fakeeeeeee

[sad panda]

Man, I hate myself. I spent last night just getting drunk and wanting to hurt myself and then I did and now i think it is infected. I've had chills all morning and I'm really nauseous. I don't even care.... I'm just bored with life. I'm tired of pretending I want to try really hard to keep living. Why is everyone forced into that. I mean, I only ever want things I can't have. And if I get them anyway, it never feels good. I never feel connected to anyone or anything, i get a flash of it, the sense that I could connect, and then it goes away and I feel hollow again. Life just feels so fake. People are so fake. Sooooo in denial of so many things. They make excuses for ->-bleeped-<- they do so they can still be a part of the act, even though they hurt everyone in the process. I just hurt myself instead. At least I can live with that. I love pain, like emotional pain especially, cuz it's so real. It can never be fake to be hurt. You can fake being hurt but you can't be hurt over fake reasons. If you are hurt it's real. I spend whole weeks just sitting there being deliciously hurt. It's the most real I will ever feel about anything. I feel so beautiful when I'm in pain.

I'm only trans bc of mental illness too. 100% sure of it. It's just the spice of life to do stuff like this. Get some problems to worry about, you know? Get an ego to protect. But it's not my ego. I can throw it away whenever and be empty again. How can you identify as something when you are incapable of forming a sense of yourself in the first place? yah right. I don't need to be trans, I might not even be feminine, or I might be, honestly who freaking knows. I'm just trying my hardest to be as fake as everyone else. It ain't easy though. It would be awesome if you could get rid of your fake detector. Then i could just tell people I'm whatever, do whatever, and they'd take me about as seriously as they do now anyway. They'd applaud me for being an awesome fake. God, I sound so stupid right now though. :/ by the way, I eventually do this, I mean this stupid monologue to anyone who gets to know me, cuz I get tired... that's why I don't keep friends.

Whatever. I can be someone but I can't feel like I am someone. i can be fake but it will never come as natural as it does to everyone else, and so I call it real when they can do it. They're such natural fakes. It's really incredible. Like go on facebook, holy crap, everyone is soooo good at it. I mean i can do it but i can't believe in it like them. Soooo yeah, I'm pretty jealous of that, life must be so cool if you actually believe everything about yourself. It's like being a prince/ss. You just deserve all these great things cuz you decided you do. You can just hurt other people and it's nbd. Didn't mean to. You would never have to feel guilty about being an awful person. It must be nice, and I get that that's how people can get so much done in life. Meanwhile I'm over here destroying myself because I hate having to see me and know me. I stay fake because I wouldn't want other people to have to actually know me. That would be awful for them.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Maybe it will be better if you actually try to let those around you know how you feel the same way you would tell them you are trans
let them know who you really are, at least who you think you are , this way it wont feel fake...
and Im sure you ll find others who feel like you too, its easier this way I think,,,

take care

[sad panda]

let them know who you really are, at least who you think you are , this way it wont feel fake...

Lordy if I had a dime for every time I thought I could do this and realized i was just making stuff up...

;o;

I don't even tell people I'm trans btw. They would never ever think that, even trans people think that makes me legit or something, but... yeah.... it's not true, I didn't need to be trans, but it's not like I can believe I'm a boy either.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

. it's not true, I didn't need to be trans, but it's not like I can believe I'm a boy either.

Thats why I meant , thats what you should tell other people
the whole truth about you , even if you arent certain its better than a lie...

I just think it will make you feel better if people accepted you for who you are,or something close to what you are
even if you feel like nothing , empty  etc

[kelly_aus]

Seriously? You are calling us all fakes?

Stop projecting, stop wallowing in your own self pity and do something to improve your situation. And don't tell me you can't, that's a cop out.

[Nero]

Aww sweetie. I feel so bad you're going through this. You've been so sweet and I really wish I could help you figure it all out.

Sometimes I wonder if this whole trans thing is real. Or did something just happen to make me this way? I think part of that though may be the dysphoria is gone now. Or what if it is that we choose who we are? I don't know. I think the stigma surrounding this and all the gatekeepers and everything does kind of force people into a narrative that may or may not feel real for them.

