Is anyone else obsessed with trans...thinking about it all the time?

[meganB]

At first I thought about it quite alot, then as my life became more busy it slipped off me a bit.
When my life calmed down it hitted me straight in the face (as I also started HRT in that busy part).

[Adam (birkin)]

I definitely went through this, for quite a while...largely in part because I was stuck as female for so long that I developed some really serious issues. It took me a while living as male to not be afraid anymore - I was terrified of reverting back to female somehow. Now I hardly think about it unless I have bad dysphoria. Actually, I noticed yesterday, I began writing a "letter I'd never send" to an old teacher, and I didn't feel the need to mention my gender issues once when I was writing about how life had changed since high school. Not once. It was a pretty big thing for me because for so long it consumed me and I was very unhappy.

[f_Anna_tastic]

I think about it quite often if I'm honest, usually if I'm on my own and not up to much.  I tend to pass a lot of spare time on my phone reading these forums or watching stuff on YouTube.

I'm only 6 months into it though so I'm still really early days, I would be surprised if I wasn't excited.

If I was a kid and was told I was going to Disney land I'm sure I'd be obsessing over that too

Luckily I'm going somewhere much more awesome

[Ltl89]

Well, obviously I think about it a lot.  It's hard not to.  I'm still not living as my indetified gender and I'm miserable keeping the charade going, yet I feel compelled to do just that until I'm in a better stage (emotionally and physically) of my transition.  So the misery of living a lie and not being true to myself gets severely overwhelming.  To the point that I fixate on suicide at times and think ending it would be a better solution.  Obviously that's not true and I have to fight through these feelings in order to make it out okay, but it can be really hard and mentaly exhausting.  I can't wait when it's just a fact about me and not something that controls my life.  Like I'll be free to go after my dreams and live as me.  Sometimes I wonder if that will ever really happen though.  I'm not sure. 

[Satinjoy]

There sure is a lot of hope in this thread.  There is a lot of fear associated with transition for me.  No I have not seen another trans face to face, I don't know where to go, and all .... will break loose if I do with my wife.  I have to stick with the forum, and I get sooo much help here it is incredible.  Plus the shrink.

We'll see.  Driving home I just threw up my hands and said it's hopeless.  Actually I held onto the wheel but you know what  I mean.  With HRT the drive to escape has been drastically reduced and now its the mind.  Today was rough. 

I see the endo Thursday and I know my e levels dip fairly low a couple times a day.   I am a little, no a lot, nervous about where he goes next as I can't afford shots, don't want the patch, and am close to the top estrogen dosage level.  Then my boobs are not big enough and I worry about that, they sure feel great though, and I can hide them.... but I want or need more there.  I was dissapointed I am a 34 ribcage and 37 across the boobs so I am still an A.  They hurt though;)

Fear in action.  I need to trust God for the results here more - He's in it I wouldn't have survived the meltdown otherwise - but trying to fight the thoughts is just turning out to be foolishness.  I do get relief from the sci fi flicks but now all the blood and guts stuff isn't as appealing.  Tons of stuff is subtly changing.  And I want to paint my nails with clear nail polish and go to work.  There are people there that would crush me if I do that.  And I have a few going... they break if I don't paint some of them and they are painted.

Where on earth do you girls and boys get the courage to do that FTE?  Its a place of terror for me.   Two of my daughters have seen me full transition and that went really great, but out in the world?  Impossible for me.  So much damage from the past there.

But I am willing to bet that this all has a happy ending for me.  But I am SCARED.  And there is no going back for me either, believe me, it's HRT or madness.

No wonder I think about it all the time.

I have to go now the kids want me to watch a nice tv show.  It's good that they and my wife need so much attention.  That certainly helps.

So many nice people in here.

[Skyler]

mm...i would say about 99% of my thought are about being trans..

[piglet smith]

I used to think about it a lot and it did keep me from doing many things due to the worries it dredges up. But after a few years, it got easier and nowadays, I really only think about it when I come here, the rest of the time, I'm either working or relaxing and other things are on my mind then. I think most will get past it, just takes time and allowing yourself to live as you wish without regret or fear over who you are.

[Kaydee]

I would say its an obsession with me.  Its only about 4 months since I realized that I was trans and for the first month or so, as I struggled with denial and hoped what I knew to be true wasn't, it just ate me up.  since accepting my self as transgender, it still occupies all my idle time: when I awaken at night its the first thing on my mind, in the morning the mind starts thinking about becoming a girl and will I do it and how... and on and on.  I find it hard to concentrate at work, and even when I do get to concentrate on work for a while some trigger will set me off and there I go again.

