[blithering] Down the rabbit hole

[Asche]

This was going to be a very different post.  But then life got in the way (it's after noon, and my brain shuts down then.)  It's not very linear or coherent, but then, it's hard to be coherent when you're  falling down a rabbit hole.  All you can do is describe what you see as you fall.

Sometimes there's a small voice inside that talks to me like a patient parent talking to a stubborn child and tells me things that are obvious but I'm too -- something -- to see.  Today it told me I'm going to transition.  When?  Well, that depends on how stubborn I am.  Or maybe how long it takes for me to overcome my terror.  Or to just get used to the idea.

I feel like I'm at the top of a high dive, 8 feet up, except that the next time I look, it's 15, and the next time, even higher.  It's not in me to climb back down past all the other divers, I just can't.  But I'm terrified to jump.  What if there's a rock under that green lake water?  Or I fall wrong and break my neck?  Maybe the whole idea was a disastrous mistake.  I see people splashing and playing and someone (Ms. Grace?  suzifrommd?  Ativan?) says, "jump in, the water's fine!"  My choices: jump now, jump later, or wait until I die of old age.  In a confusion of past, present, and future, I am on the edge and at the same time falling, tumbling forever, down towards the water but not yet there, down the rabbit hole.

Today I walked into town to the grocery store.  I wore a green and white plaid cotton dress I finished a few weeks ago.  (My compulsion has turned to dresses.)  It has puffed short sleeves.  Outwardly, it's like any other walk into town.  But inside, I'm sure everyone thinks I'm some kind of weirdo or pervert.  In my mind, I hear them expressing disgust, even contemplating beating me up.  A man in a dress?  Ew!  I hear voices from a car that goes by.  No idea what they really said or if it's to me or to someone in the car, but of course I assume it was some gross commentary.  Objectively, the voices are in my head, not coming from the people around me.  I want to say I'm afraid, but, really, it's shame I feel.  I feel like I really do belong in a zoo, like some people on another site once told me.

Puffed sleeves: I was looking for pink lace trim at the fabric store, and the clerk mentioned, women don't wear pink, little girls wear pink.  But I want to wear pink.  I realize that what I long to wear are girl's fashions, not so much women's.  Puffed sleeves.  Pink.  Taffeta and organza, tulle and ruffles and lace.  Sashes and ribbons in bright colors.  Like a little girl's idea of a Princess or a ballerina.  (The exact opposite of what I look like.)

Little girl: I remember when I was young, with three brothers, my parents used to tell us that except for the oldest, we were all supposed to be girls and each of us was named [girl's name] until we were born and they realized they had to think up a boy's name.  So when I was nine and my mother finally gave birth to a girl, we didn't have to ask what her name was.  I'm sure my old therapist, the one I was with for 20+ years, would say I didn't want to become a girl, I just wanted to be close to my mother, to be the child my parents wanted.  I suppose she'd mean: once you get over your complexes, you won't need all this girl stuff.  Maybe it's true, maybe it's half-true, or none-true.  Who knows?  But at 61, I realize it's been part of me too long, I'm not going to change, at least not fundamentally.  I'm already up on that high dive, with no place to go but down.

EDIT: forgot to add this:

When logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards and the Red Queen's off with her head
Remember what the dormouse said
Keep your head
Keep your head

(Well, that's how I remember it.)

[mrs izzy]

I like pink.

So guess i am a girl then LOL.

Ware what you want.

[suzifrommd]

But inside, I'm sure everyone thinks I'm some kind of weirdo or pervert. 

Maybe. But we know differently. We know you're incredibly courageous and an example of what can be accomplished by will and determination.

I hope you're really, really proud. You deserve to be.

Oh, and BTW, at 53 I really like wearing pink. So does my ex-wife who is a year older than I. My 17-year-old daughter? Not so much.

[Mark3]

I really enjoyed your story, thanks so much for sharing..

I really thought I was going to be one of the eldest members here, but there's a lot of great people here my age (54) or even older.. You are definitely one of them..

Please share often, and keep us all posted, you're among good friends..

