The loss of a wife

[Ltl89]

FA,

I'm so sorry to read this.  I really wish I had something more helpful to say, but I really feel for you and hope you make it through this.

[ErinWDK]

FA

Hugs brother!

I lost my wife to cancer 13 years ago.  These things hurt.  Bad.  My heart goes out to you.

After the worst of the pain goes away there will still be times it creeps back up on you when you least expect it.  You need to keep on going!

Please, please, please, avoid the bottle - that only makes things worse!


Erin

[MadelineB]

Hi FA, losing our loved ones is some of the worst hurt we ever experience. Beyond our grief for that person and all they mean for us, there is also the hole in our routines, and in our emotional world. This can be even harder on intraverts and on men, who tend often to find one person with whom they fulfill all of their needs for physical, emotional, and practical intimacy and companionship.
One of the main reasons why AA and NA works is because it fosters close human daily contacts and closeness. It also works because all of the steps and practices bring us closer to each other and to our higher power. Intimacy is the opposite of numbness.
Alcohol divorces us from our pain by divorcing ourselves from awareness of our own heart and the hearts of others. Slow suicide is better than instant suicide because you can stop. Please stop, to feel the love you have for others and that so many others, including me, have for you.
You had some very poor examples of manhood, which you no longer need to follow. I didn't know your wife, but he sounds like a stronger, more emotionally healthy man then the drinkers and tough guys who taught you those lies that men don't cry, men don't grieve, men don't need others except for sex and chores. Your wife was there because he loved you.

Being present, being real, daring to be kind, daring to be vulnerable, daring to not know, daring to reach out: these are the attractive and amazing attributes of the best men. You have the potential to be one of them, and to love and rejoice again.

[Nero]

Hi FA, losing our loved ones is some of the worst hurt we ever experience. Beyond our grief for that person and all they mean for us, there is also the hole in our routines, and in our emotional world. This can be even harder on intraverts and on men, who tend often to find one person with whom they fulfill all of their needs for physical, emotional, and practical intimacy and companionship.
One of the main reasons why AA and NA works is because it fosters close human daily contacts and closeness. It also works because all of the steps and practices bring us closer to each other and to our higher power. Intimacy is the opposite of numbness.
Alcohol divorces us from our pain by divorcing ourselves from awareness of our own heart and the hearts of others. Slow suicide is better than instant suicide because you can stop. Please stop, to feel the love you have for others and that so many others, including me, have for you.
You had some very poor examples of manhood, which you no longer need to follow. I didn't know your wife, but he sounds like a stronger, more emotionally healthy man then the drinkers and tough guys who taught you those lies that men don't cry, men don't grieve, men don't need others except for sex and chores. Your wife was there because he loved you.

Being present, being real, daring to be kind, daring to be vulnerable, daring to not know, daring to reach out: these are the attractive and amazing attributes of the best men. You have the potential to be one of them, and to love and rejoice again.

Oh Madeline - that is just incredibly beautiful. I feel like you truly get him and me. He was such a beautiful person who went through so much early pain and experiences, including grief. I loved him the very moment I saw him. I always thought it was his looks - he was truly beautiful. 5'3, a beautiful boy with gold eyes and black hair. His hair - very thick and straight. Black with silver strands running through it. He was going prematurely gray. It reminded me of the My Little Pony I had as a kid with the silver streaks through its mane. I would bury my face in it every night as I held him. The smell of it, the feel of him. I still look for that when I'm asleep.
I was absolutely horrible to him - abusive. I beat him early in our relationship. And later I cheated on him all the time. Sometimes even in front of him. I'd drag some guy (usually some little Mexican who barely spoke English) into our bed. And just expect him to deal with it. All the time.

I had this gorgeous Mexican boy a block or two away who loved me. This lover would beg me to stay the night and hold him. I didn't know how to refuse (well, actually he bribed me with dope money to hold him). Once it was light, I made the familiar walk down the alley to my house, praying and hoping to god with every step that the one I really loved would be there waiting for me. He always was. But he will never sit on the porch waiting for me again. He will never be there waiting when I get off work. I haven't been able to and I am not sure I can bear that the rest of my life. I cheated on him all the time, but he was the only one I truly loved. Ever.

