The loss of a wife

[Nero]

Now, by wife, I'm not really specifying gender. Just someone who did a lot of the wife like stuff. Someone there to greet you when you come home. Hear about your day. Somebody that picked up after you. Cooked for you. Helped you dress. Shower. Somebody to care that your back hurt. Rub anything that hurts. Care when you're sick. Somebody who loves you unconditionally. Understands and accepts you. Always there. Does everything for you.

His word was 'house bitch'. To me, it feels like the loss of a wife. And honestly, looking after myself sucks! Sure, my mom comes over and cleans. Cooks sometimes. But it's not the same. They say men suffer more after the death of a spouse, a divorce. And I believe it. I have been completely lost these years without mine.
I don't know if I'll ever have this again. Or if my next 'wife' will be male or female. But god, I miss mine. Now, I'm grieving now. Nobody hate on me.

[Adam (birkin)]

His word was 'house bitch'.

Just had to point this out because everything in this message was so pure and sweet, and then this, lol.

In all seriousness though, I'm sorry. *hugs* I don't know how long ago this happened, but I do know from my grandma and others who have lost their spouse that it's always there with you to some extent. Whoever you end up with next, if you choose to do so, I'm sure will take care of you and treat you well if they're worth it.

[Jessica Merriman]

So sorry FA! 

I made several runs where the spouse died and soon after (sometimes minutes) the other passed as well. I think you had that kind of bond as well, but I for one am still glad you are with us even though it hurts. You do a lot more than people give you credit for and I have been remiss in showing you that. I am sorry. 

[King Malachite]

I have never been married, but in a way, I can empathize.  I have never heard that saying that men would suffer more because of that, but I certainly agree.  I know that if I ever get married, and my spouse dies, I would likely want to follow right behind her because I wouldn't want to be left alone to take care of myself.  If she divorced me then I would bawl my eyes out everday probably.  Anyways, I feel your pain. -hugs-

[JulieBlair]

FA,
I was the house bitch in my marriage, only I earned the money to pay the bills too.  She ditched me because I am a girl.  It is twisted I know, but I cry over the loss every day.  Losing a love never really heals, but I hope you find solace in that you help a huge community with the work you do here.  Take care of yourself, and it is OK even for men to feel pain and loss.
Julie

[Nero]

thanks everybody. We never married. But he was everything to me. And really did play like a wife role most the time. And it's the little stuff - like someone there helping me dress. Cooking and everything. When I worked an outside job, it was hell. Because he's not there to come home to. That's when I miss him the most. I come home, have something to share... It hasn't been easy. And when you're used to doing all these things with someone. And having that kind of closeness. hell someone putting your socks on for you!
Really sucks getting off work - and you don't have that joy anymore. Cause they're not waiting for you. Drives me to drink.

[Ms Grace]

I've lived by myself for ages, I'm fairly independent and self sufficient, but you're right, having to look after yourself (and by implication, not having someone to look after) does suck big time!

[Nero]

I don't know what to do. I became a drunk the day this happened. I really didn't care to drink before that day. The irony is that I am doing exactly what my father-in-law* (again, never really married but) did. The wife died. The family fell apart. My man's dad became a drunk. My father-in-law, collapsed while pumping gas shortly after my partner died. Just died right there. Like grief overcame him. Shortly after that, the cousin overdosed. We lived for a time with him and he did so many drugs - how did this happen just then? I think they died cause he did. Their deaths after the fact hit me pretty hard. I mean, my partner and my two closest relatives to him?

<sigh> my haters on facebook will probably use this against me. But if they're that cruel...

Honestly, i'm not ok and i don't know if I will be ok. Will I ever not be a drunk? Maybe i'm just broken like my father-in-law. If the mother in law i never knew had eyes like my partner, i don't blame him. You just don't get over eyes like that. They were amber. Gold. Black lashes.

[JLT1]

I understand.

The worse time in the world is comming home to the big empty.  I never knew nothing could hit so hard.

I decided to remember that which was good and honor the love we shared.  It was 11 years for me.  I burried my self in school and work.   I asked a friend once how long it would take to heal, he said "Until I meet somone to love again."  I wanted to hit him.  But he was half right.  Meeting someone helped, a lot.  But I still miss her sometimes.

Hugs (and tears),

Jen

[Jill F]

I can't begin to imagine.  I'm so sorry to hear, FA.  I really admire you for still being here after that.  I don't know if I could deal at all.  This is all a testament to the strength of your character that I don't even know that you are aware of.

I wish I could suffer more for you so you could suffer less.  I really would.  You're such a great guy and you deserve so much more than you got.  The future WILL be better for you.  I know this.

Big hugs, and I'm always here for you.  You know that, right?

Love,
Jill

[Nero]

I can't begin to imagine.  I'm so sorry to hear, FA.  I really admire you for still being here after that.  I don't know if I could deal at all.  This is all a testament to the strength of your character that I don't even know that you are aware of.

