Just wondering

[KittyKat]

I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I know I'm doing what is right for me by transitioning even as my life falls apart around me. Right now I can't even think of myself as a women, but I know that I want to and that is my goal. I just wonder when all the pieces will finally fall into place and where I'll be at that time? I hope that by moving forward blindly like I am and trusting my instincts I can end up in a place that is less painful. All I have to do is survive the journey I guess. Some how I've managed to do this without getting in trouble, I started while being in the army even with the knowledge I could get in legal trouble and even discharged. By some miracle my unit commander found out about my taking hormones after I went to the hospital in February and I haven't gotten in trouble. Maybe I will be able to ride it out until the paper work for my pysch discharge is finalized? When I started my wife said she would be with me as a friend and now we're living separate after she watched me overdose and never called 911. I can't be around her long before it starts to mess with my head which sucks even more because it means seeing my son even less right now. I just wish I could fast forward a year or two and live in that time. Does anyone else feel like this, just stumbling through this with no real plans and hoping it'll all work out?

[JamesG]

This is tooo big of a life decision (not only yours but also your wife and son) to just stumble along with no plan and hope things fall into place.  You really need to know in your heart that this is right for you because it takes commitment otherwise you will suffer all of the consequences (destruction of your previous male life) without any of the benefits (a new one as a different gendered person).

Doubts and depression are common, hell even du rigurs for transition, especially early. But you need to focus on this as a goal to give you motivation and a plan.  You need a plan.

Good luck!

[Ms Grace]

Unfortunately the journey is as important as the destination. Sorry to throw a cliche at you but the reality is that transition isn't easy, but it sure is a learning experience (whether we like the lessons involved or not). If you have a few projected goal posts along the way, something to focus on and work towards you will hopefully find it doesn't quite feel like you are stumbling around in the dark. Yes, the process might seem like one step forward two back at times but having realistic outcomes in mind will focus you and feel more rewarding when you accomplish them.

[KittyKat]

I should clarify some of the things that are clear to me. What I'm able to do to transition is just about the only thing that gives me any hope right now, with out it my drive to go on would be non existent. While I was in the hospital I got to live full time and it really helped me feel better and I think it was part of what helped me get better, the longer I'm out the more I'm having doubts about having been truly ready, but I'm afraid to go back. I only have to make it until my discharge is complete until I can live free of regulations imposed by the military and hopefully I can be happier then. I guess I'm not really going blind I do have goals. Right now its follow HRT and hair removal until med discharge is over. Then live full time and go to school for women's studies. While in school I'm going to spend summer break for surgery using my pension money since GI bill will pay for school and housing. After getting degree I want to teach and get involved in transgender rights for military members some how. I have a rough plan, but I don't really have the in between and the large gaps of times planned and that's where I'm blind. Sure I listed things I want to do but that doesn't guide me on how I'm surviving next Thursday for example and I'm at a point where I can make a bad decision any day and any hour. I'm struggling with borderline personality disorder on top of everything else right now and I make really bad impulse decisions sometimes, I can make great choices when I take time to think, I don't always think.

[JamesG]

You're getting a hon. or general discharge? Are you being medically boarded out?  Disability?

[KittyKat]

I am being medically boarded out for major depression and anxiety and border line personality disorder which they have been trying to treat for over a year now and I have been hospitalized in both in patient and out patient programs twice now. It will result in an early retirement and been an honorable discharge. As far as work goes I've gone from treating patients all day as a medic in the hospital, a job I love, to sitting around doing next to nothing and occasionally taking care of paperwork for the head of the enlisted soldiers at the hospital.

[JamesG]

Ok thats...cool, as opposed to the alternative.  Were you diagnosed with GID as well?

My advice still stands, make really sure you want to do this, and then go after it with a plan and even military discipline (ironic) , that will override your impulsive tendencies.

[KittyKat]

Yes, they have GID listed under my conditions for my medically discharge. I know this is what I want to do, but I can't do it fully at this time which is hard for me to deal with. It kills me every time I have to cut my hair or when I have to suppress myself at work. I know that my commander is aware of me taking medications outside of the military healthcare system but he never elaborated on it or addressed me as being transgendered, so I don't know where I stand and it makes me anxious to be around him and my 1SG. Honeslty just being at work in general right now is nerver wrecking for me most days and I try to avoid it when I can.