I'm the perfect example..

[Confused888]

that you don't choose to be like this, it just happens....been in denial about it for years...repressing it hoping it goes away....i have no friends and a dead end job...I've been fighting it for years and it's been very painful...I finally told my mom Saturday night that I feel like a boy and I was supposed to see a new doctor this morning but she cancelled because she said she was sick...I've been so depressed for so long over this and I can't deal anymore...I either do the change or I'm gonna end up killing myself...I can't take the emotional pain from it anymore (( does anyone else feel this horrible?

[Kara Jayde]

Many of us felt that horrible before we accepted the path to transition, from what I've read on the forums here.

I personally never became suicidal over it, but that's because I was in hardcore denial about my dysphoria for most of my life. I still suffered from depression and became suicidal at points in my life, but didn't even know why. I used drugs and religion as a form of escapism and ignored my true feelings. Now that I know what it was that made me (and makes me) miserable, I can change it. Thus, I am opting to transition, and this fills me with a lot of relief now, more than I ever had before I accepted my dysphoria.

Just accept yourself, and accept (if you've made the decision to transition) the transition. Now that you're on that path, it doesn't have to happen over night because it is and will happen ^_^

I hope you start feeling better and relax. If you're organizing transition and your mother has accepted you, you're in a good position.

[Confused888]

Thanks for responding...I'm trying to completely accept it, it's just tough...and omg I know that state of denial...I was in denial as much as a person could possibly be at one point...not knowing why you have such anxiety and depression...I also felt like I had this wall up between me and other people...like I was hiding this huge secret and if anyone got close, they'd find out I was really a guy...ugh just a lot of really tough times but nothings worse then not knowing why you feel so distant from people and depressed...atleast now I know, even though it's not exactly what I wanted :/

[Kara Jayde]

Haha yeh, I hear you. Transition isn't exactly something I'd have wanted either, but I prefer to transition than spend the rest of my life is that isolated, distant, emotionally reserved and cold, confused and miserable state. I'm even getting to the point where I want to transition regardless of whether I pass or not, just because that way I'd at last be happy (though socially I'd face new hurdles, obviously). I had that same wall with people constantly, because I'd be trying to masculine all my behaviour before it was revealed to the world, and so I was never just 'myself', I was always one step removed from life -_-

[Fred86]

that you don't choose to be like this, it just happens....been in denial about it for years...repressing it hoping it goes away....i have no friends and a dead end job...I've been fighting it for years and it's been very painful...I finally told my mom Saturday night that I feel like a boy and I was supposed to see a new doctor this morning but she cancelled because she said she was sick...I've been so depressed for so long over this and I can't deal anymore...I either do the change or I'm gonna end up killing myself...I can't take the emotional pain from it anymore (( does anyone else feel this horrible?

I know the feeling but try to stay strong, talk to us, to anybody you can until you could see a doctor. But whatever happens, do what it takes to pull through this time so one day you will be happy with who you are.

Many of us felt that horrible before we accepted the path to transition, from what I've read on the forums here.

I personally never became suicidal over it, but that's because I was in hardcore denial about my dysphoria for most of my life. I still suffered from depression and became suicidal at points in my life, but didn't even know why. I used drugs and religion as a form of escapism and ignored my true feelings. Now that I know what it was that made me (and makes me) miserable, I can change it. Thus, I am opting to transition, and this fills me with a lot of relief now, more than I ever had before I accepted my dysphoria.

Just accept yourself, and accept (if you've made the decision to transition) the transition. Now that you're on that path, it doesn't have to happen over night because it is and will happen ^_^

I hope you start feeling better and relax. If you're organizing transition and your mother has accepted you, you're in a good position.

I am very much the same as Nattie. I had been in deep denial for 26 years... I tried so hard to fit in all of my life but I never quite knew why it wouldn't work. The moment it hit me it was just a relief. It was a bit like being in a place where there's this annoying buzzing sound in the background but you don't notice it until it stops. Then you finally realise what has been happening and many things you went through (mostly in puberty), sometimes horrible things, suddenly make sense.

[Hex]

I've felt the same as you. I met my husband when I was 17 and life caught me off guard and before I knew it I had just accepted the fact I was female and there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it. I had 2 wonderful children, and a marriage but none of us were happy because of me. I had given up trying to feel like I felt for years until the last 3 years when I really started to look into it and realize it was possible. Then over the course of those 3 years I just denied it even harder. I was afraid of a divorce, my children hating me, things going absurdly wrong and my life turned upside down. I was so unhappy and depressed I did contemplate suicide a few times.

About a year and a half ago, I started testing the waters more. Got my hair cut short, wore more of my husbands clothes on a daily basis ect. Then last summer I got my hair cut like a man and things just clicked. My husband is bisexual so it really helped I guess. Many nights I'd sit at my computer looking up information on ftm until 3am. Deathly afraid still of saying anything for fear of him hating me. But I really just blew it out of the water. I couldn't take it anymore. It was either I fessed up to what I was feeling and risk divorce, or risk divorce because I was utterly miserable. So I took it for all it was worth.

And I'll tell you what. My life is amazing now. I can't even begin to describe the elevation in my mood, my marriage, my children since I finally accepted my self for who I really was. You'll never know until you do it. And I'm glad I did.

[Samuel]

I tried for 38 years to squash myself into the wrong box. Once I 'woke up' and started taking the steps that needed to be taken, it's no longer feeling like everything in my life is a painful mismatch: it's like putting on a custom-made leather glove. Or slipping into a hot bath. Everything is just feeling more and more and more "right".

Don't give up. Don't let go. You started taking steps, there are always brief setbacks in a journey, this is just a brief setback. Hugs, brother.