[Satinjoy]

when you're  falling down a rabbit hole.  All you can do is describe what you see as you fall.

Sometimes there's a small voice inside that talks to me like a patient parent talking to a stubborn child and tells me things that are obvious but I'm too -- something -- to see.  Today it told me I'm going to transition.  When?  Well, that depends on how stubborn I am.  Or maybe how long it takes for me to overcome my terror.  Or to just get used to the idea.

My choices: jump now, jump later, or wait until I die of old age.  In a confusion of past, present, and future, I am on the edge and at the same time falling, tumbling forever, down towards the water but not yet there, down the rabbit hole.

(My compulsion has turned to dresses.)  It has puffed short sleeves.  Outwardly, it's like any other walk into town.  But inside, I'm sure everyone thinks I'm some kind of weirdo or pervert.  In my mind, I hear them expressing disgust, even contemplating beating me up.  A man in a dress?  Ew!  I hear voices from a car that goes by.  No idea what they really said or if it's to me or to someone in the car, but of course I assume it was some gross commentary.  Objectively, the voices are in my head, not coming from the people around me.  I want to say I'm afraid, but, really, it's shame I feel.  I feel like I really do belong in a zoo, like some people on another site once told me.

Puffed sleeves: I was looking for pink lace trim at the fabric store, and the clerk mentioned, women don't wear pink, little girls wear pink.  But I want to wear pink.  I realize that what I long to wear are girl's fashions, not so much women's.  Puffed sleeves.  Pink.  Taffeta and organza, tulle and ruffles and lace.  Sashes and ribbons in bright colors.  Like a little girl's idea of a Princess or a ballerina.  (The exact opposite of what I look like.)

But at 61, I realize it's been part of me too long, I'm not going to change, at least not fundamentally.  I'm already up on that high dive,

There is a lot here Ashe,  deserving of thought, which due to time constraints I won't have enough of into it.  For which I appologize.

First off, I love pink.  Little girl?  Little girl fashion?  You wear what makes you happy dear.  Not what makes some store clerk happy by shooting off their mouth.  And lingerie?  Forget about it, I can't post what I'd like to here without triggering the whole forum.  Pink and lace and satin and nylon are the most wonderful stuff. It's early, I'm there at the moment.... blessed at being GQ and only having to cover the lingerie with a thin nightshirt to accomodate my wifes needs.

As to going out, and the chatter, courage is amazing for you there.  The last time I went out dressed was in 1984.  My agent had a casting call for an east village dive on an MTV shoot, and off handed he said they were looking for derelicts, wild looks, drag queens.... I showed up wigged in a mini with fishnets.  On the way to an AA meeting from the shoot, still dressed, I got publically outed in a rather cruel way on the street in the west village.  So I know what that feels like, at least the idiots kept driving, and what the heck were they doing in the village anyway.  But it was 1984 and the world was crueler to TSTV's.

But when I got to the meeting, that all changed, the validation of others was great, and one of the guys there never looked at me the same, there was always this rather yummy look of attraction from him, never acted upon, but quite validating indeed.  And I look good in a mini, especially then in my 20's.

Anyway, when you speak of shame, I get rather upset.  This shame thing, which has been talked over in the mtf section, is so caused by others putting it on us, or by us turning it into a sexual experience and taking it out the door.... that gets hard to figure...but the bottom line is that if we have female identities and take it out the door, shame would not be appropriate, it means we are buying into the other persons bull->-bleeped-<-.  Easy for me to say, but I don't take it out the door other than GQ.  And when I started to do that, once again in AA, a safe environment for me, I had to just take deep breaths and force myself to just be.  Be, validate myself, hypervigilant, breathe, be.  Now, I am comfortable in that environment as me presenting subtly blended binaries, and I don't have to be breathing so hard.  It has taken the forum, the shrink, and mostly just being, to get there.

That inside voice may be your core, it may be spiritual, Ativan had a post once about silencing the outside world until it is all quiet, and then seeking your true gender in that quiet place.  That is the core, it was not identified as such then, but that is where it is and how to find it.

