worth even telling anyone if Im not transitioning?

[jaybutterfly]

I struggle on the interpersonal level with other people, save for the close friends I am out to. I am not sure if I can bring myself to even start transition, but I cross-live when I get chances or when the dysphoria gets too much. Over time and having some very understanding close friends, I have found a way to deal with my gender issues and find a way to modify my gender expression so I can be relatively comfortable at the point, though I do have depression slumps from it.

That said, I am looking at therapy to help me manage it a bit better, but this feeling that I am not male on the inside impacts my dating and sex life quite badly. I feel I cannot find love because of it, and that is probably the biggest worry I have with this. I also have quite a masculist dad and brother who i live with and feel the relationship with them cannot be good if I am hiding like this, though I fear if I tell them they will jump on me over it, since they are so in the stone age they still think every gay man is a mincing, crossdressing pervert, so Im not sure how theyd take to me being trans.

Since Im trying to avoid transition unless life becomes horribly unbearable and I am coping in some ways, is it even worth tellng my family?

[AnnieMay]

I also have quite a masculist dad and brother who i live with and feel the relationship with them cannot be good if I am hiding like this, though I fear if I tell them they will jump on me over it, since they are so in the stone age they still think every gay man is a mincing, crossdressing pervert, so Im not sure how theyd take to me being trans.

From time to time, we have a desire to stop hiding who we are. But it sounds like you have little to gain at the present time. If outing yourself to your dad and brother is likely to be very contentious and non-productive, neither you nor they will benefit. Therapy sounds like a great idea and can help you is deciding when and how to deal with your dad and your brother.

[Jess42]

I wouldn't until the time comes. As for love, there are people that will love you and you can love back and have a meaningful relationship with romanticallywise. Love isn't limited to boy/girl, gay/gay, lesbian/lesbian and so on. Just don't limit yourself. And definately don't worry about not finding love 'cause it will find you but you can't close the door and refuse to let it in. You just have to be open to it. Does that make sense? I figured I'd hit on that part since you mentioned that was the thing that worried you most. The other stuff is up to you.

[Beverly]

Since Im trying to avoid transition unless life becomes horribly unbearable and I am coping in some ways, is it even worth tellng my family?

I did not tell mine until I knew I had to transition. I waited until I could not keep it in any more. I got to the point where I no longer cared if they rejected me, I had to be me. Having said that I worked hard to keep them when I did tell them and it was largely successful.

I always say to people that they should not transition unless they absolutely have to. Transition destroys so much.

[JamesG]

How old are you JayButterfly?

I always say to people that they should not transition unless they absolutely have to. Transition destroys so much.

Plus it's really not anyone else's business, including family.

[Beverly]

Plus it's really not anyone else's business, including family.

I disagree. A transition affects others around you. My transition affected acquaintances, colleagues, friends and family. Unless you decide to become a hermit your transition cannot help becoming other peoples's business.

If you care about them then you will be influenced by their opinions.

[Jill F]

I did not tell mine until I knew I had to transition. I waited until I could not keep it in any more. I got to the point where I no longer cared if they rejected me, I had to be me. Having said that I worked hard to keep them when I did tell them and it was largely successful.

I always say to people that they should not transition unless they absolutely have to. Transition destroys so much.

Sadly, it's just like that sometimes.

I told my wife and longtime friend after I tried drinking myself to death a couple of times upon finally admitting to myself that I was definitely gender variant.  I figured I was as pretty much as good as dead anyway, so what did I have to lose by hoping somebody close to me would end up being supportive?  It sucks it had to come to that, but I suppose it is one of the brutal consequences of deep denial.  I almost couldn't believe that they both stuck with me, but I actually didn't tell another soul until almost 3 months into HRT, having fully committed to becoming PermaJill and kissing dude goodbye forever.  I was prepared to lose everyone, and I had to fight a bit to keep a few of them around.   Once people saw how happy I had become, they all pretty much "got it".  For me it was literally life or death, proverbial wrecking ball be damned.

[Jill F]

How old are you JayButterfly?

Plus it's really not anyone else's business, including family.

Are you seriously trying to tell me it was none of my wife's business? 

[Beverly]

I was prepared to lose everyone, and I had to fight a bit to keep a few of them around.

Rather than "prepared" I was "resigned" to losing everyone. I figured that if I killed myself I would lose everyone anyway so telling them was a better option.

Once people saw how happy I had become, they all pretty much "got it". 

Indeed. I have had a few people tell me they prefer me as I am now.

[Kaydee]

Well you need to choose what is most comfortable for you.  Personally I am having trouble relating to those close to me while hiding the biggest thing in my life.   I feel like I am lying to my family every time I talk to them and it really bothers me.  I get tired of pretending to be interested in talking about work and friends and pretending to be someone I am not.  So I am in the process of outing myself to some family members (just send out an email a few moments ago) and am hoping they will be accepting.

