I keep losing it, getting out of control here

[Satinjoy]

Anyone else have a problem with fear paralyzing you for a day or so, then being ok for a few days, then having it overwhelm you again?

My fear is a simple one.  I am afraid I will fully transition and lose everything, and not be able to stop full transition.  Right now I can comfortably self express as male outside the door and with my wife... but my dysphoria appears to be getting more intense, gradually, and I feel like the life I live now could be doomed.  When I go down that road, suicidal ideations hit, I get sick to my stomach, I can't work, and I cannot function.  I just sit in the corner and shake.  Or start shooting out "help me" emails.

I know I am different that most girls in here, but I don't know what will happen to me.  I just want to be geniune, but to lose everything to be genuine hurts.  And that fear clouds up everything, in my spirit I know I am something different and maybe I will stay that way, living as a third sex preop transwoman, morphing socially depending on how threatened I feel.

I have been right on the edge of snapping lately girls and I need to get through this.  I have all the tools to survive transition, even  the courage to live, but I become a pile of jello at times and I can't handle being me- its so much to ask, I have been through so much- i fought so hard to be "normal".  Fought too long it hurt my mind.

This is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life, and its been with me since I was born.

If we didn't have Susans so I could cry and talk to you folks, who I respect so much,  I would be in sooooo much trouble.

I am such a mess.  But I want to be real.  I am so sick of stealth and fear and hiding and bullsh-- and being sh-- on by people that hate trans.

I feel like I am crying all the time inside now.  It hurts.

Now I am crying outside.  I never used to cry I was told I couldn't cry when I was a kid.  The tears are here, bye for now

[ErinWDK]

Satinjoy,

All I can offer are hugs and encouragement to keep on going.  SO: HUGS!!!

We seem to have a few things in common, so I fully understand what is happening.  This leaves the option of going day by day or hour by hour just hanging on by whatever means you can.  I did that for years and I am still working to clean up the mess in my mind.  But I am still going.  Please hang on so in time you can say the same: Satinjoy is still alive and well.

I hope things get better and you start to see hope for the future.

Again, HUGS!!!


Erin

[Jessica Merriman]

  Right now I can comfortably self express as male outside the door and with my wife... but my dysphoria appears to be getting more intense, gradually, and I feel like the life I live now could be doomed.

That is why I had to go full time and settle the matter once and for all. The confusion caused by trying to live BOTH genders got too much to handle. Every time I went out male I felt I was betraying my real female self and it made me loath myself and really harmed my mental status. Couple this with the fact I would forget which mannerism's I was supposed to be using during high stress or busy times when not paying attention to my currently dressed presentation and it was chaos. It provided more issue's than transition and being more steady with who I really am. For me the things I lost in transition were nothing compared to what I gained, peace of mind and a steady personality with no confusion. If you do not have a Therapist please get one as they can help a lot with your dilemma. You will continue to be conflicted until you make a decision one way or another. Good luck sweetie!

[Ltl89]

Hey Satinjoy,

What's your life like?  What are you afraid of losing?  And why do you think you will lose it?  I'm not in the best shape right now and realize that it's not easy to go through this, but maybe talking about your feelings and fears may help a bit. 

[Satinjoy]

Thanks girls

I do have a therapist - good one too, 40 years in treating trans - and I will be discussing going to him full transition soon, so he can see me at full throttle.   14 months in therapy and it still gets wild at times.  Nearly a year HRT now.

It still goes moment by moment. I couldn't get the red nail polish off a little while ago and I started really getting worried, I have to go to my construction job.

I am a little different Jessica and by the way I love your posts and the support you have given me - I am more andro than many and can easily move from one presentation to the other comfortably.  It is the uncertainty of whether that can be sustainable that is so difficult for me to deal with.  The shrink thinks it is sustainable, as well as living stealth.  But he said it could also be quite uncomfortable no matter what I do with this.

FTE for me is out of the question dear, I would lose too much.  And I fully support you and your choices to go all the way, I think it was clearly the right thing for you to do.