I hit the wall at 55 Asche, and very hard, then did it again, and again, and then fell down the rabbit hole one more time.  Ativan and Aisla went down that hole to pull me out of it.  So did others.... point being that we are here for you no matter where your gender identities take you.  I will say that transition for me became inescapable, but that as the hormones kicked in and therapy continued long after my letter was written, the entire gender identity changed and became authentic.  It takes time and work to find that.

So, off the high dive?  Find the core sweetie and see where that needs to be.  I have a physical, social, and core gender identity, three distinct aspects of the diamond.  Physical mtf no op, social genderfluid, and core is gender neutral and amuzed by the whole idea of gender.

Its about freedom for us my dear, and that fear thing is hard to overcome and understand, it takes work to understand where it comes from, why it is there, what it is trying to say to us.... as we define the boundaries of our presentation, and make the key decisions about transition.

I will say this though, in my case, with these characteristics, I will not go FTE, for it is not who I am socially.  It is who I am physically.  So I live with this compromise of presentation that allows me to be me, forget how I look, with the knowledge that inside or under the costume I wear, there is a rather good looking mtf body and it is not wearing mens things, which I abhore.

Blessings my dear, safe journeys on the path of transition, looks like you and Jess42 are both staring at the entryway, guarded by the shrinks that will join you on it.  Make sure they are gender shrinks...

Nails out, thinking, thinking, wondering what will become of our late transitioners, of which I am one of them with the conflicts within settled.

I am tempted to post my real picture soon.   My blouse will be pink and gorgeous in my own eyes..... or maybe it'll be the blue one...we'll see.  I have to figure out if I can do it without outing myself too much, for the sake of my transphobic family:(

Blessings.

[Asche]

In defense of the poor fabric store clerk, she was actually explaining why they didn't have much of a selection in pink lace trim -- little demand.  And she pointed me to a place in NYC (a couple of blocks from Grand Central)  that she thought would have what I was looking for.  So I don't think she was criticizing my taste in colors.

[Satinjoy]

Ahhhhh sorry to cast doubt on the clerk....

There are some very interesting places or used to be near midtown.... used to be a boutique there for our special pretransition needs... and some rather nuts nightlife.

Oh the memories.  Had you been there, you could have seen me sitting on the bare sidewalk in midtown with a plastic flower in one hand and a bottle of red wine in the other, laughing at the tourists going to work at 5 in the morning.  25 years old and a year from hitting bottom.

Long ago and in a place far, far away.

Hope there was something in that rant for you though dear.

Blessings,  SJ is stronger today.  The oddities of social fluidity.  Friday Satinjoy had full control.

Gotta love it.

[Taka]

just to mention it...

one of my brothers once dived into the water, thinking it was perfectly safe, not knowing that rocks had been dumped there from a construction site. and of course a little too drunk to remember to check before diving.

broke his neck, he did. but guess what, he's still alive. and still into mma. even married and happier than ever before.

so what if you break your neck. you might survive even that.

[ativan]

The real ending to that song is feed your head...
In reference to it, it is those people who refuse to do just that, they are stagnant.
They have self imposed a set of rules that limits not only themselves, but their intelligence as well.
Originally, it was taken to mean expand your mind through the use of drugs or smoking pot.
But the real meaning, is to feed your intelligence, to move forward.
To see the possibilities that are there for the taking.
The lesser individuals who can't do this are the ones who make negative comments towards trans people, or even just about anyone who they think are different.
They expose themselves for who they are.
People who have stopped growing and can't see that others have continued on, moving ahead.
Their only weapon in defense is to make comments that only show their true worth.
Which isn't much, considering others have moved on, others are moving on.
They don't see the majority of people who are successful at whatever it is they are doing in life.
Feed your head.
Ativan

[Asche]

The real ending to that song is feed your head...

Yeah, I noticed that when I checked the lyrics websites.  I just can't make any sense of the phrase "feed your head."  Maybe that's why, even now, when I replay it in my mind, I hear "keep your head."

