Getting out of a relationship...

[SCat]

So... I'm 30 and about 4 years ago I plucked up the courage to FINALLY see a doctor to say I was born the wrong gender. For years I have secretly been dressing up a female and being born in the wrong body has plagued me all my life... I have tried to shake it off... I was referred to the gender identity clinic but I chickened out (first false start)

So I tried to resume with my biological gender hoping it would go away. I got myself a girlfriend and we are now in a two year relationship. I do care about her... but my "wrong gender" feeling only seem to have got worse (everytime I go to the bathroom I look at the girl's deodorant with envy for crying out loud.. it's so bizarre!)

We are due to move in together in June. Her parent's haven't helped by saying things like, "you're the best thing that's happened to her" and "she never used to laugh until she met you!".

I feel an immense pressure. I really don't want to hurt this person. I feel responsible for going this far with the relationship... oddly the letting down of her means more than the hurt of my own family... and I know out of my own personal satisfaction I wouldn't transition until I could afford FFS and voice surgery (at least I think so, my mind is changing to that too)... should I continue until we naturally split up? If not how how HOW do I do it? What if I'm wrong?

[Jessica Merriman]

First I would get a good Therapist with gender experience and make sure transition is right for you. If it is found you suffer from gender Dysphoria you need to have an honest talk with her. My own experience showed me Dysphoria only gets worse over time. If you try to just live with it you may one day find yourself hating her for being a road block to transition. I know you may not mean too, but the thought will be there anyway. Don't live the rest of you life with "what ifs". Get a diagnosis and go from there. Your Therapist could help plan how and when you talk to her about it and give you good advice on what to say.

[LordKAT]

Don't drop a person without giving them a chance.

Tell her what you feel. She may just be your biggest supporter.

[Jill F]

Don't drop a person without giving them a chance.

Tell her what you feel. She may just be your biggest supporter.

^THIS^

[Ms Grace]

Don't drop a person without giving them a chance.

Tell her what you feel. She may just be your biggest supporter.

^THIS^

Agreed. Maybe sound her out to get a sense of what she feels/knows about trans* people, and maybe (very gently and cautiously) what she thinks about lesbians (since she would effectively need to think about her own sexual orientation were you to transition and remain attracted to her and she to you)...but I also agree with Jessica, talk to a counsellor, get your feelings sorted out before you drop a bomb on her.

Welcome to the site, BTW. Drop over to the intro section and say hi!

[helen2010]

Agree with all of the above.  This is an opportunity to be authentic with her and with yourself.  Don't miss it.

Aisla

[Kaydee]

Waiting for the relationship to naturally end could make things much worse.  The deeper you get into the relationship the harder it will get to tell her and the worse you will both be hurt when the inevitable happens (split or truth).

Tell her now and hope for the best.

[Jenna Marie]

It's not a guarantee that the relationship will end... but I agree with everyone else that waiting will only make it worse. If you're already resigned to losing her, then the worst that can happen from telling her now is the outcome you expected - and you *might* be pleasantly surprised.

(Still happily married 4 years post-transition, here.)

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

You should definately tell her. Not only might she support you, it would also be very cruel to lead to think that everything will be one way when really it will be another. That would not be right.

[partnergirl]

I agree with everyone above. Give her the chance to make that decision.  If you still want to be with her...explain how you feel and what you want and then give her space, time and support to make that decision. 

If she accepts you and wants to stay together your relationship will only get stronger.  Allowing the relationship to continue and eventually deteriorate will inevitably lead to bad feelings on both sides.

If you open up to her and she doesn't want to stay together at least she will know why it ended and you'll be released from the guilt of hiding this from her.

She obviously cares deeply for you and even if you don't stay together, by telling her you're far more likely to keep her in your life as a friend. 

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Talk to her, she cares about you , right?

[SCat]

Thanks to everybody for your responses.  I don't think telling her is such a good idea... she's not that kinda girl to accept such things, plus I want to begin transitioning "on my own" so to speak, without baggage or worries. For me it's whether I let her go or not but from hearing from other people this "feeling" only gets stronger (and from my experience, it is). Plus, I don't want to be the talk of her friends, family, etc. We live in a social media world, people talk and I don't want to be part of that gossip. I don't even plan on telling my family until I'm further down the transition road, where I'm certain and when I'm doing my RLE (they live abroad, I don't see them that much). No, go it alone, meet some people in the trans community, gain an "outside" support network and go from there...

[Ms Grace]

Once you start HRT your libido and sexual function will drop, you'll start to grow breasts, etc...unless she's completely unobservant she'll most likely notice something's going on with you within about three to four months.

If it's any help, there have been people who I've told who I thought would react very badly...they turned out to be incredibly supportive so it's good not to prejudge other people's reactions.

As for the gossip, yes it will happen - like wildfire - and there isn't much you can do to avoid it once the word is out.