The thing is, I now have a drinking problem. A problem I did not have until the hospital.  I am starting to die and rot like my father in law, his father after losing his wife. And I don't know how to stop it.

[sad panda]

That must be difficult to live with.

It hurts me every time i hurt my guy but I keep doing it. Not physically but.

Just did last night...

I feel so guilty.

It's hard how the closer people get the more they hurt each other.... the more attached we get the more afraid we feel of having to lose it and act out as if we don't need it. That is actually a learned attachment style. At a very young age. It's sort of pathological, at least in my case.... not that that makes it any easier to live with.

But, maybe in a sort of twisted way you were expressing how much you needed him. By telling yourself (and proving to him, but really also to yourself) you didn't because it was terrifying that you did.

[Nero]

That must be difficult to live with.

It hurts me every time i hurt my guy but I keep doing it. Not physically but.

Just did last night...

I feel so guilty.

It's hard how the closer people get the more they hurt each other.... the more attached we get the more afraid we feel of having to lose it and act out as if we don't need it. That is actually a learned attachment style. At a very young age. It's sort of pathological, at least in my case.... not that that makes it any easier to live with.

But, maybe in a sort of twisted way you were expressing how much you needed him. By telling yourself (and proving to him, but really also to yourself) you didn't because it was terrifying that you did.

Thanks honey and to everybody that has responded supporting me through this. Just the fact that you're there and typed something - means the world.

It's weird. I mean, I could ->-bleeped-<- everyone on the planet and it would never mean anything. Why I cheated? I don't know. I do think there's this thing sometimes when you really love somebody. And I could no longer see him the way I saw others. He became sacred.

[Christinetobe]

FA, just my two cents on why some not all people chest.  I truly believe that sometimes we are punishing ourselves by trying to make it obvious we don't deserve the person we truly love.  I think the other main reason is that we are all (I'm sorry to generalize) looking for acceptance and that is one way that at least superficially it makes us feel wanted even though we know how damaged we may be.  If I could just make a small suggestion and only because it worked for me.  I wanted to ask for forgiveness from my father after he had passed for not being the son he deserved.  And that has nothing to do with gender although some of the issues I am sure were caused by dysphoria.  I went to the ocean where we had spread his ashes and just sat quietly.  It took a long time 12 hours or so but I all of a sudden felt forgiven.  Now it was either Jim or a low blood sugar from not eating but I to this day feel he has acknowledged my apology and accepted it.  Sometimes it is still possible to be forgiven when you think it is to late.  Just a suggestion and I am sure it will not or does not work for everyone but it certainly helped me. Just hang in there and know there are plenty of people that truly do care about you and you can count me as one of them.  I wish you the best and the strength to carry on, move forward and live the life your S.O. Would have wanted you to live.  It is obvious he loved you as much as you loved him and I am sure he would want nothing more than your happiness. Please accept a hug from me and know that I am thinking of you.

[Ltl89]

FA,

Please know you aren't alone.  Many of us here know all too well about substance abuse and how it can take hold over us.  It's a horrible feeling and can leave you feeling helpless.  I wish there was more I could say about it and planned on saying more, but substance abuse still effects me to this day and there is only so much I can talk about it.  In any case, to see you or anyone else suffering in this area really upsets me.  I'm sorry you are going through this and hope that one day the past will leave you be and allow you to move forward in a healthy way.   In the meantime, know you aren't alone.  Please feel better. 

[Jess42]

FA, I have no words of comfort. I am sorry and if I could take your pain and add it to mine that I feel on a daily basis, I would. Life sux because we all have to suffer sometimes and grief just proves that we can love. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time hon, my prayers are with you.

[Julia-Madrid]

You are all such incredible people, real, intelligent, emotional beings.  I couldn't imagine going through my stuff without Susan's and y'all nearby.   We've all got our scars, our demons, and things that wake us up all wrung out. 

