I have been stuck on figuring out who I am for a long while, help?

[mehscape]

So ya I don't know how to actually know who I am, if I am trans or not.  Its been a year of questioning and soul searching and I still feel conflicted.  Therapists haven't been very helpful for these big questions.  I can't seem to let go but I also can't seem to say in my head "yes this is who you are" confidently.  I just turned 21.  I don't really even know if I experience dysphoria or not.  I am sure most therapists would not let me transition if they follow the standard narrative of feeligs which I don't find because I have ran into many successfully transitioned people whose feelings did not line up.  But its all meaningless when it comes to the question of whether this is right for me.  I could do it.  I would probaby pass on just hrt and I would get some ffs to fix a few things I don't like about my face.  My body is ok.  I would probably be able to be stealth, T didn't affect me too badly.  I am planning on starting hormones soon in like a month because I just don't really care anymore about figuring it out because it really seems impossible and I would rather not wait until I am older and look worse.  My family is alright with it, they just want me to be happy.  I have a supportive bf.  Mostly I just wish I was cis one way or the other.  I would really rather have been a normal guy because my body is like perfect and I am very attractive but apparently my brain doesn't want to let that happen.  I could talk a lot but I will wait for some responses first.

[Ms Grace]

Hey mehscape (great name, btw)

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

As many will tell you, only you will be able to find the answer for yourself. It's not a cop out, just the way it is. Judging by the way you are talking you seem to be questioning your gender but please feel sure about where you want to go before you start taking hormones, those things can really change your body and if it's not what you want then that only leads to more difficulty.

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Cheers

Grace

[Bombadil]

Welcome. I hope you can sort things out. For some of us, it's taken a long time, like decades to figure all this out and become comfortable with our choices. It's hard to know what to say at this point. Maybe you can tell you more about what has lead you to consider the idea you are trans?

[mehscape]

I suppose i am "questioning" my gender but to be honest there's nothing left to question.  I have thought all the thoughts you could think about regarding this stuff.

I just like the idea of being a girl more.  In relationships especially.  I am jealous of girls.  Want to be pretty.  Started not liking the masculinityin my body.

[Ms Grace]

Judging by the volumes written here and elsewhere on the internet I think you'd be surprised at just how much there is to think on the subject!

[Veronica M]

I suppose i am "questioning" my gender but to be honest there's nothing left to question.  I have thought all the thoughts you could think about regarding this stuff.

I just like the idea of being a girl more.  In relationships especially.  I am jealous of girls.  Want to be pretty.  Started not liking the masculinityin my body.

Sounds to me like you just answered your own question. Most likely if you feel this way now, twenty years from now you will feel the same. I will not advise one way or the other if you should transition, but if you decide to, don't wait 40 plus years to do it like I did. You end up with a lot of excess baggage running around in your head you don't want in there.

Hugs
Veronica

PS: Welcome to Susan's

[Rachel]

Welcome to Susan's,

It sounds like you know what you are doing and have a supportive family and friends, good luck.

It is impossible to figure out. I stopped trying to figure it out. You just need to trust in how you feel and do what makes you feel better.

[Lady Curiosity]

Welcome mehscape. I too am still questioning a lot. I feel that I've thought about all the thoughts there are to think too that's why I recently started therapy I figured it'd be nice to get an outside perspective and get me thinking about things in a different way. Perhaps we can compare what we've both learned in thinking about identity and find an answer between the two of us. ^_^

[mehscape]

Sure.  I should have clarified, i have thought all the thoughts and have still not really come to a conclusion. 

[Lady Curiosity]

You mentioned you're not sure if you experience dysphoria or not. Could you talk about some of the things you do experience other than liking the idea of being a girl more in relationships especially?

[Jessica Merriman]

Sure.  I should have clarified, i have thought all the thoughts and have still not really come to a conclusion.

A good Therapist with gender experience can help a lot with this. I can only say if you are this confused now it will only grow in intensity year after year. Let someone help you decide what would be the best for you. An outside unbiased opinion can work wonders in the decision process.

[mehscape]

A good Therapist with gender experience can help a lot with this. I can only say if you are this confused now it will only grow in intensity year after year. Let someone help you decide what would be the best for you. An outside unbiased opinion can work wonders in the decision process.

I have been to a few.  Too be honest it wasn't very helpful at all.  They all had kind of different opinions and perspectives which left me with the impression that therapists really don'tknow you that well even safter hours of talking.

