Abusive Past and a Desire To Please

[devon14]

Hello Everyone,

With all of the improvements that I've been making; depression practically gone, becoming more social, making more friends, suicidal thoughts completely diminished, and dressing as female in public without worry, my mind needed a new worry to hold on to.

Recently I learned that there are just a select few family members that somewhat disapprove of my transition but are staying quiet about it, one because there are a larger number that supports me and two they are afraid to talk to me about it. They instead have the audacity to talk behind my back to my father about their concerns. My father loves and supports me in this but at the same time he really wasn't willing to divulge who was talking about me until I kinda pried the info out of him. I've sense gotten over this and just hope that the people that quietly disapprove will turn around some day.

The main reason for this post is that my father's girl friend also disapproves of my transition. She writes it off as me becoming overly obsessed in a problem that i don't have, because this issue is so rare, how could I happen to possibly have it? She actively tries to be as far removed from my life as possible and yet criticizes every step in life that I make. She has done this from the first time that I met her to now so its not like shes treating me any differently now that I'm openly trans. This person would barrage my late brother and me with constant verbal abuse when I was young. She would get stone dead drunk and would bang on our doors at night to wake us up and then proceed to tell us how awful of people we were and how she wishes that we were dead. She of course remembers nothing of this because she was too drunk during those times that it damaged her memory of such events. Even when she was not drunk, she would constantly try to upset my brother and I in different devious ways. She would never congratulate us for anything and would never apologize to us for her making mistakes. I sometimes wonder if my brothers suicide was influenced by the damage she caused over the years.

She isn't going anywhere, she hasn't for the past 11 years or so. As such, I've always felt this need to please her. I have no idea why or how to stop this feeling. Right now I really have this urge to get her to accept my transition. Shes been a bane to me my whole life but I would like to stop being afraid of her whenever I visit my father. I know that she can be reasoned with. This is permeating my mind so much and I don't know how to stop worrying about this so much. I contacted my dad to schedule a meeting with her and my father to just civilly talk. Am I fighting a lost cause? I just feel so helpless with this right now :\ 

[suzifrommd]

Shes been a bane to me my whole life but I would like to stop being afraid of her whenever I visit my father. I know that she can be reasoned with. This is permeating my mind so much and I don't know how to stop worrying about this so much. I contacted my dad to schedule a meeting with her and my father to just civilly talk. Am I fighting a lost cause? I just feel so helpless with this right now :\ 

I think you'll always be tense around her. Hopefully you can get to the point where you can manage the tension. Some ideas:

* Think about the worst thing she could do to you. Then have a plan for how you'll react and get yourself to a safe place. Write them down, if it helps. This way you'll know you're prepared for whatever comes your way.
* I pray a lot in situations like these. (I'm not sure about God, so I pray to my inner spirit. Works just as well.) Can you pray for the serenity that comes from accepting that, regardless of her opinion of you, you're a valuable, special human being? Can you pray for the strength not to let her conduct color your view of yourself or affect your mood?
* I'd suggest you avoid her presence whenever possible. It's healthy to put distance between you and the toxic people in your life.

Good luck, Athena. I really hope this helps. It's the best I've got.

[Ltl89]

Hello Athena,

As you mentioned in your post, some people can't be reasoned with.  People with the need to abuse others for whatever reason rarely are interested in different perspectives or conversation.  They are looking to control in some way.  Just remember, that you aren't to blame for the abusers actions.  It's about them and not you.  Most of the time the need to please or pacify these people leads a self blaming mentality.  "If only I did..." or "If only I said.."  The idea that it's the victim's fault for the abuse.  Many people internalize these things and it becomes a pattern that's hard to break.  However, reminding yourself of the fact that it's not your fault may allow some of the healing to begin. The idea that you don't need to please everyone and that it's okay to stand up for yourself.  I'm sorry if this isn't helpful, but sometimes just knowing you aren't to blame may allow someone to see themselves and their place differently.  It may allow you to stand up for your own feelings and interests without needing to please or pacify someone else.  Remember, you can't be responsible for someone else's actions, only your own. 