Besides, if you've tumbled into a land where caterpillars smoke hookahs and give you advice and the palace guards are made of playing cards, stagnation isn't something you're likely to worry about.  "Keeping your head" is (figuratively or, in Alice's case, literally.)

Right now, keeping my head is very much my concern.  One minute, transition seems like the obvious and natural thing to do, the next minute it's no big deal and doesn't really matter, and the next minute it seems like it's just stupid.  I say stuff to myself and can't make sense of the words.  (It doesn't help that I'm not a verbal thinker.)  What I feel -- about anything -- changes from hour to hour.  I shuffle the pieces of my past and my personality and add them up and come up with a different answer each time.  And most of the time, I don't know what the heck is going on with me, I just know I'm distracted and have to make a conscious effort to remember to make meals or to get dressed and go to work (or to get my kids to do what they ought to be able to do on their own but don't.)

That "small voice" in my head may have told me what's going to happen, but it is silent about where it is or how I'll get there or what I'll go through in the process.  Self to small voice: drop dead!

[ativan]

I reread what I had made as a comment above and changed it to clarify what I was thinking.
Sorry if anyone took that the wrong way.

The thing here on this forum, is that we are learning, we learn something everytime we read something or comment here.
I see acceptance for others, I see growth as individuals, I see a community of people who strive to move forward.
It really isn't difficult to imagine some peoples remarks from the cis world as their growth as humans has been self stunted.
I hear statements that aren't based in reality about trans people and have to think they must be thinking in their stunted minds from decades ago,
that by making stupid remarks, the world is going to bend to their idea of what it is supposed to be?
The world and society is always changing, out with the old, in with the new.
Society knows that trans people are here, always have been, always will be...
They can't hide that, or try to hide from it. It's apparent and some can't cope with it.
This is stunted growth, it doesn't take very much to figure it out, yet there are groups and individuals who think making it hard for another person or group will make them disappear from their world view of how it is supposed to be according to them and their friends, etc?
I find that lack of ability to see the world as it is, to believe that yours is the only view and have to try and make the rest of the world bend to it as stunted in thinking.
To me, this is a part of what feed your head means.
And in that process of how we as trans go about dealing with life at times, is indeed,
that of just trying to get through another day, keeping our heads.
Ativan

[Satinjoy]

Here is the thing

I always feel guilty that I play down my presentation publically.  Without backing down if they ask "what's different".

But I feel "less than " if I compare myself to the others here on the board, because I am not like Suziefrommd or others that can publically represent trans people so well.  Very less than, like I am some kind of fake.

Yet reality is the cost is too high, I can't lose the wife over presentation stuff as long as I know who I am.

Yesterday a McDonalds worker said "OMG what beautiful nails they're so shiny" at a drive through.  In front of my wife.

Validating for me.  My wife was mortified.  I have come far, but have so far to go.  But she continues to get better.

So for the Asche, going out publically?

Wow.

[Taka]

valuing your wife more than your own freedom to present, is a valid choice too. one made out of love, i'm sure.
so don't go feeling "less than", some people here ended up getting divorced because they couldn't do what you're doing now.
it takes a whole lot of determination to do as much as you're doing for your loved one, it's no small feat at all.

[JulieBlair]

My dear friends,
I read this thread, and have tears on my cheeks.  Asche, you are so very brave, and yet seem so very sad.  Age is irrelevant to living authentically.  I also have sixty-one years.  I live as I ought, without fear of rabbit holes, without fear of failure.  No one should have to settle, if in their heart of hearts they know the truth about themselves.  I know that is simplistic, I know there are no answers except to those questions we choose to entertain.  But my face is still wet. 

I spent most of my life in free fall.  Unable to stop, and unable to grasp a reality that I could embrace.  Your dream has a lot of resonance for me, and a lot of poignancy.  I must embrace who I am.  It isn't a judgement, it is the only way I know of to continue.  I wish the people in our lives could embrace the spirit of the people in front of them.  And see gender for what it is, a construct of the universe that is integral to our identity.  Not male, not female, human.  Maybe then the high dive, the drive through, and the rabbit hole will vanish.

Blessings,
Julie