Advice on developing more relaxed feminine mannerisms?

[Carrie Liz]

So, this is something that's kind of been bugging me ever since I saw someone re-post the communication stereotype of "men speak to get results, women speak to make connections."

I've constantly caught myself being very forward in the way I communicate and the way I act.

There seems to be a bit of a "feminine calmness" that I notice in cis-girls, where they just seem relaxed and at ease, looking to make connections, not really in any hurry. Speaking in a relaxed tone of voice that tells you that they're listening, acknowledging you, with relaxed posture, relaxed gestures, motions that look acknowledging and inclusive, like they're inviting you to participate in their conversation.

And I constantly catch myself doing the exact opposite. I always finding myself walking quickly and with purpose, talking quickly and with purpose, using gestures that don't have that same natural feminine calmness, they look like they're a bit uptight and not really making a connection. And what I REALLY hate is when I catch myself talking over people, interjecting with my own stories while not really listening to theirs, or just straight-up playing the "Mr. Fix-it" role and offering advice instead of just listening and empathizing. Because I feel like "crap... I hate it when guys do that to me, and now I'm doing it." And heck, even writing this very topic. I feel like my language is very blunt, very forward. And I really want my mannerisms and my language to be more feminine. I want that same sense of feminine "calmness" and sense of being a nice person who's looking to make a connection rather than being a blunt forward person who always has a point to get across.

If this didn't bother me, I wouldn't be worrying about it. It would just be "that's who you are. Get over it." But I don't feel like this is who I am. I feel like my personality longs to be more relaxed, more feminine, but my years of defensive social programming are getting in the way. It feels kind of like my feminine self is trapped in there and doesn't know how to let herself out.

Advice?

How can I learn to relax, and develop that same sense of female calmness and serenity?

[Brooke777]

What you have described is a very common problem with interpersonal communications. Both women and men have this same issue. Granted, more men have the issue than women do. Anyway...you have already answered your own question. RELAX! That is what you need to do. If you want to break the habit, you will need to just relax, and try to casually notice what you are doing that you want to change. For the most part, communication styles are learned behaviors. Which means they can be unlearned. This will take time and effort, but it can be done.

[sad panda]

Well, what beliefs are you carrying into a conversation? Can you list those maybe, I mean even just to yourself? Maybe you have some bad ingrained beliefs that are making it harder for you to feel calm. Like, for example, "other people think I am not good enough," or "other people don't want to hear what I have to say anyway." Or "it is my role to fix things, that's what people really want from me."

Those are just some examples... who knows what they could be. They might even be connected to some memories and experiences you had before. Instead of just trying to resist the problem and resist what feels like your nature, have you thought about trying to just simply get used to forming different beliefs and feeling those instead? The more you feel a certain way, the better you get at feeling that way! and the more natural it becomes. Maybe some new beliefs could be "I am valuable to other people just for being me," or, "it is my role to understand and meaningfully connect to other people."

Could you do that? What do you think?  (:

[Carrie Liz]

Well, what beliefs are you carrying into a conversation? Can you list those maybe, I mean even just to yourself? Maybe you have some bad ingrained beliefs that are making it harder for you to feel calm. Like, for example, "other people think I am not good enough," or "other people don't want to hear what I have to say anyway." Or "it is my role to fix things, that's what people really want from me."

Those are just some examples... who knows what they could be. They might even be connected to some memories and experiences you had before. Instead of just trying to resist the problem and resist what feels like your nature, have you thought about trying to just simply get used to forming different beliefs and feeling those instead? The more you feel a certain way, the better you get at feeling that way! and the more natural it becomes. Maybe some new beliefs could be "I am valuable to other people just for being me," or, "it is my role to understand and meaningfully connect to other people."

Could you do that? What do you think?  (:

Okay... then part of it might indeed be a social programming thing. Because basically, I've been praised since I was like 5 for being smart, I had a very big issue with always wanting to be the best in everything as a kid, and my entire career goals have basically always been based around doing something "meaningful." There's a reason why I was a religion major... in my previous male life, my entire goal was basically "I've learned all of these amazing things that others are constantly getting wrong! I have to teach them!" So maybe that's it... maybe I've developed an inflated ego where I feel like what I'm saying is for some reason more correct, more meaningful, than what others are saying. Which seems to be the opposite of what girls are taught, if these recent female-socialization threads are any indication. :-/

[RosieD]

I think it may be more of a person thing than a gender thing as I know plenty of (cis) women who are assertive to the point of being abrasive and plenty of (cis) men who are accommodating to the point of being wet.   If there is something that you find objectionable about your conversational style then that is a slightly different question.