And then our new roles can kind of feel forced sometimes, almost like we feel we've got 'justify' this 'choice'. Or people assume we feel or want certain things. Like people just assuming I feel bad about not having a dick. I really don't. (sometimes there are things I wish I had the equipment for, but for the most part, I'm good with what I have). Or that I would want to be a stereotypical man. And I think I know what you mean a little bit, because if we were just cis men and women, there's a bit of a different feeling. Cis men and women are just 'as is' and their gender doesn't get called into question based on how they 'do' masculinity or femininity or whatever (okay, guys get called derogatory names insinuating they're female, but not quite the same thing).

And there's a little bit different of an accusatory tone for trans women. The whole 'trap' thing and stuff. And I guess that could intensify the 'fake' feelings.

But you're not fake. You're just living the best you know how.

let them know who you really are, at least who you think you are , this way it wont feel fake...

Lordy if I had a dime for every time I thought I could do this and realized i was just making stuff up...

;o;

I don't even tell people I'm trans btw. They would never ever think that, even trans people think that makes me legit or something, but... yeah.... it's not true, I didn't need to be trans, but it's not like I can believe I'm a boy either.

Like making what up?

[Johnny Tristan]

Seriously? You are calling us all fakes?

Stop projecting, stop wallowing in your own self pity and do something to improve your situation. And don't tell me you can't, that's a cop out.

I don't think they were calling us fakes, necessarily. Or at least it wasn't only directed at us.

I understand how you feel, sad panda. Not about regretting transition, but about the world being full of fakes. I've gone through a lot of ->-bleeped-<- in my life though, so I don't take pain that well. I've been abused and depressed since I was small. I've been through trials of fire, being forcefully distanced away from my fiancee (long distance for three years and went through nothing but threats, isolation, and discrimination from both of our families) to couch hopping (essentially homeless) to losing several friends and relatives (death).

Yeah, pain is real. It might be the most real thing out there, but don't feel like that is the only escape or answer. You can get the same "real" high from other things in life. Are you in a relationship? If you are, do you feel that you're both in love? Love overrides pain. It can BE a pain, of course, but it's more real than sinking under so deep that you can only resort to self abusive whether that be mentally, emotionally, physically, or even sexually. If you're not with someone right now, you'll find someone that you truly love. Or maybe that's not your cup of tea at all.

You know what I do? When I'm craving that real, raw, painful feeling... I listen to music. I close my eyes and get lost in the music, until your soul responds and you're moving to it. Not dancing, just bopping your head. Swaying, tapping your foot, moving your shoulders. I don't know your preference in music, but who helps me most is Jeff Buckley. He has a beautiful and haunting voice that just yells pain and sorrow, but it's translated in an elegant way. "So Real", "Grace", "Last Goodbye", "Eternal Life" are all songs that give me that effect, but you have to find your own music. Everyone is different.

Take a walk or take a drive. Cook. If you can't cook, learn. Eat your favourite food or if you really want to be sadistic, eat your least favourite food. Write your feelings out. Make a story, a poem, a journal. Do yoga, go to the gym--- go balls to the wall until your body forces you to stop. It hurts, but you benefit from it in the end. Sing. Dance. Have sex or masturbate. Take a nap when you're feeling down in the dumps. Avoid the internet or go on stumbleupon and discover new things. Watch films or documentaries that can either: make you feel better and happy or makes you feel like you can relate and that you're not alone. Play video games. Especially video games that you can take your anger out easily, just don't bring that aggressive behaviour to reality. Draw, paint, doodle. If you're religious at all, go to a church or pray. Cuddle an animal. Debate, if you're into politics or deep discussions.