I do hope that as I come to accept the fact that I am a girl and need to do something about it that things will calm down a bit.  I have doubt that it will be any time soon...

[Satinjoy]

Couple of things seem to have helped this morning:

Breathe.

Just feel, don't think.  Just be.  Be me.

And just for today.  Trying to control tomorrow is where most of the thought life goes.  I cannot predict it.

I think the answer is that, and based on the thread, acceptance, being over time, and time itself, and finally the return to activities that bring joy.

I am feeling a bit better this morning.  It is hard to accept that I have something I can barely control and definitely cannot escape.

In the study full transition again.  I see more subtle physical changes...   

Enjoy...

[Misato]

I'm a year and three months in to full time and the fact I'm trans still weighs on me. I'm much happier than I was before, I don't drink when I don't want to anymore still, when I'm gendered appropriately my reaction is often suprise.

I'm not apprehensive about going to the ladies room anymore. Or at least not as apprehensive. But, I'm still reluctant to go underwear shopping which keeps me online for bras and panties.

The fact I am trans is still something I'm aware of. I am usually on edge, waiting and expecting to be misgendered by someone. Not a malicious misgendering, but an unintentional slip which I feel I have to forgive because, well, look at me. Listen to me even! In all honesty it may not be an "appropriate" reaction but once I would like to hear someone I've been spending time with say, "I had no idea!" when I out myself. Which I do do and will continue to do because:

1) I feel like a fraud sometimes and
2) I want the people I'm around to be relaxed so we both can put out guard down and maybe be friends.

Still, I do put myself out there to meet people and try new things. I'm usually offered cisgendered privilege. I'm comfortable enough these days that I can't wait to go to a concert this weekend and dress rock show sexy. But I think about that I'm trans and I am aware of the fact as well.

[Kara Jayde]

I only came out to myself about a month back, so yes, I'm currently more than obsessed with it. It's a full time job at this point for me - research, appointments, talking here, voice practice, make up practice, etc etc. Hell, last night all I dreamt about was transition related things. I've taken time off work to deal with all this, so I'd say it's probably normal (or at least I'd hope so, since I don't have time for anything that isn't transition atm). That being said, I'm obviously pre-op and pre-HRT so, just starting transition. I'd expect that once everything starts to change, the obsession will become slow changing reality (I feel like once I'm out to everyone, it'll become old news fast and then life will return to normal until I go full time, at which point it'll pass eventually and return to normal yet again).

[Veronica M]

I only came out to myself about a month back, so yes, I'm currently more than obsessed with it. It's a full time job at this point for me - research, appointments, talking here, voice practice, make up practice, etc etc. Hell, last night all I dreamt about was transition related things. I've taken time off work to deal with all this, so I'd say it's probably normal (or at least I'd hope so, since I don't have time for anything that isn't transition atm). That being said, I'm obviously pre-op and pre-HRT so, just starting transition. I'd expect that once everything starts to change, the obsession will become slow changing reality (I feel like once I'm out to everyone, it'll become old news fast and then life will return to normal until I go full time, at which point it'll pass eventually and return to normal yet again).

I am somewhat in the same boat Nattie, and yes it is very obsessive for me also. I only came out to myself two months ago...

[Eva Marie]

I used to think about it pretty much 100% of the time but not so much anymore. Getting dressed to go out is just that - it's going thru the closet and thinking that I don't have anything to wear and those shoes are wrong for this outfit and oh hey better paint those nails before heading out - in other words, normal girl concerns.

The last obstacle to me going full time is coming out at work and I have a rough plan for that in place, so I consider it handled for the moment.

Life is..... mostly normal at this point for me. I don't have much left to obsess over.

[Veronica M]

I used to think about it pretty much 100% of the time but not so much anymore. Getting dressed to go out is just that - it's going thru the closet and thinking that I don't have anything to wear and those shoes are wrong for this outfit and oh hey better paint those nails before heading out - in other words, normal girl concerns.

The last obstacle to me going full time is coming out at work and I have a rough plan for that in place, so I consider it handled for the moment.

Life is..... mostly normal at this point for me. I don't have much left to obsess over.