Again, I'm sorry if this isn't helpful, but I really feel you on this and hope things will go well for you.  Good luck and please keep us updated.

[fusstangtroy]

With past history of her verbal abuse .The only thing myself would do is have meeting with both (adults) state in direct and firm tone that past has been wrong and you no longer going to be treated like second class person .You don,t have raise your voice just firm and remind them that a health family does not act this way. Tell them you wish to continue open and loving relationship .no 1 rule to me is take care of yourself first ,no 2 family and loved ones ,friends and such ..To me i see nothing you have done other than being true to yourself.Your father should shield you from harm and that includes close family . Its hard to loose family but you need weigh pluses and minuses of toxic relationship .I hope they see the light  because you sound like super gal .. Look to people who loves you and raises you up .AKA Sara

[Rachel]

You have made significant progress and living your life as yourself, you are so strong. I love how you recognize you have had enough and want to finally end the negative talk from her. You are a very strong woman.

She is abusive to you now and when you were growing up. I commend you on your mature way in dealing with the conflict.  I suspect your dealing with the issue is more important in your breaking the chains of her grip than her accepting or welcoming you.

I hope she listens to reason but from what I read she may refuse to accept you for who you are. I will be sending good thoughts your way.

[devon14]

I have a sad update

I just cut ties with my father. I called him earlier today and asked him if he setup the meeting yet. He replies "I don't think that its wise to setup the meeting right now." I then tell him that the statement he made sounds very cowardice and that I don't appreciate it. He then told me "She does not wish to meet you." I then got really upset and told him that I hate being treated like garbage and that it makes no sense why she dosent just want to meet with me. He then replied, as he always replies to even semi uncomfortable situations "I dont want to talk about this right now! Now is not a good time!" I then tell him "You always say that! Its never a good time!" He then replies "I just need to figure something else out." which is his usual cop out reply. After I hung up, something in my mind clicked. Its not just my fathers girl friend that upsets me, its my father himself who upsets me. He and she are just a perfect crap storm. I then thought about this for a while and thought "I need to just cut my ties, this isnt healthy for me." Below are back and forth texts i had with him after our talk over the phone:

Me: I'm done visiting

Father: What does that mean?

Me: It means that im going to start becoming more distant from now on.

Me: I love you but this part of my family has been toxic and I haven't truly realized just how bat it is for my health till now.

Me: I'm no longer depressed or suicidal and I don't need to listen to my childhood abuser telling me that I'm making a   mistake with my life.

Me: I love life now and have become quite optimistic and have been able to make new bonds with distant relatives and new friends whom give me encouragement and love who I am.

Father: I am happy about that.

Me: I wish I could make this work but I realize now that its detrimental to my health to even try. I hope you still love me and understand my decision.

Father: I still love you very much. That doesn't change.

A part of me thinks that I'm doing the right thing and another part of me feels like I've made a huge mistake. Before transition, I was a recluse that mainly only communicated with my father but now I have so much more people to communicate when I need someone. I don't think that I've built my social life to where I'm comfortable with it but it is a heck of a lot better than before i started transition. For some reason I sense my father crying even though we didnt excnange words over the phone and just over text. A part of me inside is crying too

[Ltl89]

Athena,

I'm very sorry to hear this.  If this is what you feel is for the best, then go forward with it.  Just do what you feel is for the best for you. In any case, it sort of saddens me to read all of this but I understand it and hope you will come out of this happier. 

I do want to apologize, though, for the definitive tone of my first post. This is sort of a sensitive topic to me so I'm very careful of the dynamics of the relationship between the abuser and victim.  When I said some people can't be appeased or reasoned with, I didn't mean to imply that necessarily would mean your family.  Standing up for ourselves is necessary in abuse situations, but most relationships require a sense of compromise and mutual understanding.  There are balances that are needed in each relationship and only you know what they are to you.  I just wanted to throw in that distinction and clarify a comment that was heavily colored by emotions. 

