What a wonderful evening... But Sad...

[Veronica M]

So last night was a hoot... Got to meet one of my SO's clients who owns an Italian restaurant here locally. Not only was the food to die for, (yeah the diet went out the window...  ) but we ended up sitting at the bar after closing time till 3:00 am drinking $150 bottles of wine and top shelf scotch... While I am sure the owner is not a made man so to speak, he has all the attributes of one for sure... We had a great time and his cooking shills were five star to say the least, and I am really picky... Especially with Italian food.

Anyway, as I have not come out to my SO as yet, the cat almost came out of the bag this morning, and was hinted on quite a bit with metaphors to say the least on the way home. Yes, I had a wee bit to much to drink, but I really want to tell her this as I absolutely hate hiding this from her. She truly is my best friend, and she is an inspiration to me. While she is not the typical girl, as she has some male traits as well, I am finding this extremely difficult to say the least. We have been together for almost 20 years and have never had a single fight. Yes we have had our share of minor debates, but she is truly a one in a million girl. I really don't know what to do here. Part of me thinks she would accept my transition while the other side thinks I may lose her as my best friend. And yet I am almost prepared to accept it either or... I have to admit losing her would have an emotional drain to say the least. I am open to suggestions if anyone would like to help me out here.

[MelanieH74]

IMHO, you need to tell her. This will eat away at you not to mention it has to hurt keeping a secret from her that has this much impact on you.
I came out to my wife of 15 years last year. She freaked at first, but once she calmed down, I answered her questions the best I could and let her sit in on my counseling sessions, was tested by 2 psychologists for gender dysphoria and other things. She could then see it is real,causes me pain and is something I could not have prevented or"cured" and not just a phase. She was more upset that I didn't tell her sooner.

It was rough for a couple months, but we love one another, divorce wasn't mentioned, my teenage sons are cool with it, and my wife and I are closer than we have been in years!

I hope you the best

[Dee Marshall]

I agree that you have to tell her, and soon, but perhaps getting a therapist involved would help you get the best possible outcome for both of you.

[JLT1]

The act of hiding something of this magnitude can start the disruption of a partnership.  If that person loves you, they will know something is wrong and if that person isn't told, they will start guessing and then things can get ugly.  It is hard, it can get ugly but it needs to be done.

I started off with me..."I've got a problem." And then I went from there.  I let her know that I loved her and I didn't want to lose her several times during the conversation.  My wife is still here.  My wife still does not understand.  My wife does accept.  The rest is a work in progress.

Hugs,

Jen

[JulieBlair]

Hi Veronica,
If you tell her you have a chance.  If you don't, when she finds out you'll be a traitor.  I did the latter, and have paid the price.  I wish I had been given the courage of the lion instead of the intelligence of Toto.  You might consider talking to someone first.  They call em professionals for a reason.  I wish I had...
Good Luck and Hugs,
Julie

[Eva Marie]

I kept my wife up to speed as I figured things out about who I was. On July 20, 2013 I accepted that I was a transsexual. When I got home I told her with a heavy heart, because I was pretty sure that news was the final nail in the coffin for her. It was, and 113 days later she left me. We were soulmates and we had an incredible relationship for 27 years but she could not accept this change. It tore me apart when I watched her drive away for the last time.

You married a woman and she rightfully has certain expectations from you in your marriage. She might react to this news badly. It's something that all of us married trans people have to face.

Was it the right decision to keep going with transition and pay the price? For me it was.

I really hope that you and your wife can navigate these waters.

[Veronica M]

Thank you everyone for sharing your life with me along with your advice. It really means a lot to me. So Perhaps I need to give you an update... First off my SO and I are not married but have been together for a long time. (19 years) And also I have sought professional help. I have been in therapy now for almost two months. Never the less here is the deal... I have always preferred men over women and have always felt I was a women. I was just to scare to actually do something about it. As to my SO, we haven't had sex for over two years. Her going through menopause and me I just lost interest. believe it or not were okay with that. When I was younger I was also in a long term gay relationship it was pleasant but something was missing. Mainly me being a women. As my therapist put it I desire to be a women (or am a women) who is seeking a heterosexual relationship. And ya know what... She nailed it within 20 min. of me blurting this out like a bottle that had just been uncorked...

So here I am... I have my SO who is more like my best girlfriend, and me as a women who desires a man at some point... But I need to deal with me first. If this all sounds complicated you could imagine the crap running around in my head...  Believe me I know I have to tell her as it is weighing quite heavy on my mind, but on the other hand I also have to consider my stability in the process also. Last thing I want is to be on the streets at 56 years old. Yet and still I know I have to let her go. I have discussed this at length with my therapist and were working on a solution that will allow me to be me and perhaps still not lose my best friend. Yeah I could take the easy way out and just say I am going for a pack of smokes and never look behind me, but I couldn't live with myself if I did that.

So, here in the near future, I am going to drop the gender bomb on my SO and hopefully she will agree to come into therapy with me and my therapist. If she decide she doesn't want to, I can say I gave it my best and live with that. Perhaps in the end I will still have my best friend, but if not, it won't be for lack of trying. Coming to terms with my gender has to be the number one thing though as I can't go through another train wreck of depression that caused me to seek out therapy in the first place. I was far to close to suicide and that is not who I am. Being the real me has to be the priority. Hopefully the rest will work itself out. I am trying to be optimistic none the less.

Veronica

PS: Sorry for the small novel but I wanted to try to express what I am feeling.

[JulieBlair]

Hello my friend,
You know what you need to do.
You have consulted with your counselor, and come up with a plan, even if it isn't fully fleshed out.
So set a date and good luck.

I hope more than anything that it works out for you and for her.  Even if she would like a different therapist for the couples work, I hope she talks to someone.  No matter what you have people here who have your back.  I for one will not let you vanish in the night.  See you next week.
j

PS - 29 years?  Even in California you are married whether there is a ring involved or not.   

[Veronica M]

Hello my friend,
You know what you need to do.
You have consulted with your counselor, and come up with a plan, even if it isn't fully fleshed out.
So set a date and good luck.

I hope more than anything that it works out for you and for her.  Even if she would like a different therapist for the couples work, I hope she talks to someone.  No matter what you have people here who have your back.  I for one will not let you vanish in the night.  See you next week.
j

PS - 29 years?  Even in California you are married whether there is a ring involved or not.   

Awww... Thank you Julie, it is nice to know there are people such as yourself out there because I have to admit this is the scariest thing I have ever done in my life. And I have been through a lot of crap, but this tops the heap for sure. One day at a time right? As to my therapist and I we have a plan so I do feel batter about that.

Also, it's only been 19 years but I do realized you are correct... When that time come I don't think it will be totally ugly as were both reasonable adults still it is never easy.

Anyway, yes I am totally looking forward to next week, and hope you have a safe trip and a great day.

Hugs
Veronica