The list goes on. Life is limitless. You don't have to surround yourself with fake people. Avoid Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr as much as you can. I know it's easier said than done, but you're only going to depress yourself further. Suicide isn't the answer, fixing your situation is. Be honest to God with your counselor or therapist if you're currently seeing one and tell them all things that are bothering you right now. All your regrets and all your accomplishments. It's important to get some help and aid into the right direction. They are there to help you. If you don't have one, try to find some support and help. Life is worth living, through the painful times and the happy times. Not everyone is fake. You just need to step outside your comfort zone and look at the world around you. I find that talking to strangers, particularly homeless or disabled strangers (as long as you use common sense and are safe), gives you a broader outlook on life. Don't let it depress you, let it encourage you. And be real. Be real yourself. Show others how important it is to be real themselves.

Anyway, I'm sorry that was long, but keep pressing on. I'm sorry that you regret your decision so much, but it's more reversible than you think or if you sincerely decide that you want to keep transitioning then that's fine too... Have you ever considered that you're neither gender or bigender? It seems to me that you're stuck in the middle and that might be the answer. I don't know. Don't be afraid to experiment either. Going outside your boundaries is the only way that anyone finds out their identity, whether it be gender, sexual orientation, or even religion. You may not see it, but everyone is scrambling around looking for the answers in their life. It's not just transgender people. It's literally everyone. We're all in the same boat, more or less. That doesn't mean that they or YOU are fake. We're just trying to figure things out. Cheers.

[sad panda]

Thats why I meant , thats what you should tell other people
the whole truth about you , even if you arent certain its better than a lie...

I just think it will make you feel better if people accepted you for who you are,or something close to what you are
even if you feel like nothing , empty  etc

Wel, nobody would accept me, i wouldn't expect them to either. It's pretty ugly in here.

Aww sweetie. I feel so bad you're going through this. You've been so sweet and I really wish I could help you figure it all out.

Sometimes I wonder if this whole trans thing is real. Or did something just happen to make me this way? I think part of that though may be the dysphoria is gone now. Or what if it is that we choose who we are? I don't know. I think the stigma surrounding this and all the gatekeepers and everything does kind of force people into a narrative that may or may not feel real for them.

And then our new roles can kind of feel forced sometimes, almost like we feel we've got 'justify' this 'choice'. Or people assume we feel or want certain things. Like people just assuming I feel bad about not having a dick. I really don't. (sometimes there are things I wish I had the equipment for, but for the most part, I'm good with what I have). Or that I would want to be a stereotypical man. And I think I know what you mean a little bit, because if we were just cis men and women, there's a bit of a different feeling. Cis men and women are just 'as is' and their gender doesn't get called into question based on how they 'do' masculinity or femininity or whatever (okay, guys get called derogatory names insinuating they're female, but not quite the same thing).

And there's a little bit different of an accusatory tone for trans women. The whole 'trap' thing and stuff. And I guess that could intensify the 'fake' feelings.

But you're not fake. You're just living the best you know how.

Thanks FA. I think i know what you mean and you are right, it's just.... it isn't even really about being trans. If it wasn't being trans it would be something else. I just need labels to fill in for not having anything inside, so I cling to them and become them a lot. Trans is no different. That's why I became the type of trans girl who is oh so natural and femme. Cuz I'm just anchoring myself around a stereotype and i don't even know why I'm attached to it in the first place. But being a stereotype is impressive to other people, it makes you seem really legit. Not even saying I consciously wanted to do that but it seems to be how I work. I just become things for the labels. But it never feels good once i get over the fact that I can be that thing and realize I didn't want it for what it actually is. And I'm left going, what do I want? Nothing? I don't really know. I don't know if I can enjoy things like other people. I'm just finding reasons to do anything at all.

Being trans gave me a lot of things to do, but now it's getting old too. I just hate that to not be trans I have to assert a whole new identity that I don't have either. I hate identity stuff, it's so foreign to me. I don't have any clue who or what I am. Nothing ever sticks. I feel like a chalkboard. There's no validity check for whatever gets put on me. It just ends up there but it can always be erased because in the end it's just chalk.

Like making what up?

Hmm, anything. Making it up was just a lazy way to put it i guess. My reality just shifts a lot so the end result is that I'm basically constantly deluded but think it's real and other people do too. Then I get moments of clarity like now and just feel overwhelmed and jaded. :c

I've been so many things, it just sucks to realize none of it has ever been for me, it has just been for me who wants other people to believe I am something. It's pretty sad.

