Am I transgendered?

[Umiko]

HI everyone, I'm a 21 and I'm new here. Lemme start by saying, i just recently came out about my gender dysphoria, but i'm still highly confused. Every since i was about 7 years of age, i always loved playing with girls toys such as barbie dolls, fairy wands, and i think i still have my pink silver sparkle hula-hoop. As i grew up, my environment changed on a constant bases which forced me to grew up as a male. About a few years back, i told my mom adamantly that i was a girl and tried to cut off my penis with a x-acto knife ( which i still have and tried to use at least 5 other times). I never liked having male friends and when i am around them i feel really awkward and highly uncomfortable, but when i get in my ring of female friends, i feel like i belong, comfortable. This past sunday, i got to a point were i couldnt take it anymore and started cutting again just to feel better. Plus, i get these immensely burning urges to by female clothes. I even act out the female parts of animes i watch and even within MMORPG games, i play only the female roles. I just dont know what to do or think anymore. I just dont know if its whether the fact that i've been raised in a female only home or its my deep need to free myself and become what i know i am.

[Jessica Merriman]

A big warm welcome to the family Umiko! I can relate to all the feelings you described. A first step would be to find a Therapist with gender experience to help you find out what is going on. They are wonderful to have in your corner and can give you guidance which to make decisions on. We can not diagnose here, but I will say it is very likely you suffer from Gender Dysphoria. Let a professional make the call on that though. Feel free to rant, vent, share good news, learn or just have some fun while you are with us. A good document to read would be the WPATH Standards of Care. There is a copy here at Susan's. It describes the signs and symptoms of trans diagnosis and treatment. Here is a BIG HUG  to welcome you and make you feel right at home!


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[helen2010]

Umiaks

As Jessica says you need to see a gender therapist,  sooner rather than later.  Until then you are likely to be highly stressed and you will over think everything.  A good gender therapist will not only provide a diagnosis but will help you make sense of your situation, your options, workable strategies etc.  They will become a very effective sounding board and someone to whom you can share anything and unburden yourself.

This is a daunting but nevertheless exciting time of self discovery and self realisation.  Your friends here will provide, advice and support as you move forward but do not have the professional perspective of the gender therapist you choose to work with.

Safe travels

Aisla

[LordKAT]

Welcome to Susan's, Umiko. I think you will find a lot of people here with similar stories. A therapist can do wonders to help you deal with it all.

[Umiko]

Well i have my first therapy appointment tonight. Even though i found my therapist on psychology.com, its still nerve racking because I wouldnt know how to bring up the conversation or how do i make my story credible enough for him to listen. So many things are running through my mind and times like these, i freeze up.

[LordKAT]

The best way to make your story credible is to tell the truth, and attempt to do so calmly. It can be scary to bring up but remember why you made the appointment, Why are you here? Gender issues. They could likely take the lead from there.  Happy wishes for your appointment.

[Umiko]

Does writing a list that organize my thoughts and feelings helpful? I want to be able to express myself clearly, because of the fact i'm immensely shy and i get very intimidated easily. I also want to be able to separate my mental diagnoses ( bi-polar, anxiety disorder, and depression disorder, NOS) from my actually gender issues. I just want to be able to sort out my thoughts and feelings so i'm well prepared for my session so i can somewhat get the ball rolling since i feel like i should of done this at 14 but got to scared and didnt know what i was feeling at the time. Trying not to rush but i dont want to drag this out any longer

[abbyFlame]

I find writing in my journal just before I go into therapy helps me get my thoughts in order beforehand. I frequently don't get to everything I want to talk about in session but it's good to have had a chance to reflect before so that the most important thing is usually the topic of the hour.

[Umiko]

well had my first therapy session. it went rather well, but it left me more confused than before. My new therapist is great. He said for me to see an endocrinologist so i'm hoping thats good news 

[helen2010]

Umiko

This sounds like good news.  Therapy is a process.  At times you will be confused, delighted and confounded.  But over time you will find growth, confidence and peace.  I wish you well in your journey.

Aisla

[Umiko]

well as it stands right now, he wants me to do some exploring first. Only question is how do i go about that. Does he mean cross-dress in the house and/or times when i go out to like restaurants. As of now, i dont want to go on walks or to classes dressed as a girl.

[Veronica M]

well as it stands right now, he wants me to do some exploring first. Only question is how do i go about that. Does he mean cross-dress in the house and/or times when i go out to like restaurants. As of now, i dont want to go on walks or to classes dressed as a girl.

Hi Umiko;
Welcome to Susan's... I am glad you took the steps to see a therapist. They are a big help. After reading the OP the first thing I would say is throw those x-acto knifes away sweetie. You'll do much more harm than good. Never the less to answer your question; Take things at your own speed... Do what your comfortable with. Dress in the house for a while. Mess around with makeup. Then perhaps find a transgender group and when you feel comfortable with the group then perhaps present as female there. It's a one step at a time deal and there is no rush. The only person that you should worry about is you and how you feel. There are always going to be critics in life no matter how you present.

[Umiko]

unfortunately, where i live, there isnt that many trans groups. I was lucky to find my therapist who actually is very helpful, understanding yet isnt a "gatekeeper" I dont drive, so even though my mom is very supportive, she works until late night hours plus i have classes that could run well into the evenings. Its just very stressful, but since i came out the closet, i feel like time has finally started moving for me so, i'll keep pushing forward, plus i feel more comfortable in one on one type of situations. I suffer from massive paranoia