Asexual Angst

[devon14]

Hello Everyone,

I've started to feel really down today. I was working at my computer at work when from outside my office, a few of my coworkers were talking about their kids dating habits and the dating habits that they had when they were young. They would talk about how their children are starting to date at age 16 and how they were in terms of dating at the same age. This really triggered me and I fell into a deep state of depression where I couldn't even focus on what I was previously working on. The reason for this is that I've been asexual sense birth. I have never been attracted to either gender and as a result have never had an intimate relationship with anyone. I've tried faking attraction in the past when I was high school but that only led to anger and frustration. Just thinking about this makes me want to vomit. I am not comfortable being asexual and hope that HRT will help me gain attraction to people.

I've been on HRT for three weeks now. Before being on HRT, when my libido was much higher (don't miss it), I would have constant sexual fantasies about having intimate relationships with guys as a woman. These internal fantasies would only work however if i did not see any pictures of people and that the situations were either conjured up in my head or by reading erotic material. As soon as i see a physical body however, I was instantly turned off.

I dont know how to cope with this lack of attraction as its eating me away. I really would like to be able to have somone close to me on an intimate level but find that hard if im not attracted to them physically. Please help 

[devon14]

You know, being asexual is fine... Someone posted here a while ago that rate of asexuality is quite high among transgender folks - almost like 1/3 are straight, 1/3 are bi/homosexual and remaining 1/3 are asexual. I was asexual till I turned 23 and if not one stupid mistake I probably would have remained that way.
The issue here is that You keep comparing Yourself to other people and feel somehow diminished in comparison, but You really should not be making that comparison in the first place - because that is what makes You feel bad, not the fact that You are asexual.

Its not so much comparing myself to others but feeling like its hard to form an intimate relation with someone else due to my asexuality.

[Joanna Dark]

I had a pretty low or non-existent libido prior to HRT. Didn't really think or care about sex too much and I hate porn. My male friends would watch porn and it would be so uncomfortable cause I would never know what to say. For me, everything occurs in my head. But, now that I've been on HRT for 13 months, I would say I have a much, much stronger libido and think about sex a lot. In fact, I had sex on Friday and I can't stop thinking about it and being tossed around and man-handled. I lovelovedloved it. So, yeah, HRT could give you more of a libido. But maybe it's always been there but guys never hit on me before where the other day I was in bed with my BF and i took off my shirt and my BF was all "look who's getting all sexy!" And then he pretty much had his way with me. So it can def change.

But there's nothing wrong with being an ACE. Yeah, there's a name for it!!!

[devon14]

I had a pretty low or non-existent libido prior to HRT. Didn't really think or care about sex too much and I hate porn. My male friends would watch porn and it would be so uncomfortable cause I would never know what to say. For me, everything occurs in my head. But, now that I've been on HRT for 13 months, I would say I have a much, much stronger libido and think about sex a lot. In fact, I had sex on Friday and I can't stop thinking about it and being tossed around and man-handled. I lovelovedloved it. So, yeah, HRT could give you more of a libido. But maybe it's always been there but guys never hit on me before where the other day I was in bed with my BF and i took off my shirt and my BF was all "look who's getting all sexy!" And then he pretty much had his way with me. So it can def change.

But there's nothing wrong with being an ACE. Yeah, there's a name for it!!!

I don't think that there is anything wrong for someone to be asexual but at the same time, that's not how I think I am deep down. I feel like my sexuality is locked up somewhere deep inside of me and that HRT is the material that can be used to fashion a key in order to open that lock.

[devon14]

Although I think that my journey will assist me in finding my true sexuality, I don't know how to cope in the present. My inner self really wants to start getting into relationships as fast as possible. The sexual part is only a small part (a nice part but a small part none the less), I really want to start a relationship for the sense of family as my current family is slowly fading away. I've only just begun my transition but already I want to start a family as a woman.

[devon14]

Is there anyone whom has experienced similar issues to mine? How did you learn to cope on your journey of self discovery in this realm?

[Ltl89]

There is nothing wrong with being asexual, but I'm sorry this is creating trouble for you.  I guess some of us take for granted the fact that we know what we want.  I had a friend that said he was asexual in the sense that he didn't really want to have a sexual relationship with people.  He called himself pansexual, but he had only dated women.  I suppose all that changed, since he is now married, but I do know that he found himself very much in love before pursuing things in the physical realm.  There are a lot of people out there that consider the emotional attachment much more important than the physical.  For me, despite my physical attraction to men, I do think emotions are more important and sometimes create attraction to those I wasn't into beforehand.   Like I couldn't imagine being intimate without that emotional connection.   And even if I thought some guy was hot, I wouldn't be attracted to him if I thought he had a bad personality.  And I've had the reverse happen where I met somebody that I wasn't into physically only to fall for him and feel attraction because of who he is as a person.  That's actually quite common for me.

Maybe you just need to have some kind of connection with someone before you could feel anything physical?  Have you ever had a strong crush on anyone?  How did you feel about them emotionally and physically after that.

In any case, sorry it's creating angst.  There is nothing wrong with being asexual, but I can see how it could create problems. 

[Avery.u2205]

About the 'figuring out one's sexuality' bit. This seems to require opening up and going with what seems viscerally right. I only just started feeling comfortable identifying as trans* but the changes in how I'm relating to people, in daily life, are large. Pretending to be someone else had me miserable.

I think you could be with someone in a sensual way even without the actual sex part. I'd recommend trying a relationship with only expecting someone to be fully comfortable with, without straining for an attraction you're not feeling yet/at first. If it helps, the big killers seem to be 'normal' relationship issues. Trust, respect, boundaries, etc

[MadelineB]

Hi Athena. These are issues that a good therapist can help you find where your heart is at. As many have said, there is nothing wrong with asexuality, and many asexual people who value relationships have healthy, emotionally intimate relationships without a sexual content. If you are asexual AND aromantic, you can still enjoy deeply satisfying companionship and friendship without a sexual or romantic bond, with others who are looking for the same thing.

If you are asexual but do have romantic desires you can have intimate relationships with romance but not sex with others who are looking for the same thing.

Some people have sexual interest but are aromantic, and have satisfying 'friends with benefits' relationships with others who are looking for the same thing.

And some people do have a libido and a desire for romantic attachments but are wounded or traumatized so that the thought of a sexual or romantic connection with an actual person triggers them.

Typically aces are not revolted or scared of sex, they are just not interested.

Typically aromantic folks don't dread or fear romantic attachment; they just aren't interested in pursuing it.

Having strong negative reactions even if you don't know why, is very often caused by suppressed trauma. That can be worked on with a therapist and be fully healed, so you go on to enjoy a healthy sexuality that is right for you, or a healthy asexualty that is right for you.

Good luck and much love to you. I can testify that healing, even profound liberation and self-acceptance, can and will be yours.

[ReaverMarcus]

Hey Athena,

I'm asexual as well. I do have an SO, but not because I'm attracted to him physically or anything. The connect I have with him is emotionally. To me, a personality makes someone attractive. Don't worry about trying to get into a relationship just to be in one. Try and find someone you connect to on an emotional level.

Reaver