Seriously? You are calling us all fakes?

Stop projecting, stop wallowing in your own self pity and do something to improve your situation. And don't tell me you can't, that's a cop out.

I called like everybody fake. I'm goin' rogue, me vs the world? Hmmm... Maybe i need to talk more literally around here or something but it's hard when some people read what you meant and some people read something totally different.

I don't think they were calling us fakes, necessarily. Or at least it wasn't only directed at us.

I understand how you feel, sad panda. Not about regretting transition, but about the world being full of fakes. I've gone through a lot of ->-bleeped-<- in my life though, so I don't take pain that well. I've been abused and depressed since I was small. I've been through trials of fire, being forcefully distanced away from my fiancee (long distance for three years and went through nothing but threats, isolation, and discrimination from both of our families) to couch hopping (essentially homeless) to losing several friends and relatives (death).

Awwwww, well thank you for your post. It was really sweet. I hate to just shoot stuff down though, so I at least want to say that I was touched you'd write all that just to help me.

Yeah, pain is real. It might be the most real thing out there, but don't feel like that is the only escape or answer. You can get the same "real" high from other things in life. Are you in a relationship? If you are, do you feel that you're both in love? Love overrides pain. It can BE a pain, of course, but it's more real than sinking under so deep that you can only resort to self abusive whether that be mentally, emotionally, physically, or even sexually. If you're not with someone right now, you'll find someone that you truly love. Or maybe that's not your cup of tea at all.

Yeah I tend to substitute other people for myself. I am kinda addicted to people, i love people. But I don't know what i actually want from them. They always feel at a distance. I am in a relationship and to be honest it's struggling for basically the same reasons. Because I can't even tell if I'm here because I want to be for what we have, or because I just need somebody, anybody that needs me so I can be an accessory to them. That makes him feel like ->-bleeped-<- if I express it and no wonder. I hurt people by being unable to connect in the same way they can. I can be used. I can be an object physically or mentally, but I can't feel real like them. And when people leave for more than a few days, those feelings all just disappear. I can't hold onto the past at all, it's really awful.

You know what I do? When I'm craving that real, raw, painful feeling... I listen to music. I close my eyes and get lost in the music, until your soul responds and you're moving to it. Not dancing, just bopping your head. Swaying, tapping your foot, moving your shoulders. I don't know your preference in music, but who helps me most is Jeff Buckley. He has a beautiful and haunting voice that just yells pain and sorrow, but it's translated in an elegant way. "So Real", "Grace", "Last Goodbye", "Eternal Life" are all songs that give me that effect, but you have to find your own music. Everyone is different.

Yeah i love music for that reason, it can just be an experience and doesn't need anything from me. I agree that Jeff Buckley had a really pretty voice. I could definitely get lost in it. I try to listen to music most of the time but something has to remind me to start it, because I forget what it means to me too unless I reexperience it.

Take a walk or take a drive. Cook. If you can't cook, learn. Eat your favourite food or if you really want to be sadistic, eat your least favourite food. Write your feelings out. Make a story, a poem, a journal. Do yoga, go to the gym--- go balls to the wall until your body forces you to stop. It hurts, but you benefit from it in the end. Sing. Dance. Have sex or masturbate. Take a nap when you're feeling down in the dumps. Avoid the internet or go on stumbleupon and discover new things. Watch films or documentaries that can either: make you feel better and happy or makes you feel like you can relate and that you're not alone. Play video games. Especially video games that you can take your anger out easily, just don't bring that aggressive behaviour to reality. Draw, paint, doodle. If you're religious at all, go to a church or pray. Cuddle an animal. Debate, if you're into politics or deep discussions.

This paragraph is kind of sad for me. I've gone thru so many ways to pass time. I actually know how to do a lot of those things, and hundreds of other things, and do them pretty well even though I only did them for a while and moved on.I just always feel like I'm trying to avoid having to do anything meaningful because then i'd have to ask myself what I really care about anyway.  I want to do everything because i want to do othing. Nothing feels like a priority, unless other people like it more.

