Coming out when young vs. when older

[E-Brennan]

I'm not on the young side of things anymore, and my parents still don't know that I'm MtF.  I still present as male - they have no idea.

So...how to tell them?  What were your experiences, you older people, of coming out as a middle-aged person?  Obviously most of us don't still need our parents for support, and in some cases our parents may be looking to us for support in their older years.

Compared to some of the stories of parental rejection, threats and ultimatums that I hear from those who are in their teens, do we have it easier as "grown-ups"?  Can we get away with more of a "here's who I am, take it or leave it" approach?

[Ltl89]

I'm not in a position to say one has it harder than the other, but usually it's different.  It depends on how dependent with your mother and father you and how close of a relationship you have.  Usually kids are more tied into their parents both emotionally and financially.  That's one of the reasons it was horrible when my mom didn't accept me.  My father on the other hand, is sort of out of my life.  He even took me off his life insurance.  We will talk occassionally on the phone and all, but that's it.  We have a very complicated relationship.   This is without me even telling him I'm trans, though he found out I was on hormones and all, so I assume he knows.  IT will still be hard to tell him and I'm terrified of discussing it with him, but it will always be easier than it was with my mother and is probably similar to what older transitioners feel with their parents.  My mom is not only my parent, she's like my best friend and I was her "little angel" even as a 24 year old "male" when I came out.  It was a bond that remained close for childhood that sort of shattered at the time.  Is that harder than what others go through?  No, not neccessarily, I'm not sure of other people's experiences, but it was likely different from what they experience.

[E-Brennan]

Thanks for sharing, learningtolive.  I'm totally not dependent on my parents at all, nor do I have a particularly close relationship.  I'm hoping that this will work in my favor in terms of how upset I'll be when they reject me (i.e. not very).

[Ltl89]

Well, you don't know if they will reject for a fact, right?  One thing I would suggest to help you is to go in with a realistic but optimistic outlook.  It makes everything easier and more bearable.  However, if it wouldn't upset you if they weren't accepting, then maybe it won't be hard at all.

How do you plan on disclosing?  Have you thought about what you would say? 

[barbie]

My dad initially did not accept well. In about 10 years, he just accepts it, although he does like it. Sometimes he jokes about it, assuming I am a young lady. The most important factor was that I sustain my family and perform well at my home and work place. Whether I look tasteful or not is meaningless to him, but he sometimes recommends me to wear conservatively, as I usually expose my body too much, compared with other ordinary women here.

barbie~~

[E-Brennan]

How do you plan on disclosing?  Have you thought about what you would say?

I plan on keeping it simple.  We need to talk, there's something I've struggled with for years, I'm a daughter and not a son, you'll start to see some changes and we can discuss those later, yup it's real and I'm not crazy.  That kind of thing.  Then I'll give them some space.  Anything more elaborate than that and I'll mess it up.  I don't plan on trying to cover everything except the very basics in the first conversation.  And I plan on presenting myself as the male version of me that they know, not showing up looking like the female version of me.

[E-Brennan]

My dad initially did not accept well. In about 10 years, he just accepts it, although he does like it. Sometimes he jokes about it, assuming I am a young lady. The most important factor was that I sustain my family and perform well at my home and work place. Whether I look tasteful or not is meaningless to him, but he sometimes recommends me to wear conservatively, as I usually expose my body too much, compared with other ordinary women here.

barbie~~

Sounds like a good dad, and it sounds like you've both persevered through the changes and that you've not let it become the defining factor in your relationship.  Family first.  I'll make sure I mention that to my parents - I'll still be involved, I'll still be employed, so not much will be changing except my appearance.

[Jessica Merriman]

I personally think we older transitioners have it better off for the following reasons. Like mentioned we are financially more capable, but the biggest thing is we have learned what is really important in life. Our past gave us the tools to deal with transitioning with confidence and the ability to make better decisions. I personally feel that if I had transitioned earlier it may have led to failure because I would have been much more unsure of myself. While I don't look as good presentation wise my mental health is much better now than it would have been. I would have worried about everything from passing to public opinions. Now, I don't care who thinks what as long as I am comfortable in my own skin. Just my two cents worth.

