuff is... what exactly?  No longer relevant?  Outdated?  Not me?  Someone else? 

But if you want to be true and honest, what's the best approach?  Kill off the old you, or accept that you're a much more complex person and have an, ahem, interesting history?

So far, all I've done is tweak my profile photo, and despite it become much more femme, most people aren't getting the subtle hints.  Certainly my family "like" everything,  and even when I come out to them they're still going to be shocked, no doubt!

So, brothers and sisters, what are your experiences with FB?  A few likes, a couple of messages, and then total indifference, like "go for it, girl, dude, whatever..."??

J

[Kreuzfidel]

That's a good approach IMHO.  It's what I did and now everyone just refers to me by the name I have on Facebook (my male name) and my male gender - even family to whom I've never even officially came out to. *shrug*

[Mr.X]

I did almost the same, but took it a step further.
Like you, I started with changing my name to just initials. Then I set the pronouns to male.
A couple of months later I had a job in which I was pretty much stealth, and knew that they would want to add me on facebook. This was risky, because there's always the chance of people calling you a her or whatnot, when tagging or replying. So I decided to delete my entire profile. No need to look up links and untag that way. I put a message on my facebook a week before deletion. Something along the lines of: most people will know why I'm deleting this. I'll be making a new profle. If you'd like to stay friends, send me a message or reply to this and I'll add you on the new profile. A week later I deleted it and created my new profile, adding the people I still talk to. It was also a great way of cleaning out your friends list, ridding yourself of people you don't talk to.

[aleon515]

I actually did FB before I came out (to everybody). I started a new acct. I have never actually come out on the old one, but it's odd as I stopped reading it. I don't have a lot of cousins and so forth though, so none of the old acct were family (well they were but I invited her over).

--Jay

[JayDawg]

I also created a new facebook with my new name. So far, I'm out to 5 really old friends and they've all come over. I'm in no rush to out myself to the rest, or to the family. They don't need to know right now. I figure I will eventually just delete the old facebook and move forward with the new one.

-Jay

[BrotherBen]

I did sort of a "limited release"- a lot of the friends I see regularly in person are in a private facebook group, so I asked them to be my "early adopters" and try to start using my new name/pronouns. This was great as it allowed me to avoid coming out in person to every single individual, but since my old name was still showing up on facebook, it was harder for them to remember. So I changed it publicly, and posted my coming-out announcement along with it, along with a link to a more detailed FAQ on tumblr for those who didn't mind the TMI. This was right around the time of my very first T shot, so I could have put off coming out at work longer, but since I did have a couple work friends on facebook, it had kind of a domino effect. I knew they might have trouble keeping the secret at work, so that same week I sent out my (much less detailed) announcement email to my team at work. It all went really fast, but it felt great to have it over with and for the most part, the reactions were overwhelmingly supportive.

I love "passing" but at the same time, I don't mind having people know my whole story. It's a part of who I am.

[Alexthecat]

I just made a new facebook. Then it was easier for my friends on it to know that the people on there were the ones that "knew".

[Julia-Madrid]

Probably I'm going to do what I've done with everyone else...  just be direct, change my avatar and gender, and leave a message on my timeline.  I don't have a gazillion FB friends, and half of those are so damn self-absorbed that I probably won't get much more than a "like" from them in any avent LOL.

And I agree with BrotherBen - why would I want to erase 10 years of FB history and 30 of my life - seems kinda weird.  People will adapt, and the ones that don't weren't your friends in any event and will disappear on their own....