My wife found my Susan's account.
I'm in shock right now, still processing.
I'm at work right now, and as the shock wears off, I'm doing all I can to hold back the rush of overwhelming grief. While I was waiting for some copies to be printed out at the front office this morning, my principal passed by and casually asked how I was doing. He then stopped and asked again when he saw the look on my face; he didn't see my eyes, as I still had my sunglasses on. I choked out, "Problems at home." He nodded sympathetically, thanked me for being honest, and said something consoling.
The students aren't going to notice anything. It's 3 more days to their Spring break, and most of them are already out to lunch.
Here's how it went down:
It wasn't a good weekend. I got home from my Friday night class to find my wife asleep on the couch downstairs. There was a full glass of wine in front of her. When I woke her to put her to bed, she was groggy and mumbly, like she often is when she's just woken. When she woke up more fully, she went on the attack. I really don't even remember what was said. It was the same old refrain.
On Saturday, things were tense. I was out tutoring and running errands until the afternoon. I asked her to come bowling with me, and she did, but she was playing on her phone the majority of the time. I had thought she might want to play with me. After that, we went to dinner and a movie. She went to bed early.
On Sunday, we went to the Renaissance Faire. She was already mad at me because I'd gotten a little buzzed before we left. We went to the faire, in full pirate costume, and had a pretty decent time. About halfway through the day the mood dropped. I think that was due to both of us, honestly.
At the end of the faire, we got separated right near the exit. I waited around, looking for her for a quarter hour before going off to find the car. When I got there, there was a woman who also got separated from her group standing next to her car. We chatted a bit, and she offered me a cigarette. I've only ever smoked cigarettes socially, and could probably count the number I've had in my lifetime. But I was having one right now. That's when my wife walked up and saw me. I could see it in her eyes- the trigger had flipped.
We weren't out of the parking lot before she was screaming and throwing her ring at me. I stupidly dropped it out the window when she did this, leading her to angrily have to find it in the gravel at the side of the road. I shouldn't have done it, but the number of times that my wife has threatened our relationship since the start has been absolutely staggering. When she got back in the car, I said, "If you wanted to keep it, then why did you throw it at me like you didn't?"
Yeah, I was an ass. I'm not blameless.
The yelling continued all the way home, before she finally screamed, "I want you OUT!" about three miles from our place. The car was still moving, but I opened the door to do just that. When she slowed down enough, I jumped out, nearly killing myself in the process. When she pulled over to yell that I was crazy, I kicked a dent into the passenger-side door and she sped off. At some point here, I must have dropped my phone and not even noticed.
As I walked home, in full pirate garb, including a metal sword and a replica flintlock pistol, I stopped at a pub for some food. I don't even know what it tasted like. More than one person, seeing the look on my face, asked the bartender to get me a round. I declined all drinks, and after dinner I started the long walk home.
When I got there the atmosphere was chilly. She was already in bed, but I found my pillows on the floor. When I climbed into bed, she hopped out and stomped off. At some point in the night she came back to bed, I think.
The next morning, she was the first to wake up. Before she left, she came to the foot of the bed and said, "I don't even know you anymore! Sine when are you a smoker? What else don't I know about you? Last year you told me you were a girl-"
I stopped her, and she said, "Whatever. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but you're my biggest one. I have to go to work. I have responsibilities like an adult. You do what ever you want."
I, of course, have a job and responsibilities as well. Maybe I should not have pointed that out. She stomped off without telling me she loves me.
We went the whole day without communication. Our original plan for last night was to take my 87-year-old nana to dinner in Los Angeles. When I got there at 7:00, my nana told me to call my wife. With a feeling of emptiness in the pit of my stomach, I grabbed the phone and dialed.
After a minute of so of her telling me she didn't want to discuss the matter she had called about over the phone, she finally relented.
"I know your secret, Tegan."
I was speechless. She had opened my ipad, apparently to see if she could use the find-my-iphone app to help me. There's a password, but as she said, I use the same password on everything. When she opened the internet browser, there was Susan's.
She read my intro. She read my posts. She read my messages.
She informed me that she would not stay in a relationship with a woman. It didn't matter that I was questioning, it didn't matter that I'm seeing the therapist soon. She's not nearly as progressive, she said, as she thought. She started to say something about morality before she stopped herself.
Then she kept kind of repeating the same message. She told me that this was worse than cheating. She called me a liar. She told me she wanted a divorce.
I never ended up taking my nana out to dinner. She did hold me, though, while I wept. I drove home feeling like I'd been handed a death sentence. The walk to the door was my green mile.
She was waiting for me on the couch when I got inside. I pulled up a chair and sat in it, like a defendant waiting for judgment.
She spoke almost calmly, but there was a practiced distance in her voice. She informed me that we would live as roommates for now, but for how long she did not know. We would set up my old bed in our extra room.
She said that we don't have to tell anybody about this yet, but that she would not lie about us or what we are either. I guess that means just not bringing it up. She also said that she would divorce me eventually.
She kept calling me Tegan and even Teg. I asked her to stop. It felt dirty, wrong. I needed more time to figure this out. She pointed out that my nails looked pretty, and I again asked her to stop. She said she didn't understand why I wouldn't like her saying these things. I think she understood.
She told me that I was a liar, that I had been intentionally deceitful for our entire relationship. I explained that these feelings only hit hard a year ago, and only resurfaced a couple months ago. I was just trying to figure things out this time around; I just needed some time to figure myself out. I guess my time ran out.
She told me she had called her cousin, who is gay. I told her that I wasn't gay, but she said that she needed a support system. I get that, I guess. She also called our best friends and told them. That's fine. I wish it had come from me, but the point is that they're supportive (at least according to my wife).
We have a blowup bed, which she had inflated in our spare room. That's my room now. She wants to become much more formal about expenses. She reminded me several times that she couldn't say how long this arrangement might last. Certainly if I start hormones or start dressing, then that's probably it.
She told me that she loved me, and I told her that I loved her. She told me that I was a different person. Then she told me that I wasn't in love with her. That hurt. If I wasn't then this wouldn't be so hard.
She says she wants to remain friends., and to be a friend to me I honestly don't know what that means, or how much longer I'll have her by me.
I cannot believe I'm losing the most important person in my life.
I asked if- in the circumstances- I remain as I am; would we have a chance still? She said she did not know. If so, it would require a lot of therapy, and even then she doesn't know.
We sat there a while, as she reread my long intro and even quoted passages at me. It was awful. For both of us, I'm sure.
I have to give her credit. She was calm, and I suppose fair. She asked me not to villainize her here. I don't think I have.
My heart feels like a stone. The tears keep coming and it's all I can do to not them show in front of the students. I really don't know what is going to happen next, what I'm going to do.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I needed more time.
I already know who I am, but I needed more time to figure out the rest.
My heart is so crushed right now.
Sincerely,
I don't even know