I already feel a bit better... what do I tell them at work, that I melted down and had to let my hair down for a bit and run to Susan's to put my head back together?

There is this still small voice in the back of my head right now saying it'll be ok, that it really is sustainalble to be socially genderfluid and physically preop transwoman.  Oh God I hope its true.

Deep down I think we all know who we really are but fear says don't go there.  I know my core identity, but I am afraid to be my core identity, even here sometimes at Susans.

Thank God we can post in here and cry out for help and support.

Erin I really appreciate your comment it hit the mark.  I believe in being a survivor not a victim.

[Satinjoy]

Close knit family happily married working in construction getting older  one kid has OCD and we had the talk about my hormones yesterday and I live a life I never dreamed possible.  The fear is losing all of that.  I have stuff, fast cars, a motorcycle, AA, a professional racekart, am a professional actor semi retired, and am closer to my wife  than imaginable.  The great fear is losing her, being outed in the community and having the full force of their narrow minded judgement slam into her, where that community would certainly see me as shameful and laughable.

I really need to stay stealth here.  But I am sick of stealth I want to present andro, which is very comfortable, and just be happy.

[Ltl89]

Close knit family happily married working in construction getting older  one kid has OCD and we had the talk about my hormones yesterday and I live a life I never dreamed possible.  The fear is losing all of that.  I have stuff, fast cars, a motorcycle, AA, a professional racekart, am a professional actor semi retired, and am closer to my wife  than imaginable.  The great fear is losing her, being outed in the community and having the full force of their narrow minded judgement slam into her, where that community would certainly see me as shameful and laughable.

I really need to stay stealth here.  But I am sick of stealth I want to present andro, which is very comfortable, and just be happy.

I understand the family and wife issue, but the fast cars and other things don't seem to be more important than your happiness.  I mean that seems more valuable than any material goods, in my opinion.  As for the family, how are things going with them.  You've been on hormones for over a year, so I'm sure they are all somewhat aware.  When you told your son yesterday, how did he react and respond?  I know it's rich coming from me, but the world doesn't need to be in absolutes.  One where everything is possible and easy or one where nothing is possible.  There usually is some kind of middle ground and you can find it if you try.  I don't want to guarantee things will go easy and that you won't lose anything, but that doesn't mean you won't gain things in return and that life is over. 

[Satinjoy]

The fast cars and all that are irrelevant, the district champion is a lady.  Just don't unzip my firesuit in a racing wreck... lol

The talk yesterday went shockly well.  The entire close family now knows that I am TS and on hormones.  Daughter, not son, our son is waiting for me in heaven, stillborn.  She (the one I talked with) was the one that could  not accept me crossdressed, and it slipped about why I wasnt taking sublinguals any more, went oral.  Now she knows its estrogen, and that it for me is medically absolutely necessary.  That could be debated I guess but it sure is real to me.

I called out late to work and that was awkward since I was/am having another meltdown.  Couldn't tell them why.  My desire is to tell them that I am struggling, but the darn safety thing keeps coming into play, where I can't admit first that I am trans and second that I have mental problems as a result of trying to cope with the reality of being trans.  Which I am beginning to understand is probably true.

I probably will clam up at work.  I told them I had had a rough morning.  I wish I could tell them that there are going to be times when I need a few minutes to get my head together sometimes, but I cannot.

What a mess.  Out of control.

[helen2010]

Glad that the family talk went so well and that you are moving forward with a great therapist.  Moving towards a more andro presentation sounds like it will work well for you.

Aisla

[Ltl89]

First, don't worry about it.  We all struggle with these things in our own way.  It's okay to be a mess sometimes.  I wouldn't put too much on all at once.  If the family stuff is stressful, don't through the work issues on top of it.  Give it time to heal and die down a bit before taking on the next thing.  I know it's tempting to get everything done all at once, but really it is a process.  Even if it stresses us out to not be where we want to be, things are usually best handled piece by piece. 

