I have therapy today

[Christinetobe]

I have an appointment this morning with my therapist.  I truly am unsure of what is going to happen.  If I tell him the truth he will probably have me baker acted and I have no idea what would happen with my kids.  I am so unsure of how much to say and where to draw the line.  I just want this all to go away but I know it never will.  I do not want to hurt myself but I don't want to cause them any more disruptions in their lives.  I really believe that they would probably do better without me.  Things would then just be stable for them with no more changes to their daily reality.  I know it would be cowardly but it would also allow them to just go on with their lives and grow into the people that they want to be.  I also know that it would prove to other people in my life how messed up I truly was and I don't want them to have that satisfaction.  I have two separate choices to make. Live or don't and I still can't decide. 

[Ms Grace]

"baker acted"?

I would hope that your therapist would act in your best interests - but what are you wanting to say? What is "all the way"? If you feel you want to hurt yourself you should definitely tell your therapist, maybe they can help give you a circuit breaker so you can feel better. If you want to tell them about your gender identity struggle I can't imagine they would do anything other than help you find a solution. You want your children to have a stable life, they can only do that with you there for them. Please be well, don't do anything rash, speak to the therapist and let us know how it is going for you.

Hugs
Grace

[justpat]

    Christine,call me and talk before you go ,you know I am here for you, and if need be I will be there for you.   Patty

[Christinetobe]

Baker act=involuntary hospitalization if you are deemed a threat to yourself or others

[Kylie]

I am sorry that you are in so much pain   but committing suicide will do nothing to create stability for your children, it will only leave them to ask why.  Why did she do it?  Why didn't she love us enough to stick around?  While I don't agree that suicide is the most selfish act like everyone says, (because people in our lives dont realize that despite the pain, we loved them enough to try and live our entire lives as someone else for them) there is no way it can happen without creating a profound and everlasting effect in the people's lives around that person.  That effect on kids, especially young ones, will be traumatizing and leave a hole filled with questions that will never be answered.  I know I am new, but if you need support or anything to help get you through this, I am here.  *hugs*

[Christinetobe]

Kylie,  thank you and I actually logically know all of those things and have said them to many people.  When I look back at what I wrote this morning it was somewhat disjointed, unclear and illogical.  For many weeks I have been looking for a way to escape but not hurt my kids by making them believe it was an accident and then the life insurance would help to care for and educate them.  Unfortunately I think I figured it out.  Since then it consumes my thoughts quite frequently.  That is what I had to bring up today.  I knew I had to or I May act on it.  My greatest fear was being baker acted and then it would never work.  I felt trapped between admitting where I was and hopefully getting some help and advice or possibly on the other hand being locked up, told I was crazy and then losing my kids.  Well thankfully the first option happened and I actually feel a little bit better. I know I am not cured by any means but at least I can stop just concentrating on that for at least a little while at a time.  I know if I just take life in short increments I can survive it.  At least that is the plan at the moment.

[Ms Grace]

That is great Christine. Small steps is all we can do in these situations - one day at a time. Please be well, and keep us up to dated. Hugs, Grace.

[Christinetobe]

Thank you Grace and by the way you are an inspiration to me.

[Jill F]

I just need to say that if your therapist doesn't know what's eating you, they can't help you heal properly.   Take it from me.  I never told my first therapist what my real deal was, and she ended up being nothing more than a sympathetic ear who told me I should probably just be well medicated.

My second time around I came clean first thing and she told me exactly what I was afraid of hearing- I fit the classic late onset transwoman profile and I needed to at least try estrogen to verify that.  As soon as I fully accepted the truth about myself, I was set free,

She saved my life.  I mean, I didn't even know what happy really was until HRT.  I had never truly experienced happiness before, and it made all of the difference in the world.   I want to live now and smell the flowers along the way.

Hugs,
Jill

[Christinetobe]

He knows Jill.  Although I didn't have the courage to tell him until my third session.  I originally just went for depression and anxiety from other life changes.  My wife of 20 years left and all of a sudden had nobody but the kids.  So really this was only the second session where he was aware and I was really nervous that he would just say yup she is crazy and have me locked up.  I know it is not the most rational of thoughts but I wasn't in the most rational of mind sets.  I did not actually tell him today.  I typed it all out and handed it to him to read so that I couldn't chicken out or only say half of what was needed.  I guess it went ok because I am not locked up and feel a little better.  At least I am a couple feet from the edge not staring over it.  Small steps I guess.

[Ltl89]

Christine, hang in there.  You are much better alive than not when it comes to your children.  I would rather my parents alive and happy rather than receive their insurance money which I think my father took me off of anyway.  Kids want to see their parents alive and well just like most parents want to see that for their children.  Please as bad as it gets, realize that your children are much better off with you alive than not.  I'm glad the session went well and you were able to get some of it out.  Like you said, small steps.  They all count in the end.  Good luck and keep us posted.

[Kylie]

We have all unfortunately thought like that at times.  I am so glad you are doing a little better!  The offer always stands.