Curious about myself and MTF

[Subaru]

Okay so I'm a straight male, 20 years old and I've always had an urge to be a female, I'm not sure if I know why or what it is, I've crossed dressed for years to get off, if I masturbate I put myself in in a females position, only because I love their bodies and everything about them. I can't help but think I'd like to wake up in the morning and put a bra and some tight jeans on and just go on with my day as a female, I feel like it would fix my sexual urge and these thoughts that I've had deep down since I was at least 8 years old. I've been reading up on HRT, and if I could change my body and my self to be more feminine I feel almost as that the part of me I've been missing for so many years. If I could have the hips and the curves of a woman that would be a dream come true. But I don't know if this is my sexuality talking or what, I'm a good looking guy, I'm not gay at all, I love females and everything about them, and deep down the deepest part of me want to go through with it and start HRT and go down the road to SRS at some point, I feel I would make a gorgeous woman and I could please myself. But I've never talked to anyone about this ever, anyone have any thoughts or advice?

[Miyuki]

That's a tough one... I wasn't gay when I decided to transition either, but I also had a lot of dysphoric feelings that went beyond just a sexual urge to have a female body. And it wasn't until I had been on anti-androgens that completely killed my male sex drive for years that I decided I wanted to seriously start transitioning. Having a male sex drive can really confuse things, because sometimes it's impossible to tell how you really feel until you get rid of it. Like are you genuinely experiencing symptoms of gender dysphoria, or is it just a turn-on that would eventually dissipate without a sex drive to back it up. Hearing you say thing like "I feel I would make a gorgeous woman and I could please myself" sort of concerns me, because it makes it sound like you really want to be attractive to yourself, rather than just feeling like you need female parts to be attractive. That being said, if you're serious, I think you should find a therapist that specializes in gender related issues to see. They should be able to help you figure out what the best approach would be.

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

Subaru,

First whoever you are and however you experience identity or desire is great. And you should embrace it without embarrassment or self-criticism. Your questions may take a long time to answer. It's not unusual to experience transgender identity as a sexual fantasy; nor is it an unusual sexual fantasy to imagine the self as another gender. I second Miyuki's advice about seeking out a gender therapist who will listen to you and help you over time understand who you are and how to be happy, whoever that may be. You should be able to research these in your area, but check back in if you're having trouble finding one.

Best wishes to you.

Jane

[Kylie]

The fact that you have felt this way since you were eight years old may indicate that it goes a little deeper than just the sexual.  That is quite a bit before puberty and after gender identity is thought to be set.  That may just be the first time you remember it as well.  Either way, people fall all over the place with this, and you just don't know until you explore your feelings.  I echo the recommendation that it is so important that you find a counselor who is experienced with these issues.  They have seen it all, and can guide you through and most importantly answer questions.  It is a completely safe venue to lay out your concerns and desires and if you have never told anyone, let me tell you, it is such a freeing experience to let it go for the first time.

My greatest advice from experience is to get it figured out now when you are young, and make sure you get a therapist that is experienced in this. I first told a therapist at my university when I was 22, but she was a student so she didn't know where to go with it. She had never seen it before, so she just listened which was still very helpful.  The suicidal thoughts and depression i was having almost went away completely for a couple years, and I felt like I could handle this.  Long story short, I am now learning that this is something that cannot just "be handled", and am really mourning the years I lost.  It is your life, you only have one, go out and find how you were meant to live it! 

[~Evelyn~]

Hi Subaru,

Well for starters you should try to get in touch with a counselor or maybe a therapist, you also should try coming out to your parents about it if you haven't yet that is. Trust me coming out of the closet would be a really great help in your journey to transition,also don't rush into things just keep calm and things will work out just fine. If you need anyone to talk to I'm always here to listen. *hugs*

[Jennygirl]

Welcome to the boards

This question comes up a lot so ask away! So many people are confused at first about how to draw the line between sexuality and gender identity.

I would have to say the most qualified person of all is a trans specialized gender therapist or sexologist. They should be able to help you out with the right questions

You'll get no shortage of support here, too. There are so many of us that have had to confront the same exact feelings... myself included!

[WaspWoman]

This echoes my own experiences in many ways. The feelings go as far back as I can recall as a young child and then upon reaching puberty the rush of testosterone and male sex drive confused things. Yes it became sexual, but at that age what wasn't? There's has been a tidal ebb and flood since then with waves of purging (when living with roommates). About four months ago I came across resources like this site and it has been a game changer for me. For the first time in my life I see that there is something I can do, and I don't have to sit alone in silent pain.

I haven't seen a therapist yet, about this anyways, but is my plan to do so as soon as it is feasible for me and like the others here I suggest you do the same. I am very confident that this is the proper path for me, I have always been one to heavily research and evaluate every choice, but in the end it is always good to have an experienced professional perspective as well.

Best wishes on your journey!