My turn to be confused- what is genderfluid?

[Satinjoy]

I think some of you have seen previous posts by me.... not into labels and neither is my shrink, but if I am sexually mtf preop and content with that other than srs as fantasy, and srs is needed imagery and feeling if asexual behaviour is in play.  I see my body as totally transitioned female, but if I easily morph from a male that isn't very male in business and social, more male around threatening types, and as i feel safer more and more female until I am alone on Susans or at home and fully transition female... talking both psyche and physical there and more than body, its the whole deal...  where does that put me?

I don't understand how I can be female from the neck down and male from the neck up when I let my hair down, meaning physically since the face is not transitioned and disguised male (I promised my wife I'd keep facial hair, so she could still see her husband.) (I don't like it but in battle mode I am glad to have it around the homophobic).

I don't understand why I don't feel like a woman trapped inside a male body but feel like a third, honest, sex, a combination of male and female, not either mentally, something in between, and physically 100% sensually female, all the time.  That actually is the best description of it.  That physical part never change. But my social interactions drastically change based on environment.

Around  the wife, I am usually crossed over in terms of lingerie, with a long T shirt over it, unpainted long nails, and no wig.  With or without thigh highs.  And she is ok with that which to me is a miracle.  But I am totally comfortable like that I just ignore my face.  Not typical I think of a preop TS, which physically I most certainly am.

Thoughts are welcome.

And FTE is not a driving force for me either.  I just want to do it among those I am close to so they see the real me.

[VeronicaLynn]

I consider myself genderfluid because how I feel about my gender changes. Sometimes I feel like a woman, sometimes I feel somewhere in between, on occasion I wake up feeling like a man. Presentation has little to do with it. I sometimes alter my presentation slightly based on how I feel that day when I get dressed, but it's really how I feel that is fluid.

That doesn't mean you are not genderfluid, I don't really like labels either, though I'd say a more general label like non-binary or androgyne might describe what you posted better.

[Satinjoy]

That helps.  My perception actually never changes.  The presentation changes based on the environment, measured by levels of hostility, but the core perception remains the same.

This helps.

Labels are beginning to look fairly useless.

Thank you so much for commenting.

I think too much. 

[JulieBlair]

Hello my friend, I seem to be following you around this morning.  Thank you for the stimulation.

My experience with internal fluidity of gender identification has morphed over the past two years, from feeling trapped, to a kind of confusing duality, and as I get closer to full time, settling into female.  You have my admiration, for me my beard was symbolic of everything that was wrong with me.  As it has disappeared so have my feelings of conflict.  That you can grant this gift to someone you love is powerful.

We all experience this in our own way.  I don't think that there are any perfect answers, or absolute solutions.  If you feel comfortable in your own skin and that is enough, it is enough.  I am a woman, and won't be at peace until the process is completed and what I see conforms to what I perceive.  That is my place, there are many, many others.

Julie

PS I'll take the red pill.

[Satinjoy]

Big help to me today...

I will go to any lengths to keep my wife, barring total insanity.

She gets the beard, stealth male lifestyle outside the house, a presentation that is familiar. 
I intensely dislike the beard but I cannot stand causing her major discomfort.  I turned her life upside down.

I get - a womans body (preop), hormones, peace of mind at least with the physical and most mental, except at times, an honest life, lingerie - the good stuff - exposed at home with her with only the tee shirt over it, I get private time full transition, wigged and in heals, I got makeup for Christmas, all the hand me down clothes and some are gorgeous, Susans, and the ability to smile every time I see my real body and to say I love you in the mirror when I couldn't say that for 55 years.

I believe I got the better deal here. 

A beard is a security blanket.  Its a mask in deep stealth.

Many thanks!

[Jill F]

Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes

I took the red pill but it is actually little blue ones.

Apparently the director of that movie did too!

I think I must have a bottle of genderfluid in my medicine cabinet.  I take it every morning.