FA, you are strong, that's clear, human too.  I think you are wonderful.  We are with you.

J

[Sephirah]

The thing is, I now have a drinking problem. A problem I did not have until the hospital.  I am starting to die and rot like my father in law, his father after losing his wife. And I don't know how to stop it.

This is a good first step, sweetie. Talking about things. Getting out everything that you've been holding inside. You're not trying to avoid thinking about it anymore.

Grief doesn't always go away by trying to ignore it, or drown it out. Sometimes you need to get through the whole process, and then you can start to heal. That's what you're doing.

Be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you.

One step at a time, hon.

*big hug*

[Nero]

The thing is, I now have a drinking problem. A problem I did not have until the hospital.  I am starting to die and rot like my father in law, his father after losing his wife. And I don't know how to stop it.

This is a good first step, sweetie. Talking about things. Getting out everything that you've been holding inside. You're not trying to avoid thinking about it anymore.

Grief doesn't always go away by trying to ignore it, or drown it out. Sometimes you need to get through the whole process, and then you can start to heal. That's what you're doing.

Be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you.

One step at a time, hon.

*big hug*

I love you hon. But how can you be proud of me? Here I am, like a jellyfish spilling my guts all over the ocean. Practically willing people to stab me in the gut.

[Sephirah]

I love you hon. But how can you be proud of me? Here I am, like a jellyfish spilling my guts all over the ocean. Practically willing people to stab me in the gut.

Because you're not keeping everything locked up tight, and stabbing yourself in the gut. Over and over.

Take it from someone who does that for a living... it's not good for you.

You're looking for support, for help. You're not thinking that it doesn't matter anymore. That you can't change. You're admitting you don't know how to, and wanting input from others. People who've been through similar things.

Sweetie, I know you, remember? I know that takes an immense amount of courage for you to do. It wasn't so long ago that you wouldn't say boo to a goose, as it were. Too scared to speak about anything because of what people might say, or how it might make you look.

You're getting there. Slowly. You're getting there. Keep going.

[Nero]

not going to do anything. so nobody freak out. just really not good right now. not good at all. i'm not going to 'do' anything. but i'll probably eventually drink myself to death anyway. what th hell - i'm practically a worthless corpse already. i'm just going to close my eyes and hope all this will just stop a moment. after all, there is nothing to miss anymore. as far as hes concerned anyway. so i can close my eyes. i can sleep. i can drink myself to death.

those eyes i loved are forever closed. by this point, maybe they don't even exist anymore. i would have wanted to watch them disintegrate. drunk and out of my mind, i clawed th earth. wondering for a moment - should i just dig the casket up? no doubt the hair wouldn't have rotted yet. his hair. i used to wonder what it would all look like gray. but now it never will be. maybe it's still there. all black and silver. maybe i could bury my face in it one time to sleep again.  maybe his hands are still there

[Ltl89]

not going to do anything. so nobody freak out. just really not good right now. not good at all. i'm not going to 'do' anything. but i'll probably eventually drink myself to death anyway. what th hell - i'm practically a worthless corpse already. i'm just going to close my eyes and hope all this will just stop a moment. after all, there is nothing to miss anymore. as far as hes concerned anyway. so i can close my eyes. i can sleep. i can drink myself to death.

those eyes i loved are forever closed. by this point, maybe they don't even exist anymore. i would have wanted to watch them disintegrate. drunk and out of my mind, i clawed th earth. wondering for a moment - should i just dig the casket up? no doubt the hair wouldn't have rotted yet. his hair. i used to wonder what it would all look like gray. but now it never will be. maybe it's still there. all black and silver. maybe i could bury my face in it one time to sleep again.  maybe his hands are still there

FA,

I understand you are in a lot of pain and I wish I could take that away.  However, there are a lot of people that would be sad if you drank yourself to death.  Not only people here, but in your real life as well.  And though your partner isn't physically there anymore, he will always be there in spirit.  If you want to start over and make anew for him, you can always do that today.  At least for his memory and that would be a great way to honor him.  I'm sure he would have wanted you to be happy and healthy judging by the type of person you portray (he sounds very nuturing and caring). 

