When I start transitioning, I'll be a good age for beginning HRT because it will have optimal effects. I already have a feminine facial structure and my hair is long, I've tested out wigs and makeup in apps and I've been told countless times in numerous places including my Instagram that I am beautiful. I even got a few comments where people don't believe I'm even transgender, because they think I'm a biological woman. Someone even said, in, admittedly, a context I don't quite get, that I'm not transgender. Whether they were giving me the ultimate compliment, are clueless, or have something against me to the point where they would say something like that to upset me, I'm not sure. Regardless, I do get a LOT of comments calling me things such as "stunning" and "gorgeous". This is all pre-HRT, too. I've never talked to a single person who is not either a transgirl or a person very knowledgable in trans subjects that told me I'd be anything less than model status.
Glamour has always been a thing I'm infatuated with, and is not necessarily related to transitioning. Not to be specific, but the way some people in the past have treated me based on the fact that I identified as female online and never gave proof because I had always been in boymode was horrific, the offensive names they had called me, the incessant and constant bullying over my gender, gender identity, sexuality, the way these men treated me...it was despicable...and the complete lack of guys I've found in real life who would be willing to date me as a boy is blaring. I'm missing my prom because of this, as well as the fact there is no way in HELL I'll ever show up with male clothes in such a gender-specific clothing event. That'd make me feel so uncomfortable.
So all these things in mind...the way people have hurt me in the past because I'm 'not really a girl', the way I've been rejected time and time again, social expectations regarding clothing, attitude, posture and everything else that I'm expected to follow...I don't just want to be female...I want to be the most gorgeous girl I can be. I want heads to turn when they look at me, in a positive way, I want to look biologically female, I want to be a model. I want everyone who ever talked ->-bleeped-<- about me to know that they never brought me down, that the woman they toyed with and left behind really turns out to be more beautiful, on the inside and outside, than anyone they will ever date. Being an unattractive female will prove people's points about me, and I know for a near-fact that I won't be ugly as a woman, even though my father tries to tell me that. That being said, I will transition regardless of if I'm beautiful or not.
I am not a male. In no way except biological could I ever be considered male. There is not a single moment in any day where I can say that I have done or felt something remotely masculine. Whenever there is a boy or girl group, I always drift over towards the girls. Most of my friends are either girls, who I am much more comfortable with, or more feminine/accepting guys. I cannot stand being referred to as a male through the use of incorrect gender pronouns, I hate feeling pressured to conform to the male stereotype of wearing only certain clothes that aren't feminine, I hate feeling like I have to listen to a certain type of music, and the thing is, I don't do anything masculine. It's not that I would even assimilate no matter how much the pressure to be masculine was. My personal interests are more in the field of a female's, and that's just what I like. I don't speak masculine, I don't walk masculine, I don't feel masculine, I'm seriously cursed in the body of a male. I've been living as a female all but physically for a long, long, time now, and it was only relatively recently that I learned of the exact ways to achieve my dreams.
I can't tell you how amazing it feels that after years of identifying as a female on the inside, I've finally learned that it is an achievable feat, that my one true dream in life can and will come true, and in just under a year and a half, if not a little bit longer...I'm ecstatic. I can't wait to be that girl I've always dreamed of, with the extra perks of possibly being a model.
I've come to love life.
