Before I go into details, I ask only for understanding.
Here's the rundown: pre-hormones (working on that!), pre-op, gay transman who is mildly intersexed = Yours truely
I know, I'm almost 26. Mentally, I'm not. I'm far older. I lost my father when I was 15, but my childhood really stopped when he had his heart attack 3 years prior. I was a 12 year old boy suddenly living every day with the knowledge that my Daddy could die that day. When he did die, it was from medical malpractice and I had to step up to the plate. My younger sister and I have been working on and off ever since. Being transgender has made it even more difficult to find employment, let alone date.
Currently I am single, though I do have an older (10 years!) cisgendered gay friend from Texas who has expressed interest. He knows I'm FTM but I'm not certain where this will go. We've been talking for four months and while both of us are adamant we take things slow before declaring ourselves a couple, there have been more than a few mutual messages/emails/texts that make it clear there IS a spark of sorts. We've agreed to wait as long as we need before we are ready to take things to warp speed level - boyfriend.
Now, I'm an admittedly pessimistic guy who operates as "prepare for the worst, hope for the best", in spite of two years (and counting) of therapy. I've been dumped, cheated on and outright rejected so many times in my life that I am very cautious about getting my hopes up. It's been four years since I had a boyfriend, yet part of me is determined to keep me from even thinking of this relationship lasting. Honestly, though. I care for him deeply and it annoys me because every time I get my hopes up even a little bit about a potential relationship it explodes in my face.
I struggle with bitterness over seeing most of my cis friends getting engaged, married and having kids. What am I doing wrong?