The list goes on. Life is limitless. You don't have to surround yourself with fake people. Avoid Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr as much as you can. I know it's easier said than done, but you're only going to depress yourself further. Suicide isn't the answer, fixing your situation is. Be honest to God with your counselor or therapist if you're currently seeing one and tell them all things that are bothering you right now. All your regrets and all your accomplishments. It's important to get some help and aid into the right direction. They are there to help you. If you don't have one, try to find some support and help. Life is worth living, through the painful times and the happy times. Not everyone is fake. You just need to step outside your comfort zone and look at the world around you. I find that talking to strangers, particularly homeless or disabled strangers (as long as you use common sense and are safe), gives you a broader outlook on life. Don't let it depress you, let it encourage you. And be real. Be real yourself. Show others how important it is to be real themselves.

Oh man, yeah, tumblr too... used to be such a big trigger for me. Ditto for pinterest, well and really any other site like that? i kind of got better with just letting things be but i think that's just accepting that it doesn't matter anyway. I get what you mean about talking to strangers, I actually love being around pretty much all types of people but it does get depressing when I'm expected to be a person too. I don't have anything of substance to give back. So sometimes I just prefer to stay at a distance and read about people's lives instead.

Anyway, I'm sorry that was long, but keep pressing on. I'm sorry that you regret your decision so much, but it's more reversible than you think or if you sincerely decide that you want to keep transitioning then that's fine too... Have you ever considered that you're neither gender or bigender? It seems to me that you're stuck in the middle and that might be the answer. I don't know. Don't be afraid to experiment either. Going outside your boundaries is the only way that anyone finds out their identity, whether it be gender, sexual orientation, or even religion. You may not see it, but everyone is scrambling around looking for the answers in their life. It's not just transgender people. It's literally everyone. We're all in the same boat, more or less. That doesn't mean that they or YOU are fake. We're just trying to figure things out. Cheers.

I'm definitely agender. Or i'm like... reactively gendered. I gender myself for other people. Inside there's nothing.

Thanks for your post though, if anything i'm just always glad that people can hear me talk about this and not be disgusted at me.

[Nero]

I wonder if BPD is part of this. Is there any medication? Sorry, if you mentioned this before and I missed it, but do you have a therapist?
I don't know much about how BPD works, but I know a lot of trans people are diagnosed. Now I understand a little more, I remember this guy on here that could never decide if he was ftm or not. And he did mention the fake feeling. I don't think I was that helpful because I didn't understand. I just thought people know whether they're trans and if they don't they should hold off. And when I started, that was kind of the thinking - all transsexuals have to transition and if you don't, you must not be trans. And if you don't have bad enough dysphoria, you must not be trans. If you don't 'know' deep down you're the opposite sex, you must not be trans.

I think it's moved on a bit now, and there's more understanding. Probably helped along by the non binary peeps. Especially here. The androgyne board has helped a lot with that. Helped me too, even though I still primarily identify as male. I identify with the binary less and less as time goes on.

Sorry, don't know if this fits what you're talking about. I know you said it's not just a trans thing. And that might be BPD. I think it can fit most 'label' stuff though. The human mind categorizes people into neat little rows of boxes upon boxes. And that was probably really important back when you had to quickly know if someone was of your tribe or not, threat or not. Less important today.

We live in a much more global world now. And you can't tell by the looks of somebody how they fit into the world. Not really, anyway. Oftentimes, you can't even tell what country or religion someone is just by looking at them. And now, you often can't even tell what sex someone is. Or whether they have the equipment needed for your type of sex or not. I guess that's scary to some people.

So, what if you just don't label it? Your gender or anything else. People are always going to categorize you. And there's only so much you can do to steer that to a certain label or not. People see a person and make a ton of assumptions. Sadly, these assumptions often include whether the person deserves certain treatment or not. That's the real problem.

Forgetting gender and labels, for a moment. What do you like? What did you like when you were a kid? There are a few things you're sure about, right? You prefer men. You tend to prefer feminine stuff. You like fashion. Right? You do have an identity. It may just be hard to categorize it.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Wel, nobody would accept me, i wouldn't expect them to either. It's pretty ugly in here.