[Umiko]

well, if i came out when i was younger, i kinda would have had a better outcome. since i came out now, all hell is breaking lose around me, but i know more now so i guess its better this way lol

[barbie]

I personally think we older transitioners have it better off for the following reasons. Like mentioned we are financially more capable, but the biggest thing is we have learned what is really important in life. Our past gave us the tools to deal with transitioning with confidence and the ability to make better decisions. I personally feel that if I had transitioned earlier it may have led to failure because I would have been much more unsure of myself. While I don't look as good presentation wise my mental health is much better now than it would have been. I would have worried about everything from passing to public opinions. Now, I don't care who thinks what as long as I am comfortable in my own skin. Just my two cents worth.

Yes, it is true. There are many young transsexuals here, and they seem to try hard to survive in the society. They tend to be introspective and think only about their own body, while other teens study hard in school or college for a nice career. Even getting an ordinary job is more difficult for them. Some of them work in the beauty sector, such as hair dress.

barbie~~

[Ltl89]

I plan on keeping it simple.  We need to talk, there's something I've struggled with for years, I'm a daughter and not a son, you'll start to see some changes and we can discuss those later, yup it's real and I'm not crazy.  That kind of thing.  Then I'll give them some space.  Anything more elaborate than that and I'll mess it up.  I don't plan on trying to cover everything except the very basics in the first conversation.  And I plan on presenting myself as the male version of me that they know, not showing up looking like the female version of me.

That sounds good, but remember they will likely have questions and may have some difficulty.  Just be prepared for the reaction.  I think showing up as the way they know you sounds like a good plan.  I hope it all goes well.

Yes, it is true. There are many young transsexuals here, and they seem to try hard to survive in the society. They tend to be introspective and think only about their own body, while other teens study hard in school or college for a nice career. Even getting an ordinary job is more difficult for them. Some of them work in the beauty sector, such as hair dress.

barbie~~

While it's true that many younger trans members seem to focus on their bodies and are introspective (I'm a good example of this) many of us also do have an education as well.  For example, I did very well in college and hope to go onto grad school.  Unfortunately, I've been struggling in this job market and feel like my appearance has been hurting my chances in the job market.  It depends though.  Every story is different.  I think the hard luck stories of being trans are reducing with more social awareness and legal protections.  Still we have a long way to go before things are better.

[Ltl89]

Then again, to expand my last post, I should note that my transition began at 24 (or 23 if you consider pre-hrt stage).  While I probably fit the bill of a younger transitioner, I do have a totally different experience than those begin as teens.  Those of the age of graduating high school or the average age of a college freshman.  It would be great to hear from people in that stage of life as they may have a different perspective than I do.  Still, I have interacted with many under the age of 30 that have received an education; although, it is true that not all of us had that privilege. 

[barbie]

While it's true that many younger trans members seem to focus on their bodies and are introspective (I'm a good example of this) many of us also do have an education as well.  For example, I did very well in college and hope to go onto grad school.  Unfortunately, I've been struggling in this job market and feel like my appearance has been hurting my chances in the job market.  It depends though.  Every story is different.  I think the hard luck stories of being trans are reducing with more social awareness and legal protections.  Still we have a long way to go before things are better.

learningtolive,

Yes. It is also true to me. I have various duties at my work place. Research, teaching and publishing papers are the most important. I tend to become introspective only after finishing these duties. Being introspective and taking care of my appearance does deprive me of time and also money, hindering my working performance. When I am busy doing the duties, I usually do not care so much about my appearance, and I just become indulged in the given task.

Nowadays, I have completed nearly all of the requirements for securing my tenure position, and I am relieved, enjoying the spring. We have holidays in a row until next Wednesday. I already ordered 3 new miniskirts.

A few people ask why I do not try to get aged like other ordinary people. Others say that at last I try hard to look younger and slimmer by running outdoors. Vanity is vanity, but I will always try to look young. Financially, socially and emotionally, I am more secure and confident than young transgender fellows who are at age of my eldest son.

Unfortunately for the young people here, it has become more difficult to get a stable and permanent job. The job situation is far harsher to young transgender people.

barbie~~