"You(r fake front of a boy) look so happy!"

[lavini557]

I'm kind of fed up with reality. It seems as though almost anything I stare at, whether that be the mirror, down to the floor, or at some random person on the street, makes me hate myself and my life. The only real escape I have is through the computer, which seems to work (despite the wrist pains and my eyes hurting now and then, which I don't mind because I hate myself and my life that much to not really give a crap about that kind of thing). I'm not more happy - I'm just less sad. I hate being off the computer because it just makes me feel absolutely terrible. I hate the fact that I have to pretend I'm a normal boy in society, too. Like, why can't I be who I actually am? Why won't society or my parents let me be who I am and tell me to continue this stupid act? The only reason I cling onto life is because there might be a possible chance that my life will be better after I transition. Yes, I want to transition, but will I feel as though it was worth all the wait? Will the joys after transition outweigh the pains of insanity I feel now? I don't know. Nevertheless, I cling on for some reason. Maybe it's human nature. I don't know.

The ironic thing, though, is that everyone thinks I'm so happy. So very happy.

My parents thinks my "pain" is just created from me being "so very spoiled" because they give me food and a roof over my head. They think my "pain" is nothing compared to kids in Africa, who are starving and are vulnerable to diseases. Since I have food, shelter, access to medical help, an access to education, and technology, my parents have "spoiled" me, buying me "whatever I want". Despite that, they see gender dysphoria as bullsh**. My pediatrician said it was bullsh**, too (yet he still "transgender/gender dysphoria" on the yearly questionnaire he gives me in the section where I can circle/write down whether I have questions about anything listed there or not listed there). A Christian counselor, who counseled my youth pastor, said it was bullsh**, too. Same goes with my pastor. For some reason, my parents are surprised that these people agree with them, yet they think that the psychiatrist we went to was an absolute quack just because at the first appointment, she said that she thinks I do have gender dysphoria and could recommend a endocrinologist she knew (She MUST be some sort of scammer, right? I mean, of course this is a sign of someone wanting to leech as much money as possible from her patients!). "We give you everything you could want, so you should be happy," they say.

People outside my family also see me as happy. They say I smile so much, which means I'm happy, which makes them happy. I only smile if someone joked about something (out of habit, I think - I just smile and pretend that I appreciated the humor when I really was just hating myself and reality constantly) or if I actually feel happy...which is pretty much never. Does this mean people judge my happiness based on how often I get told a joke? Is my "happiness" measured in jokes? This has become so ridiculous that people think whenever I look "not happy", I'm "tired" or just a little "bummed out". Like, WHY? My acting skills are horrible! They are absolutely horrible...yet people fall for it. I don't get it. At all.

Sigh...I'm not sure how much longer I can linger onto life like this. The only thing I think about is how much I hate myself and reality. Like, I don't want to be in reality. Ever. I just go on the computer to play something online, or I might go and daydream about life as a cisgender woman. Just...anything to get out of the crap that is called my life.

I'm...just so...fed up...with...everything.

[mrs izzy]

Need to work close with your therapist on these feelings.

We all have gone through the pain, sadness, darkness, hopelessness but have gotten past all of that.

Its is steps, as you progress through steps these things will fall to the side.

So you need the face to face talk with your therapist. Let your emotions flow and then start working on each step.

[Valleyrie]

Hey lavini, sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm going through some rough stuff myself at the moment and sometimes wish I just disappeared... You're not spoilt at all and that use of comparing people's pain is just silly. That's basically dismissing how you feel and saying "you don't know what pain is" when really you do. Two people could be experiencing the exact same things but could be affected differently and on different levels. Your pain is legit and deserves the attention it needs.

Gender dysphoria is very serious and should not be treated as if it were nothing. Do not listen to these people, they're ignorant and uneducated in this matter. Never listen to the opinion of a narrow-minded person. What matters is you know who YOU are and no one can take that from you. Money and objects don't buy true happiness. True happiness is being able to be you, it doesn't matter what you have you won't be happy if you have to be something you're not.

Before I came out about having depression and social anxiety to my family, none of them even had a clue. They thought I was just a normal kid and I would hide behind smiles all the time pretending to be happy when really I just wanted to break down in sorrow and cry my eyes out. I'm guessing you're under 18 so the best you can really do is make subtle unnoticeable changes for now to feel more feminine without anyone noticing. Is there anyone else you can reach out to for support? I mean, we're all here for you and are more than willing to help and listen but it's nice to have someone you can trust and go to in real life.

It's a long and hard road, I won't lie. But you can make it easier if you're determined to do so. Education is very important and you need a job to save up and do what you want if your parents aren't willing to help you. I used to be on the computer all the time playing games but I've now found something I enjoy doing which is guitar. I played video games all the time whenever I could just to get my mind off things (distraction is a great coping method). I still play games every now and then but as time goes by I notice myself not needing it as much as I used to plus I don't get much joy out of them any more.

Sorry for making all these assumptions but is there a counsellor at school you can speak to or anyone at all? I wish I could help you more but the best I can do is offer my support and advice. Please try and stay strong, you can one day be the beautiful girl you are and have always meant to be. Do what you must to stay safe and please come on here any time you need. Never stop dreaming, you are a woman and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Good luck with everything, I hope you can find a way to be who you are.

By the way, do you have a therapist who isn't closed-minded and you're comfortable with? They can be the biggest help not just with transition but your mental health also.

[zero.cool.crash.override]

Seems like your parents only allow you to see doctors and counselors who agree with their own inflexible preconceived ideas.  Is there any way you can get yourself to different therapist, like at school?  I've heard that Planned Parenthood can provide transgender services, you could check there.  Places like this can maintain confidentiality, even from your parents.  A decent therapist could definitely help.  At the very least, they can confirm that your gender dysphoria is legit, and you have genuine reason to not be happy all the time.  That is at the very least, there is much more they can help with.

You're in a rough place right now.  Don't give up, though.  It will be worth the wait.