How is your daughter and wife now that they know?  How do things seem to be developing there?

[Jessica Merriman]

I am more andro than many and can easily move from one presentation to the other comfortably.  It is the uncertainty of whether that can be sustainable that is so difficult for me to deal with.  The shrink thinks it is sustainable, as well as living stealth.  But he said it could also be quite uncomfortable no matter what I do with this.

SJ please don't take this any other way than me trying to understand your situation. I am just puzzled a little. You have been on HRT for one year and no one knows it? Are you not having any physical effects from it? Also if you can go from one presentation to another comfortably where is the problem causing your issue of being out of control? I really am trying to grasp this, but it sounds kind of contradictory to me. I really do want to understand this. I am blonde so you may have to get the crayons out for me!

[luna nyan]

SJ please don't take this any other way than me trying to understand your situation. I am just puzzled a little. You have been on HRT for one year and no one knows it? Are you not having any physical effects from it?

Jessica, it's easy enough.  People see what they want/expect to see and don't pick up on the subtleties.  I've been on HRT for 2 years and no one knows. (Either that, or they're too polite to say anything to me - perhaps if my moobs turned into C cups then they'd start saying something was up.)  Yes, I'm still continuing to present as male - I don't think I pass as female.  At all.  (Well, not without a huge amount of potatochopping on a photo. =D)

[luna nyan]

SJ,

I have never personally felt that way ever, but your feelings are understandable.
You're in the process of leaving the old, familiar and comfortable, but it involves letting it go, and taking that step into the unfamiliar.
To do so involves risk, and that can be daunting, unless the potential payoff in the new is greater and better than the old situation.

Making a change is really a three step process.  Ending the old, going to a neutral zone (where you're not comfortable either way), and then starting the new.  There will always be second guessing till the new is fully embraced.

gah, I don't think I'm making much sense, I better sleep and fix this post up later. >.<

[Jessica Merriman]

OK I am officially feeling like a freak now. After only two weeks everyone knew there was something up with me. I went from an isolated loner to miss social butterfly. My personality did a 180. After three months I started showing on my exterior. I guess my body REALLY likes "E"!

[Satinjoy]

Mine sure does.  I am at work and as far as I am concerned I am presenting way more andro.  No they can't see the hormone changes other than that I look healthy.  The fear is associated with andro morphing into fully TS in terms of presentation, FTE and all that goes with it, since I know GD is powerful and progressive.  My relationship with the wife and kids is incredibly strong and far better with everything out in the open.

I warned my boss and my HR manager that I may need to be out or work once in a while if I get overwhelmed by what I choose to call my DES disorder publically.  Thinly disguised, but close enough trust me, they know it screwed with my gender assignment and endo and mind.  The HR manager was proud of me for coming to work at all and admired my courage and integrity.  Neet.

I am learning that to repress what I feel, my expression of core, is extremely unwise. I have to flow with it.

Socially andro works for me.  I am not compelled to present fully female.  I feel female inside physically all the time anyway, and the presentation morphs based on who is around and how threatened I feel.  Mentally I feel like neither male nor female.

No one has a clue that I am on hormones.  Part of being an A cup genitically, so far.  Even with underwire it does not read.

Love how I feel on them.  Close family knows (wife and kids) and is supportive (miracle), AA sponsor knows, medical all know, and my Dad knows and is paying for my therapy and hormone (what a gift that is)  (what a neat dad to have).

I was on the edge of or maybe had a nervous breakdown, my mind came back 2 hours into work today.  But its back.

All of the comments here have helped big time and I appreciate it.

I MUST live honest and let the real me out now.  This is way out of hand.  It's not even that big of a presentation change, all I have to do is stop trying to hide my nails.  Which my dysphoria reacts really really negatively to being told to cut to conform to the bullies in this world.

Feeling more at peace now, and scared that I got so close to the edge again.  Not wise to repress is it.