[girlinguyjeans]

Welcome mehscape, and I'm sorry you're having these questions pop up. It's a really rough time trying to answer them all (I was there too), and it probably feels like there aren't many places to turn. I'm not trying to give you a cheap answer, but I would strongly recommend researching everything you can about transexuality, crossdressing, identifying as androgynous, and anything that doesn't fit into the cisgender male/female gender rules and regulations. I studied that stuff for about a year on end, just hoping I could find an answer to who I am. Eventually I discovered I was a transsexual woman, and the road to being who I am still gets tough sometimes but it's good to know where you're going, but who decides where your feet will take you? You. You and nobody else. It'll take a lot of soul searching and some sleepless nights, and I know that isn't thee easiest answer, but when you finally discover yourself it will have been more than worth it.
-Jennifer

[mehscape]

Welcome mehscape, and I'm sorry you're having these questions pop up. It's a really rough time trying to answer them all (I was there too), and it probably feels like there aren't many places to turn. I'm not trying to give you a cheap answer, but I would strongly recommend researching everything you can about transexuality, crossdressing, identifying as androgynous, and anything that doesn't fit into the cisgender male/female gender rules and regulations. I studied that stuff for about a year on end, just hoping I could find an answer to who I am. Eventually I discovered I was a transsexual woman, and the road to being who I am still gets tough sometimes but it's good to know where you're going, but who decides where your feet will take you? You. You and nobody else. It'll take a lot of soul searching and some sleepless nights, and I know that isn't thee easiest answer, but when you finally discover yourself it will have been more than worth it.
-Jennifer

I mean.  Honestly I feel like I know everything there is to know about trans stuff from the outside looking in.  I have had some experience with hrt too.

[girlinguyjeans]

Oh okay, sorry if you mentioned that in an earlier post I must've just derped out about it (its 1:15 in the morning where I am so, so I'm pretty tired). But still, nobody can tell you who you are other than yourself. But if need help with anything just feel free to ask, and everyone on this website is super nice so you won't have any problems getting answers or anything. Once you do 15 posts you can private message people, so if you ever need to talk you can feel free to pm me and I'll try and help however I can

[Asche]

I just like the idea of being a girl more.  In relationships especially.  I am jealous of girls.  Want to be pretty.  Started not liking the masculinity in my body.

I can relate to most of this.

I suspect that I've always wished I were a girl.  I try not to think about it too much because, well, why dwell on what you can't have?  I'm not wild about having a male body, but I try not to dwell on that either, because what's the alternative?  I wear (and make) clothes that make me feel pretty, at least as pretty as someone with a very male (and aging) body can pretend he can look, and try to be satisfied with that.

I used to be terrified by the idea of becoming a girl; I now wonder if what I was really afraid of was other people (or me!) finding out that I wanted it, which, back in the Ante-Bellum South where & when I grew up, would have been even worse than being homosexual.  I was called "queer" and the harrassment I got for being thought "queer" and for being insufficiently masculine were bad enough.

I'm not sure what you mean by "in relationships."  I learned very early to see men (and boys) as threats, especially masculine ones, so I can't really conceive of an intimate relationship with a man.  It would be like getting intimate with a scorpion.

Anyway, I wish for you that you can find a way to feel happy with who and what you are, whether that involves transition of some kind or not.  Not feeling happy with yourself sucks.

[Asche]

I have been to a few [therapists].  Too be honest it wasn't very helpful at all.  They all had kind of different opinions and perspectives which left me with the impression that therapists really don'tknow you that well even safter hours of talking.

There are a lot of bad therapists out there.  And many of even the good ones may not be right for you.  Unfortunately, finding the right therapist is sort of like the saying about having to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.  But it really does make a huge difference once you find one.  Just having someone you can let your hair down with is already a help.

Also, most therapists don't have expertise or experience with gender issues (even many who advertise that they do.)  I'm seeing a therapist I like, but I'm also in the process of finding a gender therapist.  (And not looking forward to having to go through several until I can find one that I can work with.)

[helen2010]

Mehscape

Every time I have felt that I fully understood 'trans stuff' I found that I didn't and I don't.  Only by starting the journey of self expression and self discovery will you find your path and answer.  Finding a good therapist is also a challenge, they will challenge, confront and support you but you need to find your own answers.  You are well on your way and I wish you the best of luck.

There is plenty of support available on Susans.  Each of us has a different narrative and have made different choices.  Your journey may involve a full, fast and complete transition but I encourage you to be open to the possibility that the journey will itself provide the richest return.  You may evolve into a binary transition or you may not.  Hormones are wonderful and can be truly transformational.  A good counsellor, a skilled endo and strong support will help you find, express and embrace yourself.

Safe travels

Aisla