Ladies,
First post, so sorry for the intro, it is needed to frame my question.
I have been married to my best friend for ten years and have several wonderful children. I am in the military with numerous combat deployments and a little over a decade of service. My life so far has left me needing nothing and wanting little, have achieved great success in all of my pursuits. However, I am not this man they think I am, but I am a woman that they have never been allowed to know. They can't know. To know would risk all of my achievements and the stable future I have fought so hard to ensure. I would lose my retirement and my job. My children would adapt as they are still so young, but my Wife, she deserves the man she married and for me to fulfill the contract that I signed. I have "struggled" with gender issues for as long as I can remember and I have kept myself from having to face this fight by ensuring there are always other battles to keep it at bay.
My Wife and I have a great relationship full of love and ironically, we trust each other explicitly. But that does not make this easier. When we see transgender stories on the news we will talk about it. She is very supportive of the people in the stories and states that they have to do what makes them happy in life, to hell with what others think. This does not keep me from wondering how happy she would be if she knew I was one as well. I have not talked to her about this side of me and do not know how. After don't ask don't tell I got angry when I heard it did not lift the ban on transgendered service members. The part my Wife heard was the add-on concerning cross dressing and the transgender portion didn't stick with her. Seeing my response she asked me point blank if I cross dressed. I told her no, which is a half-truth, as I don't consider myself a cross dresser even though I will dress female when the occasion presents itself. This incident was the closest we have ever gotten to talking about my gender issues.
I have often spoken to her about gender and that no one is fully male or fully female but that we all fall somewhere on a spectrum. She agrees and will add bits of supporting info from her undergraduate phycology background. She doesn't know though. She has no idea that I am over the tipping point female. I can hold my own at work and present as I should. I am feminine in more subtle ways. Weather this is a learned behavior or my true nature I am not sure. I have a good facial skin care routine, I shave my under arms (My Wife's suggestion) and my chest. I hate body hair, so the rest would go too if I could get away with it. I shaved my arms once and she thought that was weird. My legs stay fully grown unless I know I will be away for at least a month and have no required PRTs (Physical Readiness Tests) where I would be required to wear shorts; Oh, or anual physicals. This is a rare treat that comes all too rarely. When we are intimate I am typically submissive, something she doesn't mind most of the time, but further details of course are private. I do have trouble controlling my anger but have gotten much better. My Wife has figured out tricks to keep me from getting spooled up. I have never lashed out, never hit her but can get very grumpy and unpleasant to be around. Typically the anger develops over perceived role conflicts. I am the man in the relationship and as such do all of the typically man jobs around the house. It gets under my skin whenever I feel these roles are being placed on me because I am the man and not for any other reason (It sounds silly, I know). I do most of the cooking but hate having to take the trash out simply because it is the man's thing to have to do.
My gender issues are not debilitating and I have been very successful as a male and a husband. These aspects of my life are firm truths that I would not trade for anything. Just because I want to change my dress, behavior and body to reflect how I feel, it does not change who I was or the things I have achieved. The path behind me is fixed, it will never change and I don't want it to, but my future is yet to be written and I have a choice as to how it will read. I am most comfortable when I can be who I really am. When I can feel right in my skin. I am not the exaggeration of a drag queen. I don't want double D breasts, I don't need heavy makeup or weird outfits. In fact I like it best when I have a nice pair of jeans, boots and a cute little top. Not surprisingly, as a woman I dress very similar to how I do as a man, only pulling off the woman's rack instead. Everyone has a right to be who they are, so I do not pass judgment on those that are different, but this is where I lie in the spectrum. I know I am in fact already a woman, always have been. This is my gender and does not changed based on how I look or dress. I am who I am, what gender people perceive me as will not change this and it makes me angry that I have felt like I have to hide for so long. It is this anger I fear the most for the only outcome of anger is suffering.
I believe I understand my feelings and my identity, but I worry about my Wife and how she would respond. She is everything and deserves better. As I have stated, who she is married to won't change as I pursue a more feminine appearance and life style, but it is still a hard pill for her to swallow and I must appreciate this fact going forward. Our relationship is good and I have considered telling her how I feel many times, but there is always another deployment, another move or another big stressor and I don't want to make her life any harder than it already is for she suffers enough because of my choices. We are proud to be a military family and the sacrifices have been worth it. She is strong, brave and reflects all the best in a military spouse. I don't want to hurt her with my truths. I don't want to be selfish.
Since I have many years before the military will release me (another 5-10 years) I figure I can't do anything drastic for the time being. I cannot see a therapist, can't take hormones or grow my hair out. I can continue and even increase the feminine aspects I allow into my life. Perhaps slow progress, which is better than no progress, would aid in developing an understanding between my Wife and I. I already use a more feminine voice with her and have tried to feminize many of my movements and postures subtly. This is not to understate the magnitude of the eventual conversation but if I can lessen the pain and shock she feels, then I have done all I can. My eventual goal is to live and work as a woman (Correct gender Perception by others) and be allowed to just be who I am. I am relatively small framed with small hands and feet but my twenties and male hormones have definitely masculinized my body. Hormones and beard removal (Really thick) are my most desired changes and definitely needed to become passable. Everything else is negotiable to meet life's and my Wife's needs and desires.
So, why did I just confess all of this? I have never talked to anyone, only read and done research for the last 15 years. I am finally ready to begin a conversation and am looking for advice on how to proceed. I have to pass as male with the military for the next 5-10 years but want to be comfortable in my skin when I am at home and with my family. I need to tell my wife who I am, she deserves to know and to my own selfish ends, I don't want to hide from everyone anymore. Don't know how to tell her, don't know what to tell her.
Thanks for reading,
Very Respectfully to everyone and their own paths,
Emily
