I have been on a transition level estrogen HRT regimen since January of 2010. Originally prescribed to control a misdiagnosis of gender dyphoria for late onset transsexualism, I was re-diagnosed two years later with trauma based dissociative identities when I began to experience time/memory loss and flashback. But GD or DID, four years after I started hormones my trauma therapist is just now helping me begin to understand why estrogen HRT brought peace to my System.
Unlike the voice deepening and coarse body hair the female alter of a FAAB DID system would have to cope with from testosterone, the physical effects of estrogen were easy for me to accept:
-The body hair I lost just made me look like I did when I was younger.
-I go without a shirt no problem in the summer. The only person who ever noticed my tiny breasts in 4 years was my GP who mentioned my gynecomastia in his notes during my physical.
-Age and chronic back pain had already taken a huge toll on my sex drive and my wife and I were long past the point of having any more kids. The fact that estrogen made me sterile, that I had for the most part lost my ability for erections, was basically transparent.
That said, there was a very important plus for me. The elimination of seminal fluid relieved the lifelong disdain I had had for it as a survivor of childhood molestation. For the first time in my life I could orgasm without feeling dirty.
Just over a year ago I realized hormones had never been important to my female alter's self image as a woman. I hadn't thought about it, but except for a handful of times when she first started fronting for the System 5 years ago, my body is androgynous enough that she never had any problems being accepted as a woman preHRT. The small breasts she developed from hormones turned out to be surprisingly important to her sense of Self. The loss of coarse body hair to align the body with the way she remembered it when she fronted for the System from 7th- 9th grade played a big part in reliving her dysphoria. But given her psychological age of ~13, large breasts and womanly curvaceous body were not only unimportant; they were contra to her image of self.
My clinical psychologist explained that estrogen HRT could not have any psychological effect on me because my roll in my System required me to be a stereotypical male. What it did not explain was why after 48 years testosterone began to have a negative psychological effect on my female alter's role as a stereotypical woman. As my wife told my OBGYN at my 5,000 mile check up this past fall when he asked if I still needed hormones now that I knew I was DID, "We don't know who, but they're helping somebody up there." And so I continued estrogen therapy, terrified of the possibility of the life sucking dyphoria I experienced in 2009 returning if I stopped.
My trauma therapist had speculated that hormones were a concrete recognition of the needs of the part of the Self that is my female alter. That the calming effect was placebo-like. I explained that the effect was gradual over about a month, like turning down the volume. That I saw the investment of over $10,000+ and 300+ hours of laser/electrolysis as a much bigger commitment.
Nearly two years into trauma therapy, the recovered memories, understanding how the way I was raised and having been molested affected and continue to affect me today cause searing pain in my flashbacks and nightmares. With therapy turning to discussions of my sexuality and the relationships I have had with women over the course of my life, the feelings and self-realizations are more horrible than the dysphoria I suffered before I started therapy 5 years ago.
I have never been able to bring myself to have intercourse, have known for as far back as I can remember that I would never have children of my own. My Psychologist explained that my behavior was extremely typical of someone who was traumatized as a child. Abusers raise their children to become abusers, the atrocity getting worse generation after generation until the child, often without even realizing what they are doing, decide the cycle ends with me. And they do not propagate.
There was a several year period when my wife was simple not able to bring herself to engage in any sort of physical intimacy. We have begun to share our love for each other again, without intercourse, just as we have through the 25 + years we have known each other. But since recovering my memory of having been molested, any talking during the act triggers horrible flashbacks for me. I have become completely incapable of erection and the physical sensation when she touches my skin is numb as if I were wearing thick rubber body suit. Our couples Psychologist explained to me and my wife that all of this is typical for someone who has recovered their memory of being molested.
When the pupil is ready the teacher will appear...
For 48 years my alters protected me from the way I was raised by my parents, from the horror of having my innocence stolen from me when I was molested. The dissociative System worked so well the male alter/System host (me), what remains of the original personality, was not even aware of it. I lived a happy life until my System collapsed under its own weight in 2008 from a trauma it was not able to cope with. My female alter became self aware followed by the flashbacks and the need to bring some sense of control to my world again overpowered me. Abstaining, the pill, even my wife's menopause were not sufficient. Preventing propagation was no longer sufficient; I needed to be sterile. In an elegantly distorted way, hormones enabled me to feel safe. Eliminating the horrid seminal fluid for me, changing the body to appear more like its prepubescent form for my female alter, they gave the Self peace from a lifetime of self loathing and guilt.
Perhaps as I progress in trauma therapy the day will come again when my System feels safe, is no longer overpowered by the need to bring some sense of control over my life or preoccupied with ending the cycle of abuse. Until then I will continue to chemically castrate myself with hormones. And punish myself for what never was my fault.