FWIW I had a tendency to talk rather than listen which I felt a bit uneasy about as I got further in to transition (and, TBH,I am still working on it - I probably always will be).  I started properly doing something about it once I noticed what I was doing (much the same as you have done) and then making a choice to respond in a different way than habit dictated.  I haven't finished working out which one of the multitude of possible responses I am most comfortable with yet so it is definitely still a work in progress but it at least gives some space to try different things.

Rosie

[Joanna Dark]

maybe I've developed an inflated ego where I feel like what I'm saying is for some reason more correct, more meaningful, than what others are saying. Which seems to be the opposite of what girls are taught, if these recent female-socialization threads are any indication. :-/

There's more than plenty of well-adjusted, confident women in their late 20s and 30s who speak their mind and don't let others trample all over them. I, unfortunately, am not one of them. I have about zero self esteem yet I sometimes (from one single person) get called "too smart." In fact, I pretty much derive all my happiness from one person (not the person who thinks I'm to smart. this person thinks I'm the dumbest smart person ever) who has the power to literally turn me into a blithering mess. It sucks. I was talking to this woman on the El the other day and she was telling me that I need to be more independent. And that last sentence is how you can reach you goal, imo: talk to women as a woman. It's even better if there's several women. I have pretty feminine mannerisms and I don't know how I developed them but I was always friends with girls growing up. I had male friends too. But, I had closer than normal relations with girls for a boy my age, apparently. So it might be a life imitates art kinda thingy? You're in Cleveland right? Well it's a pretty big city so I'm sure there are some book clubs. I just joined a lesbian feminist bookclub collective and I'm so looking forward to it.

[sad panda]

Okay... then part of it might indeed be a social programming thing. Because basically, I've been praised since I was like 5 for being smart, I had a very big issue with always wanting to be the best in everything as a kid, and my entire career goals have basically always been based around doing something "meaningful." There's a reason why I was a religion major... in my previous male life, my entire goal was basically "I've learned all of these amazing things that others are constantly getting wrong! I have to teach them!" So maybe that's it... maybe I've developed an inflated ego where I feel like what I'm saying is for some reason more correct, more meaningful, than what others are saying. Which seems to be the opposite of what girls are taught, if these recent female-socialization threads are any indication. :-/

I think it could be something like that. It sounds like for whatever reason, maybe you you do place a lot of value in other people accepting that you are right, and that you are competent.

Well, that isn't necessarily wrong to believe, is it? But then, maybe it *is* wrong for you. Just personally, I believe that we all have a bunch of needs that we need to fulfill, and then beliefs about how we can fulfill those, or what qualifies as fulfilling them. I am not sure that you can change your needs, but I absolutely believe that you can change your beliefs! And it's important too. Having the wrong beliefs can make us constantly feel like our needs are unmet.

So, maybe you do have a need to be right, or competent, to other people. Maybe it is even a really strong need for you, or maybe not, maybe you just feel that it hasn't been met. I think that the more you get to know the beliefs that you do have, and try to practice feeling and affirming the beliefs that you want to have instead, you will be able to feel a lot more relaxed and comfortable with yourself! c:

Anyway, I hope that helps at all. It seems like this is a really great opportunity for you to grow and get to know yourself better. Good luck!

[Carrie Liz]

There's more than plenty of well-adjusted, confident women in their late 20s and 30s who speak their mind and don't let others trample all over them. I, unfortunately, am not one of them. I have about zero self esteem yet I sometimes (from one single person) get called "too smart." In fact, I pretty much derive all my happiness from one person (not the person who thinks I'm to smart. this person thinks I'm the dumbest smart person ever) who has the power to literally turn me into a blithering mess. It sucks. I was talking to this woman on the El the other day and she was telling me that I need to be more independent. And that last sentence is how you can reach you goal, imo: talk to women as a woman. It's even better if there's several women. I have pretty feminine mannerisms and I don't know how I developed them but I was always friends with girls growing up. I had male friends too. But, I had closer than normal relations with girls for a boy my age, apparently. So it might be a life imitates art kinda thingy? You're in Cleveland right? Well it's a pretty big city so I'm sure there are some book clubs. I just joined a lesbian feminist bookclub collective and I'm so looking forward to it.

I agree, I definitely think that this is something I need more of. Because whether I liked it or not, and although I've always made MUCH better friends and better social connections with women, my level of female friendship has been severely lacking ever since middle school. I've just barely begun exploring the whole "socializing with women as a woman" thing. In fact, probably within the last few weeks is the first time that I truly felt I was doing this.

I think I might have another problem here, though... I still don't feel like I have enough "passing privilege" to truly be seen as or accepted as a woman by people yet. Like, I'd be afraid that a women's group would somehow see me as an intruder.