That is so cool Eva. Sounds like you are well on your way. Myself at this point I don't mind a bit being a, well, a little obsessive... (Yeah right) Personally I think that is all part of transition in the first place... It's new and exciting and I wouldn't miss it for nothing. I am just starting to live after stuffing myself in a closet for 45 years.... Loving every minute of it.

[RosieD]

To Nattie and Veronica (and probably a few others but I am typing on my phone which is a bit limiting), congratulations!  The coming out to yourself is the hardest part of transitioning. It takes a great deal of knowledge and self-awareneds. All the rest of what follows is just dealing with the practicalities of the situation. Certainly there are plenty of scary as you like things to deal with but (I feel anyway) once you have overcome your own internal inertia the rest of the process is just time and planning and patience. Oh, and perseverance. And occasional bloody-mindedness. Of course not forgetting. ..

Rosie.

[Veronica M]

To Nattie and Veronica (and probably a few others but I am typing on my phone which is a bit limiting), congratulations!  The coming out to yourself is the hardest part of transitioning. It takes a great deal of knowledge and self-awareneds. All the rest of what follows is just dealing with the practicalities of the situation. Certainly there are plenty of scary as you like things to deal with but (I feel anyway) once you have overcome your own internal inertia the rest of the process is just time and planning and patience. Oh, and perseverance. And occasional bloody-mindedness. Of course not forgetting. ..

Rosie.

Thank you Rosie... Yeah thus far it has been quite an adventure to say the least but thus far it's all good. Beats stuffing it in some deep dark hole in my head anyway...

[Satinjoy]

I had a better day today, just being, just accepting.  Didn't obsess quite as much.  But my wife set me off a little, wanted to know how I could possible keep my nails without everyone figuring it out, saying again it was "shameful".

At least this time it didn't trigger the old  "she's going to leave me" fear.   She asked why I couldn't cut my nails, and I just said, "its gender dysphoria dear, I can't explain it, but it hurts to do it, I cant cut them anymore.

Because I cannot stand being told that what I am is unacceptable anymore.  That who I am is "shameful".

Life as trans.  Even stealth.  I am just happy she still loves me.

Being forced to cut my nails equates to bullying to me.  I am sorry if that makes others uncomfortable, but if I was to show up in full transition, I am sure they would really get uncomfortable.  It would also be harmful to the marrage.

But today, I was comfortable in my own skin, and I didn't give a whoopie about what people thought.  I actually felt free for a while to just be a kind of eccentric me.

Not as much time obsessing.  More time being.  I think we found something here...

Love the posts  please keep them coming.  I completely feel the same way.  And that makes me feel better.

[xponentialshift]

Now that I have regular therapy, doctors visits and the promise of HRT in 2 weeks, I feel like my obsession is easing up. Or at least focusing.

Sadly I am no longer reading every post on Susans. I am missing about 40-50 per day now and skipping about 10 threads that don't interest me as much.

Granted I will probably catch up this weekend. After all I'm only 90ish posts behind right now.

[helen2010]

I am still obsessed but it is easing.  Once I knew that I was tg my next challenge was to understand and to accept this diagnosis.  Having achieved this and sharing this with friends I needed to take action - FFS, counselling, hrt and hair removal etc followed.  As I learned that I had options, that I can choose my path even if I don't know my destination the pressure has eased and I am less obsessed.  To a casual observer I would still present as obsessed but it isn't at the front of every thought, it does frame my thinking and my understanding of myself but it doesn't stress me, it provides strength and insight.  I no longer have to share with every one that I think will be supportive but I still dive into Susans at every opportunity so am probably still obsessed, but just not completely obsessed.

[Miranda Catherine]

I've been living as the woman I've always been for 31 months now and even though I don't think about it nearly as much as I used to, I think I still think about it too much. The worst was for the decades before I finally transitioned. I thought of being female probably at least once every ten seconds for decades. I have responsibilities I have to take care of, but if I hadn't transitioned there's no way I could have taken them. My mom had a stroke in December 2012, and I realize things happen for a reason when they happen. There's no way before living full time that I could have taken care of anyone, even myself till transitioning. I was a drunken, hopeless fool till the day I knew I had to transition or die. I stopped drinking 2 years 8 months ago and at first my thinking about being trans simply continued, but happily, for the first time in my life. My only thing that still bothers me now is that I'm Christian and I feel I continue to think about being TG too much and not enough about God and I feel guilty about it. Otherwise, I'm really happy about most things and my thinking's changed so much as time's gone by. I love being a woman and I hated being a male impersonator so much I tried to kill myself three times. How much worse can it be than that?