These things are hard.    Just don't hate yourself while you are trying to improve.  You may slip and fall as you're human, but please keep trying to get up.

*Post modified a tad.   

[Sephirah]

You are not practically a worthless corpse, mister. So don't even think that, okay?

He saw worth in you. He saw what and who you could be. That's part of why he loved you.

Those eyes aren't closed. They're in your heart. They're in your soul. Gazing at you with love. His memory lives on. In you. And while ever it's there he will never be gone. The physical may be gone but what he meant to you, who he was, your love for each other... that will never leave you.

He would want the best for you, sweetie, don't you think? To see you be who you always dreamed of being? To be happy? He would want that. That was part of his love for you. To watch you grow.

Wanna know something? You already know I took my name from someone close to me who died, to honour her memory. I've lost most everyone important to me in my life, in terms of family. But they're never gone, not truly. And I do my best. For them. For everyone I ever loved, and everyone who ever loved me, to honour them. To make me, and them, wherever they are, never forget. To make them proud of me, and feel that even in death, I was being true to the person they loved, and who I loved in return. To feel like when I do see them again, I'll be able to tell them that I was a good person, and I tried to do my best in this world. To be the best person I can be... for them, as well as for me.

You can do that. He would want you to do that. So that when you do see him again, you can tell him all the things you did. How you took the love you both felt in your lives, embraced that, and used it to grow, to become the person you both wanted you to be.

*big hug*

[kelly_aus]

FA, we don't always see eye to eye, but I like and respect you.. Which is why I'm going to say this..

Please don't drink yourself to death. It's a horrid, crappy, painful way to go.. Dying as you spray blood from both ends due to a GI bleed caused by liver failure is not how you want to go.. Trust me, I watched it happen to Alison. I came in to Alison's life far too late to help her. But if I can use her story to help others, I will and feel that her life wasn't wasted..

And to add a little macarbe humour.. Jaundice as your liver fails will make you yellow and I get the feeling that yellow just isn't your shade.

[Shantel]

I can't imagine the pain of losing one's spouse, we've been married for 45 years and loved one another for 50, I couldn't deal with it. My heart goes out to you FA!

[Nero]

@ LTL (just saw there were other replies. i'll post more thank you everybody

thanks hon. i lost all my self esteem and everything in me crumbled that day. i loathed myself with this deep black hatred that almost killed me. it was my fault. i wont go into it and i dont want people to argue with me. but it was.
i survived because somebody handed me a drink at the hospital. or i really might not be alive now. but those 12 days in the hospital made me a drunk. and now i can't bear ice cream trucks or green jolly ranchers or tons of other things. cause he liked them.

i moved out of state. or at this state of drunkenness, i would be out there wandering around, walking the streets we walked. standing like a zombie in front of his cousins house - who overdosed shortly after. his dads place - who collapsed of a heart attack at a gas station shortly after.  i would walk there, stand there at midnight like a drunken zombie. sniffing the air, grasping a pole, whatever is there. desperately searching for some trace. one time, whoever must have bought the cousins shack looked out. its a wonder i didnt get shot standing there like some kind of zombie peeping tom. maybe i wanted to be, really.

but i moved now. so theres nowhere i can go looking for him.

[JulieBlair]

Just one more voice.  You are not bad, you are not evil, you have value and courage, and most of all you have this community.  Those of us who have been in the pit of addiction and crawled back out are here for you.  I'm tired of cleaning up after someone I know and like kills themselves with drink, a drug, or with a gun.  You've reached out - now get some help.  It's there, call me, call someone, treatment helps, but isn't a panacea.  Work is required, but it is work of self discovery, and self redemption.

The Big Book of AA says it pretty well: "He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline. With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves."

The power is there for you however you wish to define it.  But only you can bring the necessary humility to give up and accept what is freely offered.  If I could do it for you I would.  It has been a long time since I tapped the infinite, and If I stay spiritually fit, I will keep the connection and live in love and peace.  I want this for you.

Julie