[Joanna Dark]

Yeah, I definitely think that's something I need to do more. I've just barely begun exploring the whole "socializing with women as a woman" thing. In fact, probably within the last few weeks is the first time that I truly felt I was doing this.

I think I might have another problem here, though... I still don't feel like I have enough "passing privilege" to truly be seen or accepted as a woman by people yet. Like, I'd be afraid that a women's group would somehow see me as an intruder.

The bookclub I just joined is trans inlcusive and says on its meme that any and all attempts by members to deride or put down anyone will and shall be called out and this includes...transmisogy. So maybe look for something like that. For me, I fell that it will (A) help me integrate more with the queer women's community, because I consider myself a queer woman (though I do like men too so...yeah. In fact, I'm not at all sure if I like women anymore...My name is Joanna and I'm a Penis addict) (B) meet new friends. This is irnocally the first time in my life I haven't had a best female friend and it sucks that big one. I feel like I'm all emotions. Last night after watching "The Book Thief" I could not stop crying. For no reason other than it was a holacaust film. But they give me the feels every.single.time. In the past, i would talk about all my emotions with women, but my BF.FB doesn't always like taking about my emotions lol though sometimes that's all he does.

[Ltl89]

Just wanted to say that empathy and understanding are important traits that can also be possessed while you offer advice or your own take as well.  They don't have to be exclusive features.  There can be a fine balance to these things.  As long as you care about someone else's feelings and try to understand them, it's really okay if you have your own take or see things differently.  After all, life is about perspective.  What really matters is if you can care about the other person or respect their feelings and ideas. 

[Carrie Liz]

Just wanted to say that empathy and understanding are important traits that can also be possessed while you offer advice or your own take as well.  They don't have to be exclusive features.  There can be a fine balance to these things.  As long as you care about someone else's feelings and try to understand them, it's really okay if you have your own take or see things differently.  After all, life is about perspective.  What really matters is if you can care about the other person or respect their feelings and ideas.

Exactly. There is indeed a feminine way to do this. And I always get this when I'm talking to someone who is more feminine, that I never feel like they're talking over me, I feel like they're offering advice as an equal who understands what I'm going through and cares about me. While with those who are masculine, there's just something about the way they talk, something about the way that they offer advice, that seems very dominant and very much like they're talking over me without really empathizing, or standing off at a distance. And all too often, I find myself falling into this "masculine" way of offering advice. And I hate myself every single time I catch myself doing it.

Hell, again, even with all the replies I've made in this thread, I feel like I'm interjecting rather than really communicating. I don't feel like I'm acknowledging people enough. I feel like there's just something blunt and uncommunicative to my language that I really don't like. I feel like everything I type comes across as if I'm trying to prove a point.

[Nero]

Hell, again, even with all the replies I've made in this thread, I feel like I'm interjecting rather than really communicating. I don't feel like I'm acknowledging people enough. I feel like there's just something blunt and uncommunicative to my language that I really don't like. I feel like everything I type comes across as if I'm trying to prove a point.

I feel that way sometimes too. But I think comes over better in person. Especially the way I talk when excited or upset or passionate about something. It just doesn't seem to translate well here. And people misunderstand what I'm trying to get at.

[Ltl89]

Exactly. There is indeed a feminine way to do this. And I always get this when I'm talking to someone who is more feminine, that I never feel like they're talking over me, I feel like they're offering advice as an equal who understands what I'm going through and cares about me. While with those who are masculine, there's just something about the way they talk, something about the way that they offer advice, that seems very dominant and very much like they're talking over me without really empathizing, or standing off at a distance. And all too often, I find myself falling into this "masculine" way of offering advice. And I hate myself every single time I catch myself doing it.

Hell, again, even with all the replies I've made in this thread, I feel like I'm interjecting rather than really communicating. I don't feel like I'm acknowledging people enough. I feel like there's just something blunt and uncommunicative to my language that I really don't like. I feel like everything I type comes across as if I'm trying to prove a point.

Carrie,

I think you are being way too hard on yourself here.  You are you.  That's not a bad thing.  I know we all look at things like female traits and masculine traits, but honestly there is no right way to be you.  Be that and feel proud.  You don't have to fit a mold.  You can be you without thinking it's bad or masculine.  Personally, I find your posts to be caring while trying to be informative and helpful.  Why is that bad?  Just be free and be yourself.  You don't have to overthink you say and do.  when you do that, it's not natural and you won't get the vibe you want anyway.  You are Carrie, not someone that's trying to be a woman, you are one. 

By the way, massive irony/hypocrisy alert warning for everyone that this is being said by me, lol. 

[Teela Renee]

I just speak how I always have, just in a female voice and same some words different. I just get labeled as being overly blunt. But I hate wasting my time talking also.