Well well , I suggest you give it a try , you might be surprised...

[sad panda]

I wonder if BPD is part of this. Is there any medication? Sorry, if you mentioned this before and I missed it, but do you have a therapist?
I don't know much about how BPD works, but I know a lot of trans people are diagnosed. Now I understand a little more, I remember this guy on here that could never decide if he was ftm or not. And he did mention the fake feeling. I don't think I was that helpful because I didn't understand. I just thought people know whether they're trans and if they don't they should hold off. And when I started, that was kind of the thinking - all transsexuals have to transition and if you don't, you must not be trans. And if you don't have bad enough dysphoria, you must not be trans. If you don't 'know' deep down you're the opposite sex, you must not be trans.

I think it's moved on a bit now, and there's more understanding. Probably helped along by the non binary peeps. Especially here. The androgyne board has helped a lot with that. Helped me too, even though I still primarily identify as male. I identify with the binary less and less as time goes on.

Sorry, don't know if this fits what you're talking about. I know you said it's not just a trans thing. And that might be BPD. I think it can fit most 'label' stuff though. The human mind categorizes people into neat little rows of boxes upon boxes. And that was probably really important back when you had to quickly know if someone was of your tribe or not, threat or not. Less important today.

We live in a much more global world now. And you can't tell by the looks of somebody how they fit into the world. Not really, anyway. Oftentimes, you can't even tell what country or religion someone is just by looking at them. And now, you often can't even tell what sex someone is. Or whether they have the equipment needed for your type of sex or not. I guess that's scary to some people.

So, what if you just don't label it? Your gender or anything else. People are always going to categorize you. And there's only so much you can do to steer that to a certain label or not. People see a person and make a ton of assumptions. Sadly, these assumptions often include whether the person deserves certain treatment or not. That's the real problem.

Yeah it definitely is... unfortunately I have the kind of BPD that really seems to be complex ptsd which is very similar but makes people lose a sustaining hope in life. And it doesn't have as bad interpersonal issues, like intrusiveness, but it has serious attachment and dependency issues. And all the emotional regulation/depressive features. It really feels like I'm stuck in groundhog day, except time moves on for everybody else, and I know I'm never getting out of here, and I know I can't gain or lose anything. Yeah, in groundhog day, Bill Murray just starts doing bad stuff for the thrill because nothing matters. Then just killing himself over and over again. The more and more time goes on, the more impulsive and unstable i get. Cuz I'm always in Limbo, and the longer I've been here the more certain I am that I'm really stuck here and I want to rip everything apart just to feel like it mattered at all.

I still have wonky ideas about being trans. I feel like there are people who are basically fundamentally medically trans, and that's a really uncommon thing, and doesn't even necessitate feeling trans, and then most trans people are not biologically compelled to transition but acquire reasons to thru their life experiences. And most people fall into that second group, and it's not less valid, but a lot of trans people are afraid it's less valid and assert that they belong to the first group without any real medical precedent. And yeah, people who do that get rolled into my view of how people are fake, not intentionally fake, because i know it seems real to them, but I happen to know how easy it is to get seriously attached to feelings and convince yourself of anything, real or not, to support it. But all I see is people trying to prove something that they shouldn't have to in the first place... I just don't think it matters. I mean, did it matter when people have gone crazy trying to make people accept how valid they are and then five years later they detransition and realize it wasn't for them? Nobody holds that against them... it was a stupid argument to be in to begin with. People just do stuff and it's okay, right?

