Selfacceptance

[Ishtar]

Hey everyone,

im going far into my self discovery and havent any doubts about being trans anymore. My GID grows really strong over the years. My past life is pointless, and it is falling deeper into the shadows over the years without any outer reason. So while my crossdreaming/->-bleeped-<- self cry for a transition my male socialized brain doesnt allow it yet. I dont want to live my life this way anymore. i dont want to feel so much sadness about the fact that i wasn't born female, i dont want to life with ->-bleeped-<-, i cant imagine a real future as a male but it wouldnt kill me. i could live this way even if it wont be fullfilling.

But the price of transition is high. No childrean, no place for mistakes, lost of many relationships and social status. I could arrange with this but i fear i wont be able to accept that i am finally a woman, that i will fail in life as a woman because i will see me always as trans, as an outsider unable to go into a normal life as a woman. i wouldnt care about passing if i could just say im a woman and it must be.
This is driving me so hard that im thinking even about suicide. I am not so far but i was never on such a dark way before. i dont see a happy future whatever i decide. right now my future lies in darkness. i suffer under gid, if i transition i think my past will so toxic that i could fall so easy into doubts about this decision. and maybe in 10 years i sit there and think about detransition. a nightmare. giving up my dream about childrean and a normal life, for a bubble...i actually start cry writing this
Im trying to find out if i am really a woman inside? how can i know that since the mirror told me otherwise. i always know that i am not acting like i should and was uncomfortable with my male role but is this enough to say i am a woman? when i was a child i know i was different, but i dont know why. so it could be everything. i have this strong desire living a womans life but does this say i am a woman inside? my mind is working in a to rational way to make a statement without a catchable proof...how can i figure this out? 

Greetings

[suzifrommd]

Im trying to find out if i am really a woman inside? how can i know that since the mirror told me otherwise. i always know that i am not acting like i should and was uncomfortable with my male role but is this enough to say i am a woman?

Ishtar, I had the same issues and questions.

What I did was to present as a female in as many different situations as I could. I joined a support group, went out to dinner with friends, went shopping, all as a female, so I could feel what it felt like.

It felt very natural, so much so that every time I went back to male presentation I felt a tinge of disappointment.

That's how I knew.

[Ltl89]

Ishtar,

Believe me, I understand hopleness and suicidal feelings all too well.  I wish that I didn't, but I do.  I can't tell you things are going to be amazing one way or the others because I don't know.  What I do know is that sucide is a permanent solution to something that can get better.  If there is a chance, even a small one that you can come out of this, isn't it worth continuing on?  I really hope you will choose the side of life and come out of this a happier person. 

[fusstangtroy]

You need to find doc to help you sort out your mental and body issues .Is there lgbt group where you are at ? Myself been in dark side i can say find a friend /family member /or some one thats on your side and talk /think/look to the future because theres happiness for you.But you will walk a mile in mental mud .. Each day will get better and when it clicks that your trans and feel natural you will see in colors like you have never seen before ... SMILE it does make one better .AKA Sara 

[Ishtar]

Hey,

thank you for your replies. I thought about going out as female but there it the problem that the "bad" feeling could be more of a "past adventure" as a dissapointment. and with my 200 lbs on 5'8 i dont have a passable form for a small reallife-test yet...so i just wonder how i could present female yet. it seems impossible to me. my male mannerisms are perfectly trained. i know that i am not acting natural since i have memories for thousand of adjusting thoughts about my behaviour that no one could say i am gayish or something. but i dont feel uncomfortable about that acting. i always had to play my role. so i dont know if i would feel natural as the actor or as the woman if i check it out.

i am in no lbgt group yet. it is a big step for me to reach out for a group since it is the first personal contact to ts. i dont know why i fear it so much. i am out to my mother. she accept but try to denie it today "you are manliest man. pure masculine. i just cant imagine. i think you just look for a solution of your problems etc." so i cant really talk to her anymore since i know this theme hurts her(i saw tears in her eyes when i explain her my feelings) and the guilty feelings bring me really down last time. i am really to unstable at this stage. i think for the next one or two months before i am able to get an appointment with a therapist i am alone with my anxiety. and time is no friend anymore...

[Ltl89]

Ishtar,

You're not alone to deal with your anxiety.  There are many here that can relate in some way and know "exactly" what you are going through.  I know having no one that understands in real life is hard and that companionship is desired, but you really aren't alone.  And give it all some time.  One or two months isn't really long in the grand scheme of things.  You'll soon see someone to discuss these issues.  For now, you have us.  I'm glad to see you haven't brought up the suicidal feelings again.  I'm hoping talking things out may have been somewhat helpful.