I hate the rejection and scorn that I see from others though.  It's disheartening considering all the folks that I have helped, the lives changed in AA, the wounded souls I have had the pleasure of loving back to life.  They have no idea what it means to be us.

I will have more time to post again tomorrow.  Your posts today may be part of why I was able to keep it together, is sure and heck helped a lot.

I would be so screwed without you....

Yes presenting andro has to be the answer.  Presenting like a normie is futile.

Whatever I am, I am one of us...

Much love and respect to all.  Including me for having the courage to be me, now if I could just believe that....

You are special and you make a difference in this world by being here.  All of you:)

[Ms Grace]

Hi Satinjoy, those fears and frustrations continued for me right up to the point I fully transitioned. Fortunately a lot of the fears I had were not borne out but they were scary at the time.

[Sephirah]

Something I just wanted to say about one part of your last post, hon:

I hate the rejection and scorn that I see from others though.  It's disheartening considering all the folks that I have helped, the lives changed in AA, the wounded souls I have had the pleasure of loving back to life.  They have no idea what it means to be us.

That is on them. Not you. Many people are all kinds of messed up in this world. And, believe it or not, a lot are actually quite envious of people who get on and live their lives. Because it's something they wish they could do for themselves. Rejection and scorn don't always have to be about you. Sometimes it's about the other person. A need to hate something to deflect that emotion from hating themselves that they can't have the same thing. Can't do what they want to do, or be who they want to be. It's always easier to hate something you're envious of, rather than hate yourself for your inadequacies in not being able to achieve the same thing.

That you've helped, healed, and been there for others. THAT is on you. That is part of what makes you you. Never forget that.

*hugs*

[Satinjoy]

Out of control = acting out, freaking out, coming out when it could be self destructive (at an AA meeting last time), being too open about trans with people that will trash you, not being able to stuff the feelings any more, and being scared to death about extended family finding out and shaming me and my wife with it.  They would, too.  Even the andro part, far less the hormones and the very female me behind closed doors when I go that direction.  Yes its confusing.  Its not the total binary thing.  Hence the problem with diagnosing me, I have none that fits as of yet.  Not with a duality within mind and body, with the body totally one way and the mind very adaptable and fluid depending on circumstances.

Interesting manifestation of trans.  Good thing Susans is cool with it, I received nothing but support and love here.

Why the conflict?  55 years of not accepting, thinking anything trans was bad, not wanting to admit the basta...ds were right when they were tormenting me psychologically for years and years and years.  They will have to answer for that, and I must forgive.

I wasn't even allowed to cry.  Now the floodgates are open and I feel so much better.  It was literally beaten out of me.  But I will not be a victim, I refuse, and the gift of being able to cry again that was lost in the 3rd grade, is another great restoration for me.

Love to all here, hope that clarifies why I feel conflicted.  I need to still get that it is ok for me to be trans.  Like as if I had a choice... NOT.

[Satinjoy]

I am getting so much help and love OMG this is incredible.  There go the tears again.

[Michelle69]

Seeing what you, and other girls here, are going through in their life, always leaves me wanting to help. How can I? Your family, love, hell your entire life in the balance.

I feel weak and humbled by your strength and depth of love.

So, I say nothing. I am so sorry.

I have no answers, or advice. What I do have, my heart, is yours.

The Chalk Outline

An outline chalked, empty and cold
Looks down this barrel, my future so near
Kept all their rules, to live as told
Bled through it all, a vision of fear

An outline chalked, now all that I am
Sore echoes of life ring loud in my ear
Who the world saw was only a sham
Forced into a role by all I held dear

An outline chalked, filling with gold
Masks are now gone, life now mine to steer
An outline chalked, through fear become bold
Light now fills me, my vision so clear

An outline chalked
Walks side by side
Those made of flesh
My God, what a ride!

Count and rhythm probably off. Sorry, at work and really rushed it.

Hope you find happiness and balance, you deserve it. We care for you darling and will help all we can.

Mikaela