I say people are fake because they draw all these lines between everything that don't exist. They reframe things so much for no reason and then create a reality that is only even there subjectively, it just works because they get with like-minded people and try to force everyone else out of the club. There's so much of that on this forum too, so much factiony crap. Because they want to believe that their subjective is objective. It's not, and it doesn't matter. I just know that. I just know that all the lines i want to draw in everything don't mean anything. There's no such thing as trans validity. I mean when you make a map, you draw borders between states or disticts or provinces or countries..., and just the fact that someone made up those borders changes the culture on either side. But either side of the border is still just a bunch of nearly identical land. I don't get gender identity. It's like saying i was born American. I was born in America but this culture did its stuff to me after that. Americanness doesn't effervesce outta anyone's soul. Gender is a fake line to me. That's why we can keep making up new genders, they're like their own little states that people can make into something special on a personal level. Sex is an objective line. Sex is the landscape of gender. You can't change your sex. I don't have gendr because I can't believe it is real. All I see is my sex and how I'm behaving so maybe that can communicate why I feel so meh about being trans. I'm having to be fake like everybody else. Only it only looks fake to me. I'm like... a bird. New York? Quebec? Wtf are those? I just wanna hang where it's warm.

I mean, i see both sides of it though. I get the fake part I just can't take it seriously. But everyone else does to some extent because they can form attachments to things like that. They can keep their culture. That's why it's frustrating

Forgetting gender and labels, for a moment. What do you like? What did you like when you were a kid? There are a few things you're sure about, right? You prefer men. You tend to prefer feminine stuff. You like fashion. Right? You do have an identity. It may just be hard to categorize it.

I just don't know. i can't separate what's me from what I do/like just to suit the labels. As a kid i didn't like anything specific i was just hypersocial. I would do anything with other people, I had almost no standards. I was really unusual for a kid. And I've done a bit of everything. I just ended up saying I like femme thinga more cause it suited me better. I mean I do like them, but again I don't know if I like them for what they are because i don't know if I like anything like that. My sexuality is probably the same, though honestly in reality i never wanted to do things with girls. I guess that's an exception? Or i never had a reason to? Idk. I don't like thinking about it too much. It took me till about 20 to even become open to the idea of being sexual again and I have a lot of warped views about my role in it. I think it's the role preference that makes me functionally only into guys even though in principle i call myself pan.

Sorry, am i being crazy here? Stupid question? I hate talking about this but I also always want to because carrying it around gets so tiring. Thanks for putting up with me.


EDIT: oh... though, you know, te one thing that does sort of ground me to femininity is that when I say I've done a little of everyhing, it really means everything except there is a cutoff with really masculine things. There's a point where I just genuinely can't get interested past, even for fake reasons. Like, pretty much nothing has ever managed to get me into team sports, cars, guns, army stuff, actiony things in general.. anything really masculine like that I just have never experienced in my life and never felt like it even if people around me did. But there isn't a similar cutoff for femininity. But like I said, I never had male friends either so, that could be why...  but just thinking about it, I can't see a way i could like those things. And I don't enjoy competition in general.

So who knows, maybe i'm just being hystrionic about all of this but... it definitely feels worthy of it to me. :/

I deleted my facebook and other social media accounts a long time ago. Mainly because it is literally spoon fed bull->-bleeped-<-. Ofc people try to portray themselves in a certain way, they want to look good, appear successful, appear happy! And some may indeed very well be, but i just grew really tired of it. Pointless to be on it and your only feeding information to be data mined. That and it's weird how people can now find out so much about someone without having to meet them.

In regards to your own identity, be whoever you want to be. Why do you feel you have to pretend to be something your not? I don't mean to offend with this next statement, but your in a similar position to someone who is FtM or identifies as gender queer. To my understanding, you are living as a female but want to be a boy.

I hate social media just because iit throws me into this horrible confusion about what to present of myself to a general audience. I just end up hating myself that I am not everyone and everything. It's so weird.

I don't really pretend though... I mean it's not consciously like that, I just convince myself of things so I don't have to feel so empty. but when they disappear or feel unimportant again it feels bad.

[Johnny Tristan]

Hey, I'm just coming back to say that I hope my post wasn't too blunt, sad panda! I'm not having the best day, but I'm worried about you and I hate seeing someone else sad/suffering. If you ever need to vent, I'm all ears and you're welcome.

Also, I don't think you're crazy at all. I've questioned myself many times and so have a lot of people, I think it's normal to feel out of place or confused. You're fine. You really are and you sound like a really nice person who's just having a hard time, that's all.