No Idea What to Do...

[TheQuestion]

I really hate myself right now.  I had my first therapy session recently and it really did nothing for me.  I was honest.  I was told exactly what I'd assumed I'd be told.  Essentially this therapist told me that he'd find it very hard recommending that I follow through with transitioning, because I have "too little data" in terms of life experiences and past relationships, or lack of past relationships I guess.  Was pretty much trying to tell me that since I've never had a physical relationship, and don't have many friends, that I have no way of knowing if I'm trans; which I know I am.

My problem isn't whether or not I believe that I'm trans; my problem is that I do know that I'm trans, desperately want to transition, but feel I physically can't.  I mentioned how I would transition, w/o question, if I knew that I'd pass in at least most circumstances; for me passing is a deal breaker.  It's not about passing for some people (and I wish I could feel that way), but for me it is.  I mentioned my reasons for doubting my ability to pass and he never said anything to heighten my confidence level, aside from saying "well, it's not like you weigh 300lbs."  He really seemed to be at a loss and asked everything I've already asked myself; gave canned answers too.  He told me that "he didn't think he was the guy for me..." so I guess I'll be looking for a new therapist, but I really don't see the point to be honest.

I'm in absolute hell.  I really want to transition, but like I've said, I'm convinced that I wouldn't pass even w hrt and the full gamut of surgeries.  I just couldn't deal w that.  I hate my body and the life it comes with, but I think there's the high likelihood that I'd hate myself still if I transitioned.  I really don't want to die, but I have no idea how I can keep living like this.  I want to kill myself sometime, at the moment I wouldn't, yet someday I'm afraid that I will.  I really feel like I'm stuck in a hopeless situation and in a pointless, worthless life. 

Anyway, I really have no idea what to do.  I don't even feel as though I have the option to transition, but non-transitioning will probably destroy me further as time goes by.  I keep getting hit with these intense waves of sadness and regret.  Maybe I should go on antidepressants, but I'm afraid that would only be masking the problem.  Does anyone have any suggestions on just ignoring things?  I feel I'm beyond transitioning, and that should be enough, but I still can't shake my desire to transition...

[HoneyStrums]

Find Another therapist. You should. You Need one that can help you. This one abviously Cant.

[Alyssa Rae]

I'd consider searching up a gender specialist in your area.  That's what I did and as luck would have it, I found one about ten minutes away.  I'd also try to find out as much info as I could in regards to their experience with trans people. 

Also, I certainly don't think you're beyond transitioning.  I know the feeling of regret for not tackling it sooner, but I really don't think passing would be much of an issue for you.

[JoanneB]

When I first went to therapy a few years ago I was living in rural WV and the nearest T friendly one was 90 miles away. The nearest actual Gender Therapist was another hour to 90 minutes further. Since I had a ton of baggage from being trans I was more worried about, seeing this guy was fine for me... Then

Today I am seeing a Gender Therapist. There is a WORLD of difference between the two.

[TheQuestion]

Thanks, I just really hate everything these days.  I never find the smallest bit of happiness and I basically don't feel like I exist anymore. People keep telling me that I'd have no problem passing, but that's based on a shot from the neck up. I'm a realist, I hate to say it, but I would have major problems passing. I have everything going against me and I'm pretty sure that I'd have no chance at 26 years old. There are people twice my age and twice my weight who, with work and effort, could pass well; but I see what I have underneath and I know it couldn't be.  Even if I transitioned and did pass, I'd still have to contend with my disgustingly huge, knobby and veiny hands always being apparent.  I don't think I'd ever be able to consider myself a woman.  Looking at successful transition videos and photos has pretty much killed me, I'm beyond depressed.

Anyway, I've been having trouble finding a therapist and I was turned away by Fenway Health which is where everyone is directing me.  I'm just an absolute mess right now and I sincerely wish I were dead.  The only thing keeping me from killing myself is the fear that if I did, I'd be punished, and be reborn as a man for the remainder of my lifetimes (if reincarnation is an actuality that is).

[Edge]

This is just what I think. You know what will happen if you don't transition, but you don't know for sure what will happen if you do. You can guess, but you can't know for sure without a doubt. Is living the way you are now preferable to taking that chance? You've already said you feel suicidal. What have you got to lose?
As for your therapist, what do other people have to do with being trans? He doesn't seem to know much on the subject.

[Nero]

As for your therapist, what do other people have to do with being trans? He doesn't seem to know much on the subject.

Yeah, I'm not sure how relationships with other people would say anything about your trans status. My guess is he was looking for sexual data. Well, there are people transitioning with all kinds of orientations and sexual histories. There can sometimes be clues with the way you behave in sexual relationships, but that's it.

[Spiritwlker]

If you can't find a therapist that specializes in gender issues you may have better luck with a female therapist. I think it can be hard for straight cismen to relate to and support MtFs even if they are professionals. Don't be afraid to call offices and make inquiries about therapists experience with trans and gender issues and whether they are willing to work with you. You can make those calls anonymously.