I wish I could suffer more for you so you could suffer less.  I really would.  You're such a great guy and you deserve so much more than you got.  The future WILL be better for you.  I know this.

Big hugs, and I'm always here for you.  You know that, right?

Love,
Jill

Aww thanks sweetie. But I really didn't handle it well. If I hadn't been pouring alcohol down my throat the whole time at the hospital. For 12 days. And at the funeral. It was vanilla smirnoff at the funeral. In my throat. At the gravesite. I'll never forget that taste as long as I live.

[Nero]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm turning into his father. Drunk, grieving widower. Whose heart will finally give out.

[kelly_aus]

The 10th of May will be one year since I got the 3:30AM phone call from a hospital you never, ever want to get.. The call to tell me that my partner had died.

My life has not and will not ever be the same. In some ways, we were both the wife. But as her health deteriorated, I became the the carer.

I miss her.

[LivingTheDream]

Sorry you're going thru this FA

I've lost my parents awhile ago now and witnessed this firsthand.

My mom was my dad's whole world, like seriously. He had tons of brothers and sisters, lots of people who he was friends with, me and my brother, (along with 4 other children but that's a whole nother story.....), but my mom was his world, best I can put it.

She was like 56 or something like that when she died of cancer, he was like 75 or something (yes big age diff). He was damn healthy at 75, still working a few hours a day, 7 days a week, looked way younger than his age and able to do everything he always could still.

After she died he just sorta lost the will to live I'd say. He became horribly depressed (understandably after losing someone) but this depression continued with him until the day he died, about 5 years later, while at work.

My brother and I would try to get him out of the house all the time to try to cheer him up. We tried to get him to go bowling (he bowled forever on a league), Red Wings games (think we even got playoff tickets), Tigers games, Lions games etc, all of which he watched on T.V. the whole time he was awake and not at work at this point, but he wouldn't go. Basically, the only place he would go to was this little restuarant a few blocks from the house 2x a day to eat and all he did was work a few hours in the A.M. and watch whatever sports that were on until it was time to sleep and repeat.

I know everyone says losing a child is the hardest/worst thing in the world but after seeing this and thinking about it, I think losing a SO, wife or husband or partner that you've spent a huge portion of your life with, would be worse, for me at least (biased because don't have kids though).

If it helps with your alcohol problems FA, send me all your booze; I GUESS I'll take one for the team and drink it, just for you ofc  ...

On a serious note, the only thing you can really do is make him proud and live a long, healthy, fulfilling life until you meet again. That's what he would want.

Take care FA

[Nero]

The 10th of May will be one year since I got the 3:30AM phone call from a hospital you never, ever want to get.. The call to tell me that my partner had died.

My life has not and will not ever be the same. In some ways, we were both the wife. But as her health deteriorated, I became the the carer.

I miss her.

Aww I'm so sorry hon. It was a little different for me. He was in the hospital and my mom dragged me to get something to eat in the cafeteria. I was just sitting down to eat, thinking about he added pepper, instead of just salt. They called for us, the family of ________ on the intercom. I ran through those halls... for my life. It was too late. He was gone.
Vanilla Smirnoffs down my throat at the burial site. If I hadn't drank during the time, if I hand't something to numb the pain, I'd probably have used that rope...So, vodka probably saved my life. But now I can't get rid of it. Though I will never ever drink vanilla flavored vodka again.

[V M]

The loss of a someone close to us is always very difficult to deal with

I hope you get to feeling better

Hugs

[kelly_aus]

Aww I'm so sorry hon. It was a little different for me. He was in the hospital and my mom dragged me to get something to eat in the cafeteria. I was just sitting down to eat, thinking about he added pepper, instead of just salt. They called for us, the family of ________ on the intercom. I ran through those halls... for my life. It was too late. He was gone.
Vanilla Smirnoffs down my throat at the burial site. If I hadn't drank during the time, if I hand't something to numb the pain, I'd probably have used that rope...So, vodka probably saved my life. But now I can't get rid of it. Though I will never ever drink vanilla flavored vodka again.

I'd packed her off in an ambulance about 90 mins prior.. I was having my first sleep in several days, didn't sleep for a while after either.

[sad panda]

Just want to add more supportive vibes to this topic.

No words. I'm so sorry.

[Christinetobe]

FA all I can say is I am sorry you are hurting.  Loneliness is one of the hardest emotions to deal with after you have had a special person in your life for an extended period of time.  I wish you the best and hope you realize there are so many people that care for you that you never are truly alone. Hugs

[LordKAT]

A child dies, we cry over what could have been. A partner dies, we cry over losing a part of ourselves. It hurts to lose a piece of yourself, sometimes unbearably(sp?). If you can, recall what the good stuff was and keep it in your heart, share it with the world. It is one way to let him live on through you.