Long read:
Yesterday my life fell apart. I was working and left Susan's open in my office computer. I don't feel all to worried to leave it open in my office computer because no one ever goes into it and I felt relatively safe with leaving it open.
As a surprise, my wife came to visit me on a busy Friday night and she went straight to my office and got on the computer. I screwed up so bad... I was hoping to wait a little longer before I told her so I could, at the very least, get another year with her. This is all to early... As soon as I walked into the office to grab some paperwork, I saw her sitting there reading away. My heart hit the ground and shattered... I knew that it wouldn't end well so I handed off my manager key to one of my servers and closed the door behind me, this was the start to a long night.
Of course as every well written story would have it, or in my case real life, she asked what all of this meant. I couldn't help it at this point, I went into a full blown panic attack. I tried my hardest to explain that I love her... She will not accept the fact that I can be trans and still love her. I understood that she would never understand but like I wrote earlier, I was hoping to have at least one great year before I told her what was going on inside of me. I told her about my suicidal thoughts and explained its almost like living a duality and it drives me mad. I tried my hardest to explain that I want her around and that I need her but still to no avail, Its either transition and get out or don't and keep her.
She confiscated all my weapons in hopes of keeping me from doing anything stupid but I still feel like this world with me in it is horrible. Yes I've contemplated suicide many time because I'd rather die than her have to explain that she made the wrong marriage choice to her family. That would only hurt her. If I stay with her I will always be trapped on the inside, if I leave her to transition, than I loose the only person that I love dearly. I know suicide cannot be an option in a logical sense, but the dichotomy that has set up makes life impossible... I guess I can only take life day by day.
She started to blame everything for me being this way. She went down a list starting with her as being the blame, my job, not going to church enough, me forsaking God... I only made it clear that I didn't forsake God, If he's there, he cursed me. He put me in the wrong body and put someone I love in a conservative home... I explained nothing done today is the cause for me being trapped. As early back as I could remember learning the difference between genders is when I learned I was in the wrong body. That was at the age of 4.
She began to question our marriage and asked why I even married her, as if I couldn't love her and feel this way. She told me that she should have never married me, that stung so bad... Either way, she now has placed an ultimatum on our marriage... If I transition any further, she is done. Currently she is staying at her parents house so I "can have personal time with God"... I feel so destroyed. I never wanted to hurt her but me transitioning hurts her the most. Sometimes I feel as if I'm a monster... I always ask myself, why is life so cruel?... I'm in a fragile state.
Sorry for the long read. I just need somewhere to vent...