[Rachel]

If you are a therapist and a prospective patient was to come into your office and say I feel suicidal and the last therapist told me he is not the correct person for me and to find another and than I was turned away by abc location then a red light may come on. (if you say you are suicidal and they believe you may self harm they must report it to the police)

I know your pain and I think you know the answer about trying transitioning. I also know it is tough holding it together when you are in a fragile state. However, getting on track for you to answer your questions with the guide of a therapist is very important. Your dysphoria will not go away. 

I was lucky, the therapist I was referred to was absolutely awesome. You may need to shop around; be a consumer and discriminating.

Use Psychology Today online to fine a therapist. A LGBT center or LGBT primary care (again I am lucky) may help you. I was going to do an intake at a woman's therapy center but went to Mazzoni Center (had a therapist from the Women's center there and did my intake). She referred me to the therapist I used.

From your picture, you look great and have real potential. I will be sending you some positive thoughts.

[E-Brennan]

He told me that "he didn't think he was the guy for me..."

New therapist time.

You don't need to real-life test your trans-ness by having relationships with people, in the same way a gay guy isn't obliged to have sex with a girl to get some "data" (?!) about whether he's really gay, especially when being trans has nothing to do with sex and relationships.  (This is why, sometimes, the T should not be lumped in with LGB).  What a ridiculous thing for your therapist to say.

If you can't find a gender therapist, I would strongly suggest taking Spiritwlker's suggestion of finding a female therapist.

[kelly_aus]

Passing? You never know what will happen until you transition.. I never thought I would and yet I do. Even with the substandard results I've had from hormones.

Passing is a combination of things, looks, mannerisms, body language, self esteem, self acceptance are all part of the package. Get enough of these mostly right, you've got a winner.

[PoeticHeart]

As the trend has gone, find a new therapist.

A good therapist would be able to not only help you transition -- and feel confident in doing so -- but would also help you to dig into the underlying factors that will only enhance your transition. Transition isn't just about hormones and surgeries. It's about freeing yourself from social traps; it's about ripping up the old tapes that play in our heads that tell us we aren't good enough. Transition is about going forward into life with not only the body, but the attitude.

As I said, I believe a good therapist would be very, very useful.

[Ltl89]

Honesty, I'm a bit shocked that the therapist claimed you can't transition until you try dating.  I understand how they may think there are other issues, which may be true, but that doesn't mean that you can't know this is what you want either.  I've never had a relationship, yet I'm quite sure of my gender and sexuality.  In my case, there are other issues, but they are all tied in together.

As for whether this is the right path, only you can say.  To be honest, I am the same way about passing.  It's really important to me and everyday I fear that I will never attain what I hope for.  It's a horrible feeling and right now I'm not sure I have the strength to make it through this.  I push along hoping to one day get somewhere where I'd like to be, but I'm doubtful that will ever happen outside of my dreams.  Still, I know this is what I need to do, so I keep existing hoping to get past my emotional and physical roadblocks.  This is just my own experience and it isn't to say that this will be the same for you.  Before making the decision, you really have to think of all the consequences and potential outcomes beforehand.  With that in mind, you can make a somewhat informed and rational decision.  And I'll say this, there is no shame in caring about passing.  Really, it's important to many of us.  This is about finding peace and happiness more than anything.  If transitioning can do that, great.  If it may not do that, then that's okay to.  You just got to be aware of what's ahead and do what's best for you in the end.

Another thing I'll say is that you don't always know about passing.  Most of us tend to be pessimistic.  However, there are plenty of amazing before and afters.  You don't always know for a fact how it will turn out, despite how you may feel about your body.   There is no gurantee it will turn out the way you want it to and this is always a risk.  The question is whether the risk is worth taking.  Please think about it deeply before deciding either way.

I wish you all the luck that I can and hope you find what you are looking for.

[TheQuestion]

Yeah, he told me that he'd have a hard time advising me with "so little data." He was listed as a sexual dysfunction therapist and his credential showed trans issues, but I could tell he deals more often w other dysfunctions. I'll hopefully have a new therapist soon, and I definitely wanted to see a woman therapist, it felt awkward talking with a man about this stuff...

[JoanneB]

Yeah, he told me that he'd have a hard time advising me with "so little data." He was listed as a sexual dysfunction therapist and his credential showed trans issues, but I could tell he deals more often w other dysfunctions. I'll hopefully have a new therapist soon, and I definitely wanted to see a woman therapist, it felt awkward talking with a man about this stuff...

I often suspected that in the Psychology Today listings anyone that that checked off anything gay or sex related automatically checked off trans. When you dig just a little under the surface as they describe their practice, they never to hardly ever mention gay, much less trans issues. Even when they do after 5 minutes on the phone you soon learn that they mostly had a class about it, or so it seems.