mildly into pre-HRT MtF...feel guilty..

[jussmoi4nao]

Okayy, so let me lead this off by saying, I'm pretty much as androsexual as it gets. I tried to like girls when i was 13 and tring not to be 'gay' and failed (obvs). I mean I try to be open minded..helll a girl at one of my groups tried to get with me and I almost went along with it...but I'm just not into females, at all.

Soo, here's the conundrum...there is a pre HRT MtF who recently started therapy and came out as trans at one of my LGBT groups that I've found myself...mildly attracted to.

For starters, she is like...as pree as it gets. Short hair, male clothes, male name (I use female pronouns out of respect but she doesn't make a big deal). She doees want to transition but she's on the fence, I guess.

Here's the problem. She makes like...a mega cute boy. I mean, that's how she looks, to me. She's just...adoraable . And then she's bi/pan, I guess, and I'm preetty sure she likes me. But I make a policy not to get too involved with people at these groups.

Anyway, I'm just...I'm not sure. I feel guilty. Am I wrong to be attracted to her as something she doesn't feel like she is inside? I mean it's not exactly something I can help. And then here's where the reaally awkward part comes in, she's asked me about my experiences in transition...I guess for advice and I have no clue what to say, because my experience haas been complicated and not 100% great and I'm honest but at the same time I don't want to discourage her...especially, because like, yeahh, it'll seem/feel like it's because she makes a hot guy. But that would NOT be it at all, it's just ingeneral I advise people to think reaally hard before transitioning.

The whole thing just makes me feel weird and uncomfortable with myself...

[Nero]

You can't help who you're attracted to. I've been attracted to pre-transition ftms before. 

[LittleEmily24]

I dont see a problem with being attracted to them, as long as you're not attracted to the part of them that is going to be changing soon, because then you're just setting yourself up for disaster.

I would say just be honest with her. Its true, people have to think hard before they transition and they also have to brace themselves for quite an impact. I usually always encourage people who are sure they want to transition to just do it because the way I see it, transitioning is difficult on your life and mind but its better than living a lie.

But i dont see any issue when you being attracted to them if it has nothing to do with the fact that they are Pre-HRT, because then it wouldn't be a case of feeling guilt over it, just feeling bad over the inevitable future. Besides, I'm sure you arent the first person who has told her that. When I was pre i had everyone ask me if "im sure" for all reasons from "because I make such a cute guy" to "because you'll miss being a guy".

If you honestly feel THAT uncomfortable about it, don't pursue it, but dont stop yourself out of guilt if you have a genuine attraction to this person for who they are, or else (as i said before) you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. The real question is within you ~ are you warning her about transition because you like her as a boy, or because you are being honest? Answer that question and your guilt will have either a rational or irrational motive behind it.

I'm completely lesbian but I have an attraction to FTM's simply because i feel they are more grounded than cismen... not saying all of them are knights in shining armor... but i feel the ratio between nice cismen and nice transmen differs greatly. Less transmen are jerks compared to cismen (in my experience). At the same time im not saying that all cismen are terrible... just most of them -_-

but then again... it could all just be about the city I live in.

[jussmoi4nao]

Yeah, thats kind of the problem...I'm attracted to this person for being male bodied..so that's why I feel guilty. I can't help it I guess, but I dunno. What's that say about my views, I guess?

After she transitions it won't be a problem and I won't be attracted to her anymore. But yeah,I do feel a bit..sad that she's going to change, tbh. Another reason I feel guilty. But she doees make a really adorable guy, lol.


And I mean people have asked me about transition before and I was like...it has it's ups and downs, it changes a lot of things you might not expect, make sure you're posutive blah blah blah. And that's what I'd say in this case. But I feel like the undertones...might complcate it. But then I don't wanna over fompensate by saying it's great and wonderful, cuuz, yeah, I don't feel that way 100%. And she should know the downsides.

And then I'm just avoiding the subject of transition right now, because I don't want to say the wrong thing or have my reasons misinterpreted. Which in itself says something..like the silence.

[Miyuki]

Being attracted to someone going through a transition is one thing, but acting on those feelings in another thing altogether. Before I decided to transition, I had a lot of issues with my own sexuality. I was basically attracted to girls, but I was too uncomfortable with myself and my body to ever consider acting on those feelings. In the few cases where I actually knew girls were attracted to me, I tried to go along with it, but pretty early on things just started to feel weird, and I ended up completely backing out and never talking to the girls again. This was before I even realized I was transgender, so I can't imagine the kind of conflicted feelings someone who is struggling with the decision to transition might be having. If they are attracted to you, but you can't be attracted to them if they transition, you may end up unintentionally influencing their decision to transition in a way that could have seriously negative consequences. I think you should just stay away and give them space until they have decided what it is they really want to do.

[LittleEmily24]

Heres the primitive logic behind it: you are attracted to men, she is still currently presenting as male, therefor you are attracted to her. It doesnt make you a bad person, and even pursing it doesn't make you a bad person... it doesnt make you anything other than human, however the decision itself borders on slightly reckless ~ Like buying a car that is on the verge of breaking down. But it doesn't really say anything about your character. Physical attraction is a primitive response, and our ability to reason and rationalize takes care of the rest. If you truly want to give her advice, just try to imagine her as any other person and say to her what you would say to any other person who is considering transitioning. Before I started HRT, I was discouraged by people telling me "you have to be sure!" or "its a difficult path"... but in the end my desire to be who I am overtook all of that, and if her desire is just as strong then she too will tread forward and take wave of enemies in her path lol.

