Being treated differently by male friends...

[BunnyBee]

Ah yes mansplaining... I remember when my uncle was once "mansplaining" something to my mum and after awhile mum said something like this : "Girls do not dress for boys. They dress for themselves and, of course, each other. If girls dressed for boys they'd just walk around naked at all times." And I'm standing there like, WOW I think my mum just said something cool for once.

Lol

[Ltl89]

Thinking back what hit me was the discomfort they felt around me at first. They really didn't know how to act or they were looking at my reactions and trying to act accordingly. It was weird for a while and it has been easing a bit, but it is still there. I do notice I am not included as much or any when it comes to decisions about things. It is almost like I have dumbed down or something especially like Emily said with technical things and such. I was having a problem with a lawn mower last Saturday and it was like "Go over there while we guys fix it". I didn't know whether to be offended or giggle myself silly knowing I had reached my goal of feminization and acceptance.

I can't believe a friend essentially told you to go in your corner.   That's disgusting.  Even if you didn't know how to fix something, there is a way to talk to someone.

One of my guy friends enjoys explaining technical things in depth with people and loves to go into detail about most things; however, he does this with everyone, including men.  I think he just enjoys conversing about certain subjects and most of the time people don't or can't follow him so it's become habit.  It can come across as a little condescending at times without him realizing it (though not his intention), but I actually appreciate him going into detail about things that I'm not as informed about (like computers which is his field).  Besides, he's used to having people come to him for his help, so he is used to being the teacher even when it's not needed.

To be honest, I'm like this myself when it comes to politics, social issues, history and/or philosophy.   Maybe it's the former teacher's assistant in me that comes out, but I have fun talking about these things in depth with people and explaining it when they don't know know what I'm talking about.  It's never intended to talk down to someone rather than to encourage a fun conversation on something interesting and to teach or share viewpoints.  I feel we all have something we can teach each other and conversation is one of those methods.  This is true for both men and women.  I'll never talk over someone and will equally hear what they say and explain to me, so I don't know if that's mansplaining or not.   

[Joanna Dark]

I'm kinda surprised that everyone here keeps the same circle of friends while/after transitioning. IDK, to me it would feel awkward. I don't hang out with anyone (and barely communicate with them too) since transitioning. I mean how can you really, truly start a new life while still tied to the past in such a way. With family, it's different. But wouldn't you want to be with people who have only knew you as female and treat you as such. I'm sure you get treated differently, but like a trans woman. I mean I guess if you want to be a trans woman thats great. I don't. I just think the goal of transitioning, imo, should be to integrate into society fully as a woman. I imagine that would be hard if you don't change anything about your life. I wouldn't even transition if that's how it was going to be.

[JulieBlair]

I'm kinda surprised that everyone here keeps the same circle of friends while/after transitioning. IDK, to me it would feel awkward. I don't hang out with anyone (and barely communicate with them too) since transitioning. I mean how can you really, truly start a new life while still tied to the past in such a way. With family, it's different. But wouldn't you want to be with people who have only knew you as female and treat you as such. I'm sure you get treated differently, but like a trans woman. I mean I guess if you want to be a trans woman thats great. I don't. I just think the goal of transitioning, imo, should be to integrate into society fully as a woman. I imagine that would be hard if you don't change anything about your life. I wouldn't even transition if that's how it was going to be.

In my case I guess, it less about creating a new life, and more about creating an authentic one.  What has changed for me isn't the scenery, it is how I envision the world.  I'm still in the same job, live in the same house, love many of the same people.  That I am Julie now, just isn't and wasn't a deal breaker for almost everyone who knows me well.  That my circle has grown dramatically is less about my transition, and more about the joy I now find in my life.  My friends, both men and women respond to that, and almost universally celebrate who I am.  I'm lucky, but the luck comes with openness and a fair amount of risk.  I can and have been hurt, but the pain fades, and the growth remains.

Julie

[Ltl89]

I'm kinda surprised that everyone here keeps the same circle of friends while/after transitioning. IDK, to me it would feel awkward. I don't hang out with anyone (and barely communicate with them too) since transitioning. I mean how can you really, truly start a new life while still tied to the past in such a way. With family, it's different. But wouldn't you want to be with people who have only knew you as female and treat you as such. I'm sure you get treated differently, but like a trans woman. I mean I guess if you want to be a trans woman thats great. I don't. I just think the goal of transitioning, imo, should be to integrate into society fully as a woman. I imagine that would be hard if you don't change anything about your life. I wouldn't even transition if that's how it was going to be.

I sort of understand what you mean.  In many ways, I wish to lead a completely new life and start anew.  And because I don't have much of a social life and have left most people in my past, that will be the case.  However, there are some people that are too important.  People that are like family to me.  The guy that's married is like a big brother who I love to death.  WE lead different lives and don't see each other all the time, but he is such an important person to me for everything he has done in my life.  He's always seen me as a woman and even gendered me correctly for years before my transition.  He is too special a person to let go.  Other people is what gives the world meaning.  I'm not going to adandon those I love as people matter and part of what makes this world beautful and helps enrich my life in a special way. 

Having said that, I understand your view.  I once thought of starting somewhere else, perhaps even another country, and leading a new identity/life.  I may even do just that as I'm unsure where my future will take me.  But I'm not going to ever forget the friends I made along the way.  I'll carry them in my heart always. 

[Tori]

I have gone out in drab a few times, just to feel safe, mainly if I knew I would be alone in a bad part of town. Sometimes due to time constraints.

I am very much out to my friends and family though.