That said, if I feel someone will be non-accepting I will not tell them at this point.  I have enough left-over shame of my own, I don't need anyone to dump on me.

[Jill F]

Indeed. I have had a few people tell me they prefer me as I am now.

Happily, my wife told me that months ago.  She doesn't miss that grumpy, miserable guy that she was sure she would find dead someday.  She actually told me to NEVER go back to being a guy under any circumsances.  *happy dance*

[JamesG]

Are you seriously trying to tell me it was none of my wife's business? 

If you can pull off her not noticing or it not effecting her...  but I meant more family as inlaws and outlaws.

[Ms Grace]

I didn't tell most people, including parents, until I was days from full time transition. Telling them earlier wouldn't have served any purpose except confuse them, make them feel uncertainty and give them false hope I'd change my mind or they'd be able to talk me out of it.

Jay, if you're not going to transition what would you tell them and what would you expect them to do or act towards you as a result? Would they do it anyway and how would that make you feel? A lot of people have found that telling their folks that they are trans (even well in advance of transition) has created conflict and driven a huge wedge between them, you should be prepared for that if you proceed at this stage. It could also ultimately be fine but it will take time to get there, doesn't usually happen overnight.

[helen2010]

Jay

My view is that you do only what you feel is safe and beneficial to you.  You don't have to share/expose yourself if you are pretty certain that the reaction is likely to be unsupportive or damaging.  Coming out to those who are most likely to be supportive or even neutral is however a viable strategy.

This may change if your situation changes but my view is be cautious rather than reckless

Aisla

[Jessica Merriman]

If you can pull off her not noticing or it not effecting her...  but I meant more family as inlaws and outlaws.

Like it or not transition DOES affect the ones we love. I myself can't live a life of deception with an SO at all. Relationships are about trust. Wait until you are very sure then confide in your loved one.

[jaybutterfly]

I wouldn't until the time comes. As for love, there are people that will love you and you can love back and have a meaningful relationship with romanticallywise. Love isn't limited to boy/girl, gay/gay, lesbian/lesbian and so on. Just don't limit yourself. And definately don't worry about not finding love 'cause it will find you but you can't close the door and refuse to let it in. You just have to be open to it. Does that make sense? I figured I'd hit on that part since you mentioned that was the thing that worried you most. The other stuff is up to you.

Im trying to be open to it, but... anyone I tell instantly loses interest if they ever show it

[Jess42]

Im trying to be open to it, but... anyone I tell instantly loses interest if they ever show it

Oh jay, don't give up hope. And don't get discouraged. I am definately a hopless romantic and there are a lot more of us out there that are. I have been shot down, laughed at, been just plain mean to and rejected many times. Yeah it hurt my feelings, I may have cried a little but I never gave up hope and kept looking. Everyone is not everyone else's cup of tea and I have been in my share of relationships with guys and girls, most came when I least expected and wasn't even trying but more like chance. But you have to put yourself out there and remain open to the chance.

I don't know how old you are but believe me when you are younger it seems devestating, but when you get a little older not so much.

[Jessica Merriman]

but when you get a little older not so much.

Isn't that the truth sister!

[Jess42]

Isn't that the truth sister!

Most definately. The older you get and the more experience the less it hurts. I guess I could be a cougar. I love that commercial with the blond woman for that couger dating sight. She freakin' rocks putting all them young girls in thier place. Especially the last part where she pushes the girl out of the chair, sits down and tells the little cutie, "How 'bout I buy you a drink?" I love it.

[helen2010]

Im trying to be open to it, but... anyone I tell instantly loses interest if they ever show it

Jay

Not every one hears or fully understands what is being said or indeed what you are trying to communicate.  Sharing an intimate and complex insight with someone early in a relationship can be hit or miss.  They may seize on one word e.g. transgender and immediately associate it with a whole raft of, in their mind, negative connotation.  Best to test their understanding and whether you think they are in a position to understand what you are wish to say at that point in time.  In fact i have often repeated myself, even with close friends who are pretty aware, that I am speaking transgender and not tv or ts.  That I am non binary but at this stage do not expect or see the need for a full transition.  This  has usually resulted in a positive response and further questions.  I do guard against deluging them with massive amounts of information or emotion and try not to make this a standing agenda item every time we catch up as they soon tire of either the subject or me.  This is a challenge as I am proud that I am tg and wish to share with them my experience and growth.

Hope that the above helps.  When friends have realised that I am not in a crisis, that I am the same person but more self aware, am in control etc they have been either supportive or neutral.  I am not sure just how to read the neutral responses and lack of followup but have chosen to interpret it positively i.e. it makes no difference to them, they see the same person that they have always enjoyed and that they respect me for sharing this with them.


Best wishes

Aisla