Hey all. So there is a possiblity i may have to do a 2nd detransition which i hope isnt very long. I dont post here on this childboard often so a little recap. I have had a very odd relationship with my gender idenity since i was a kid. I remember as early as 4/5 i had wishings i could be one of the girl. Granted i dont think i was dysporic at all, i had my longings. These feelings of wanting to be on team pink still kinda lingered until about age 9, then from about 9 to age 13 or so i had no longings to be female at all. I was perfectly ok with being cemented in male-ness. I was just your quirky boy. Though, somehow when i turned 13 these feelings of dreaming to be on the girl team all came back to life again. So from 2007-2014 i dealt with all these feelings in anyway shape or form i knew how to without coming out or living much as a woman. With each year came the feelings more stronger. I had at one time (2013 area) planned to do a transition to female in 2019, when i would have been 25 and would have had a career in the military somewhat cemented. However, by the end of that year my dysporia intesifed and after some planning in spring i decided to come out one day. litterly, on May 12 2014 i am unsure what snapped me to do so, but i came out and started my social transition. Since then my life has had some serious ups and downs. The ups include a heighten sense of self, during my full time days i had a higher ambition to get things done and to do well for myself and others , i gained independence for the first time by living on my own and taking care of myself, i loved every second of it, meet some really open minded and great friends for life and most of all, the feeling of being a girl named Ashley!! or should i say, me! the downs? dealing with a lot of predjudice people, other lifes stresses that just happened (like moving 4 times within on year, including in a whole new province and having 5 different jobs in that same time) self doubt and a semi-detranstion back to full man that nearly killed me.
Heres the thing though, i have moved back from Winnipeg to this town called Petawawa. I have no way to get back to Winnipeg and i litterly can not describe how bad the job opprutnity is in this current town. From my last few jobs i could have been on average getting about 15 hours a week. its horrible. I cant live like this so i have decided to join the military. They said, they do accecpt trans people however, when i applied last year while living full time they said i needed to have the surgery first if i want to join in as a female. Since i had break down last year and moved that surgery which should have happened this month is now years away. So i would have to join as a man. After basic is over i can come out as i wish but during basic i have to be a ''man''... and yes, the Military is very binary
The issue is, since i have been getting better with accepting myself as a woman spirit my dysporia can go down whenever i have to go in a ''man'' mode because i know as soon as i get home or with my friends i can be the real me!! i dont doubt myself half as much any more. Still, being in man mode can be very hard and i may have to play this card for 3 months to one year... 3 months without questions man mode every second of the day. How did one here do a so called detransition and coped for nessescity of living? thanks!
