my dysphoria rant

[Kaydee]

I introduced myself a while ago, but have not been very good at sharing my experiences with you.   I tend to bury my thoughts in a journal which does me a lot of good, but doesn't allow me to share with others.

So I am in my 50's and never knew I was transgender until last December.  Since then I went through a period of denial. Then in March accepted that I am indeed transgender.  In fact, looking back at my life, I wonder how I could not know I was transgender.  But I am trying to move forward, not look back at lost years...

A couple weeks ago I started experiencing moments of pure joy when I would accept myself as a girl inside.   Sometimes I would be doing typical guy labor like cutting/hauling firewood, and instead of feeling bad for myself, I might say, "but I am really a girl,'  and just feel this glow inside and I couldn't help but smile.   I can't say that I have smiled very often in the last few years, and I'd really forgotten what it was like to feel joy.   And I should say that the first few times this happened I was surprised.  Its not something I saw as a part of the trangender process.  It doesn't make all the dysphoria and anxiety and fear of the future worth it.  But at the least it gives me hope that I can be happy.  It also helps remove any lingering doubts about whether I am really transgender.

So I am learning to think of myself as a girl.   Sometime I find this easy.  Other times I find myself fighting the idea - my male pride getting in my way?   

Over the last few days the dysporia has risen to a higher level.  I have been obsessed with the whole idea of being trans ever since I realized I had joined the club.   But somehow now the drive to be female and to be feminine is taking over my life.  I find myself wanting to shop for my girl self every day.  At work, instead of concentrating on what i should be doing I find myself online looking at clothes, or looking at fashion blogs or other girly sites I never would have given notice to a few months ago.  And if I do get focused, some young student walks by and triggers a whole new round of dysphoria.  Sometimes its hell working at a university where there are all these young girls around acting like girls do - and I feel this mixture of jealousy and anger b/c I missed being a young lady.

For the last week I have slipped into a skirt while getting breakfast.  My wife sleeps in and so I have been able to use this as my cross correctly dressed time.  It is something I found makes a good start to the day.  This morning I noticed that as I was removing my femme clothes a feeling of wrongness - a feeling that I should be able to stay dressed as the girl that I am.  Just one more time when the she part has asserted herself.  Of course I had to disappoint her - and probably will pay for it.

I don't know where this rant is headed.  I guess I just need to vent some.  Probably nothing I say here is new to many of you.     But this time its me and I selfishly think its more important...

Maybe this is what I need to say.  Several times I have been thinking about things and I find myself thinking, ' Well after you have transitioned....'.   And I always stop the thought there, startled by the T -word.  Transition is not a thing that I am ready to consider yet.  Not in any serious way.  But it appears that in some subconscious way I have already decided to transition.  And that scares me.   Because for the last few months its all been about what my subconscious wants and when I try to oppose her I become a depressed mess of a person.

So I feel myself driven towards transition and without any choice in the matter.  On the one hand I feel I am beginning to do things too quickly (the male part of me), but on the other hand she just wants to be herself and wants me to stop dragging my feet.  And I am beginning to realize there is no solution but to move forward. 

And there is no good placed to stop this post.  I have ranted enuf.  I will stop.  Now.

[Jessica Merriman]

I can totally relate to everything you said because I have been there. Once Pandora is out of her box you will never get her back in.

When I went full time I had a totally euphoric first couple of months. Then it became even better because I knew I would live the rest of my life like that. Now it is all comfortable and familiar. Before I started transition seriously I went full out in dressing my correct gender. It used to make me cry and get depressed when for some reason I had to remove the wig, breast forms and everything else. I finally got to the point I could not sleep at all unless everything was on. With HRT I no longer have to take it off because it is all me and it is the best feeling in the world. It is not all roses, but I deal with things so much better and with more compassion and empathy. I lost a lot of things in the process of transitioning, but I have gained more than I ever lost. I gained the real me and that is priceless. You will get there just have patience and don't rush too much. PM anytime you need to talk.

[nicki]

Hey Kaydee, everything you say is so familiar to me as well except I have known about, but denied, my true self for nearly 50 years. 2 years ago it all became too much and I had to let her out, and as Jessica said, once the box is opened, she won't go back.

Like you I would found myself browsing clothing websites, Susan's, and all manor of trans related blogs when I was supposed to be working. I used to be a voracious reader but can now no longer read anything unless it is trans or transition related.

I have found that the more you learn, the more you try things, the more you dress, the more you want and need it and the more it becomes normal and the harder it is to return to drab world. Like Jessica I now have trouble sleeping without my breast forms and a nightie.

Keeping a little of her visible while in boy mode has helped. I now have longish hair, some jewellery and nice fingernails and keep my body shaved all the time. I get a few odd stares and comments but I just shrug them off with a smile.

The most calming thing I have done has been to actively move towards transition. I have come out to my wife, mother and my GP recently and the sense relief was overwhelming. In a few months I hope to start HRT and then eventually go full time.

Occasionally I doubt my self and think what am I doing, but instead of 'purging', now I wait a few hours or days knowing that the panic and doubt will subside and she will be back even stronger and more determined.

I would also recommend finding a good experienced psychologist. My GP found one for me and she has really helped me to come to terms with all this.

Good luck moving forward, take it slowly and don't be too hard on yourself.

Nicki xx

[Kaydee]

I can totally relate to everything you said because I have been there. Once Pandora is out of her box you will never get her back in.

When I went full time I had a totally euphoric first couple of months. Then it became even better because I knew I would live the rest of my life like that. Now it is all comfortable and familiar. Before I started transition seriously I went full out in dressing my correct gender. It used to make me cry and get depressed when for some reason I had to remove the wig, breast forms and everything else. I finally got to the point I could not sleep at all unless everything was on. With HRT I no longer have to take it off because it is all me and it is the best feeling in the world. It is not all roses, but I deal with things so much better and with more compassion and empathy. I lost a lot of things in the process of transitioning, but I have gained more than I ever lost. I gained the real me and that is priceless. You will get there just have patience and don't rush too much. PM anytime you need to talk.

Yes, I've realized Pandora is out about a week after finding out about myself.  She is just been a bit more distracting the last week or two.  Dysphoria has taken on a whole new meaning to me.

I will need to find some better ways to cope.   Fortunately I will see my therapist next week.  Maybe she can help me find something to reduce the continual need.   I have been thinking about asking her about low-dose HRT.   I guess that will be part of the conversation.

Thanks for the offer of PM - I'll probably take you up on it sometime.

And I have been enjoying watching you as you transition.  You have been an inspiration.

[Kaydee]

Nicki,
  Yes, it sounds like we have a lot in common.  I'd grow my hair out, but I am going to have to be a wigs girl.   My wife is unaccepting of my changes, so I can't really show much outside.  I do keep my toenails painted and have worn panties or pantyhose under my regular clothes.  But I think I need to do something more open.   

Thanks for your reply.  I will be seeing my therapist soon.  Hopefully she will have some suggestions.