Sometimes its necessary to unintentionally discourage someone out of speaking the truth, because it brings out the truth in what they seek. I'm so glad no one told me "its a wonderful ride its like being in heaven" because then i would be angry all the time and i would've turned around the moment i felt any negative effects. Luckily people told me the cold hard truth and I knew what to expect.

I guess the best you could do is just ignore your attraction =/ but i don't think you should feel guilty about it, like i mentioned in the beginning ~ its a primitive instinct, you can't help feeling it; but you can help how you deal with it.

[Jill F]

This is no big deal.  You like whoever you like.  I certainly don't make excuses for that anymore.   I'm trans and therefore beyond queer by definition.  I'm thinking if she's not growing horns out of her head or glowing in the dark, then go for it.  The whole trick in life is to be happy.  Screw what society deems appropriate- they weren't on your side anyway.

[sad panda]

Feelings just... are.

[BunnyBee]

There is no reason to feel guilty for liking somebody who's attractive, I mean I understand why wou would feel that way but..   And it seems like mtfs often start out as really cute guys, cuz I guess the universe just thinks she's so funny..

[jussmoi4nao]

But the thing is..it's not just about feelings, I dunno. It's a very confusing time for me right now, so that doesn't help.

It's not like I'm like...super into this person. But I feel conflicted. It's just one of those things, I guess, and it's especially frustrating given the fact I'm working through my own stuff atm.

When I look at this person...I see a very good looking guy...and I guess this is what's really making me think about this...I don't think this person would pass. She's young but her features are a bit...rugged? And her build is a bit large. I mean you never know, but still. Maybe it's cause my view is biased?

So that plays a role in the conflict here. But she said last night she likes the idea of transition but she's still not sure.

I dunno, I guess I should just avoid it. It's just there's only me and 1 other MtF at my group and the other is older, so I feel like people look to me. They're like...always asking if they can give these random people who are questioning their gender my contact info, and it's not something I'm quite up to dealing with right now, with all my questions.

I dunno. I think I should probably just avoid this person and these environments altogether because I think atm I'd do more harm than good.

[Allyda]

Yeah, thats kind of the problem...I'm attracted to this person for being male bodied..so that's why I feel guilty. I can't help it I guess, but I dunno. What's that say about my views, I guess?

After she transitions it won't be a problem and I won't be attracted to her anymore. But yeah,I do feel a bit..sad that she's going to change, tbh. Another reason I feel guilty. But she doees make a really adorable guy, lol.


And I mean people have asked me about transition before and I was like...it has it's ups and downs, it changes a lot of things you might not expect, make sure you're posutive blah blah blah. And that's what I'd say in this case. But I feel like the undertones...might complcate it. But then I don't wanna over fompensate by saying it's great and wonderful, cuuz, yeah, I don't feel that way 100%. And she should know the downsides.

And then I'm just avoiding the subject of transition right now, because I don't want to say the wrong thing or have my reasons misinterpreted. Which in itself says something..like the silence.

Abby what a conundrum. This is just my 2 cents so take it as such. But, if you care about this person when talking about transitioning just be as honest as possible with her. Just make sure any negatives you discuss with her you do so for the right reasons, and don't overexaggerate the downsides. If your open and honest with her you'll feel better about yourself for doing so in the long run. Remember, she's going through the same misery all of us have at being in the wrong body, and probably is eager to get started on hrt. I'm sure you know this, but in reality your attracted to a woman who's just born in the wrong body as we all were, and is miserable. You've a good heart Abby, and from what I've read your not selfish so I'm confident you'll handle the situation the right way with this person's best interest in mind.

Ally

[Veronica M]

Abby,
I don't really see an issue here as long as you go into this with eyes open... Meaning, if it a sexual thing and she does transition, things may change in time. I.E. SRS etc. But if you two hit it off and you like each other go for it. I think just telling her your feelings would be a good start and take it from there.

[Umiko]

oh shoot. i'm going to a LBGT group soon and thinking about it, i'm bound to fall for either a trans women or a regular guy there o.o any advice? lol

[Rachel]

Get to know the person. Be honest, you know what is coming if she transitions. So, if both of you are informed and wish to love each other than that is your business. Do not let norms interfere with love. The relationship may be temporary and you may end not as friends but many relationships are this way. 

[FalseHybridPrincess]

It cant be helped...

just try to remember that she is a girl on the inside , no matter what you like in her...



Ive been in similar situation, where people would like me for what im not , and frankly I didnt appreciate it...
all I wanted though is to be seen as a girl despite my looks...

[Kova V]

Is it admiration? I've found that crushes I've had through out my life were based on some type of admiration of them. The relationship I'm in right now is based on admiration. It's funny, my girlfriend of over 8 years wears the pants and I wear the dresses. Lol

You may be her secret admirer!   

[Umiko]

Is it admiration? I've found that crushes I've had through out my life were based on some type of admiration of them. The relationship I'm in right now is based on admiration. It's funny, my girlfriend of over 8 years wears the pants and I wear the dresses. Lol

You may be her secret admirer!   

hahaha! thats always how it is in all of my relationships xD i'm always the one who wears the dresses 

[MacG]

Awww, you can't help who you're attracted to/crushing on. 
Enjoy the crush. If you don't think it's a good idea to pursue, give it some space to let it cool and come out the other side friends.

[kelly_aus]

You're attracted to her 'male' appearance? Something she isn't?

Walk away..