Just one other thing to note as an aside that may provide hope.  Families do take a while to adjust to these things.  So please do keep in mind that there is usually an adjustment period in most cases for the parents of transgender children.  So please remember that may be going on and could be independent from everything else.  However, you know the family dynamics better than any of us and can only know what's going on and what is for the best.

With all that in mind, if you found that this relationship had been abusive to you and that you'd be better off without it, then you've got to do what's best for you.  It's your call to end a relationship that's toxic for you.  I'm sorry to see it's gone that way cause I can see it upsets you, but you have to do what you feel is best. I wish you luck and hope all works out well.

[devon14]

Athena,

I'm very sorry to hear this.  If this is what you feel is for the best, then go forward with it.  Just do what you feel is for the best for you. In any case, it sort of saddens me to read all of this but I understand it and hope you will come out of this happier. 

I do want to apologize, though, for the definitive tone of my first post. This is sort of a sensitive topic to me so I'm very careful of the dynamics of the relationship between the abuser and victim.  When I said some people can't be appeased or reasoned with, I didn't mean to imply that necessarily would mean your family.  Standing up for ourselves is necessary in abuse situations, but most relationships require a sense of compromise and mutual understanding.  There are balances that are needed in each relationship and only you know what they are to you.  I just wanted to throw in that distinction and clarify a comment that was heavily colored by emotions. 

Just one other thing to note as an aside that may provide hope.  Families do take a while to adjust to these things.  So please do keep in mind that there is usually an adjustment period in most cases for the parents of transgender children.  So please remember that may be going on and could be independent from everything else.  However, you know the family dynamics better than any of us and can only know what's going on and what is for the best.

With all that in mind, if you found that this relationship had been abusive to you and that you'd be better off without it, then you've got to do what's best for you.  It's your call to end a relationship that's toxic for you.  I'm sorry to see it's gone that way cause I can see it upsets you, but you have to do what you feel is best. I wish you luck and hope all works out well.

Thank you for your words of support. This has been a long time coming, My father has always been very depressive and seems to just let his girlfriend walk all over him sometimes. Talking about this on here has really helped me truly understand just how bad for my health it is to be around my father all the time and just how much strain my mind is put threw whenever I interact with my dad's girlfriend. I truly think that I've made the right decision, its depressing but I think this separation will help me heal and feel less shackled by this unhealthy relationship.

[naomi599]

Thank you for your words of support. This has been a long time coming, My father has always been very depressive and seems to just let his girlfriend walk all over him sometimes. Talking about this on here has really helped me truly understand just how bad for my health it is to be around my father all the time and just how much strain my mind is put threw whenever I interact with my dad's girlfriend. I truly think that I've made the right decision, its depressing but I think this separation will help me heal and feel less shackled by this unhealthy relationship.

Putting distance between you and the people that hurt you is a good thing. In time, people and thoughts evolve and hopefully they will become more openly accepting of you. In order for us to strive, we need to cut off the people that leach from us. Your father doesn't seem like to bad of a guy it just seems like he's trapped by his girl friend. I'm getting the feeling that he knows how bad she has been to you and at the same time doesn't want to loose her. Perhaps your father is in a rough position because he's ready to accept you but if he pushes his girl friend to accept you, she might leave him. You'd be surprised how the fear of the unknown can hold people down. In the end, time and some distance is a good thing in situations like this. Your doing the right thing dear, things will get better.

[Rachel]

Athena, I am sorry it came to cutting out that part of the family. Time and distance can help heal the wounds. Some day I am sure your dad and you will go out to lunch without the girlfriend.

[HoneyStrums]

Athena, I am sorry it came to cutting out that part of the family. Time and distance can help heal the wounds. Some day I am sure your dad and you will go out to lunch without the girlfriend.

Yes. defo.