The dynamic has changed/is changing between men in general and also women in general.

I really think transition to female can make even the most tolerant male feel like I am attacking their masculinity. I think it has to to with the unspoken fact that I have no apparent care for my family jewles. If I am wearing some tight capris, with a good tuck, and using the women's room, they just kinda' get the point driven home.

One thing I do not stand for is being talked down to, or being ignored. I tend to address this behavior early and with good humor whenever possible.

Men and women are treated differently, but I will be damned if my brain gets thrown out with the bath water.

I like being treated like a woman. I don't mind being treated as a trans woman. Treat me as a dumb woman? Watch out.

I do my best to blog frequently, and explain things to my friends on Facebook as clearly as I can. I find it is sometimes better to do the mansplaining myself.

[mandonlym]

I'm kinda surprised that everyone here keeps the same circle of friends while/after transitioning.

I would never abandon my friends. Part of being friends is being there regardless. And you know what's weird? They forget. I asked one of my closest male friends recently, who I even dated briefly when I was pre-op (and also briefly post-op, but that's another story), what he thought of my transition and he said, "You know, until you reminded me, I honestly forgot you were trans. I haven't thought about if for years." So just like your memories of yourself in your assigned gender fade especially because it never felt like yours to begin with, their perception of you in your assigned gender also fades over time.

[Ducks]

JulieBlair you are awesome!  I find myself agreeing with almost everything you say

[BunnyBee]

I'm kinda surprised that everyone here keeps the same circle of friends while/after transitioning.

Idk, to me friends are friends.  I can't imagine tellingg a friend who wants to be supportive of me to get lost.  I have trans friends that have also done that slash and burn thing, and I definitely don't get it, but it seems to be what they needed.

[BunnyBee]

I had mostly female friends so maybe that's part of it, because I have felt like I have become a lot closer to the ones that were supportive, which not everybody has been.  That is why I just feel like every supportive person is a gift, and I am very thankful for them, and honestly their support has made a huge difference in my life and outlook.

[FrancisAnn]

For sure. I've had plenty of male friends that went away or were very rude when I told them of my life plans. That's OK. Maybe tell your male friends to please treat you nicer if they want to continue to be friends with you. Also maybe tell them you are proud of your decision & have no regrets at all. Good luck GF.

[Ducks]

I flipped a switch the day my grandfather didn't recognize us anymore.  I left town and started RLE the minute I got in the car.  I didn't keep any friends from my past life except the woman roommate I lived with when I left home.  It was something she wanted to do for me and it made for a safe harbor.

[Rachel]

To those I have told I lost my "halo". I am definitely viewed differently in conversation and comment. I have though about this and it feels like I am at a lower social position.

RE managing without power: I find using reason and benefit to influence after or before a meeting and not directly confronting in a meeting is a better method and always use it with a supervisor or superior.

[Jenna Marie]

Yep. Not patronizing or sexist, thank goodness, just... less of the "we'll hang around and grunt at each other" sort of communication, more talking, more openness, and somehow gentler or kinder or something. Plus I catch them staring at my chest.

I wouldn't want to abandon friends I've loved for years, who were there for me when I needed it. Besides, as others have said, they forget. I've had friends suggest I know what it's like to get a period, or ask if I ever considered getting pregnant! And it's only been ~4 years. In a few more years, they'll forget entirely. I don't mind being "tied to the past" when it involves keeping the life history and loved ones that I had before, I guess!

[MikaylaGC]

The odd thing for me was last night, the same guy I was watching a Football game together with him....well long story short I ended up sitting on his lap making out with him. I'm like 'wut dahell'(in my head) coz I mean a few hours before he was doing the  'mansplaining' thing, then here we are making out.......We've been friends for a long long time, and my transitioning as clearly thrown a new dynamic into our relationship, gotta admit though I'd had a few wines, and I dunno how much he'd drunk. Still felt great to be treated like a flirty girl while sitting on his lap. Yay for HRT

[Ms Grace]

I've mentioned this elsewhere, but a friend who I've been to see countless movies with over the years insisted on walking me to the train station the last time we saw a movie (my first time out with him in girl mode). Previously we had just parted way at his tram stop and I'd walk to the station. Not sure if he was being protective of me as a trans person or as a woman, either way it was sweet.

[Alainaluvsu]

The only guys I keep in touch with that knew me before transitioning are my brothers. I moved 300 miles away for a reason...

But now I socialize with them much better. Not that we didn't get along before, but it's nice not to be expected to hang around with "the boys", because that's when I felt most awkward. Now when the guys go smoke or whatever, I don't go with them unless the girls do too. I can be myself instead of feeling inferior because I don't know about cars or Pantera or UFC or whatever stuff I just do not follow at all.

[@Diana]

one my close male friend (have known each other for 20 years, he's straight, married with 2 kids) tried to look into my pants, asked me to show him my vagina LMAO

[noleen111]

When i started transitioning i moved away and started a new life... so i have no male friends that know I was born a man... Only my female roommate knows i was born a man. I have one male friend, and rest of my male acquaintances are girl friends boyfriends. My male friend does treat me differently to his other friends.. like walking me home, opening a door for me.. i think its cute.

The men treat me as of their girlfriends friends... or just as a friend who is girl... they don't talk about sports or men stuff with me.. but that fine with me... as i am with the girls talking girly stuff.

[MikaylaGC]

one my close male friend (have known each other for 20 years, he's straight, married with 2 kids) tried to look into my pants, asked me to show him my vagina LMAO

LOL....that made me giggle-snort