I don't think my parents will be supportive

[Jessica15]

I haven't told anyone I'm trans, but last week I told my parents that I wanted laser hair removal on my face.  They kind of flipped out about it asking why on earth a man would want to do such a thing?  They even asked if I "want to be a woman?"  In that moment I didn't have the courage to say yes.

Later on my Dad approached me again to talk about it and he was quite agitated and made it very clear that he did not approve of it.  Then later again, my Mom approached me and was very concerned for me.  She seemed like she was almost on the verge of tears.  She kept pushing me to tell her "what is really going on?"  "We weren't born yesterday, we know there's something more to this." she said before storming out of the room in anger.

Fast forward a few days later, I overheard a phone conversation my Dad was having with my Brother.  Regarding the hair removal, I heard my Dad mention that they'd give me a timeline to move out if I proceeded with the process.  And I'm certain they spoke of the possibility of me possibly being trans as well, but I wasn't able to hear that part of the conversation very clearly because my Mom started the washing machine and it made too much noise for me to hear over it.  I just heard a few words, but nothing I could piece together to know exactly where they stand on that issue.

I'm 33 years old, unemployed and still financially dependent on my parents.  If I come out, not only is it likely going to be a dramatic battle where my parents raise their voices and play armchair psychiatrists, but in the end I can easily see them using my living situation to force me into not doing it.  I wish I could move out, but if my past is any indication, it could be many more years before that becomes a reality.  For the last 11 years since graduating college I've done nothing but bounce back and forth between unemployment and dead end jobs that don't even pay enough to cover the cost of living on your own.  I've made significant strides to improve my skill set in the last two years, but as of right now I've been unemployed for a full year without any luck of finding a new job.  So this situation could continue for quite some time.

The thing is, I'm mentally breaking.  For the last 2 months I've been growing more depressed.  I broke out in tears the other day while in the shower, which crying is something I almost never do.  So yeah, I don't know what to do.  I feel trapped.

[Ms Grace]

No, they don't sound like they would be supportive. Sorry.

Honestly, you seem pretty stuck until you can find a way to become independent. Not easy if you don't have a supportive and secure job but if you don't start somewhere with something the older you get the less likely you'll be to get anything. What is holding you back? Lack of skills? Lack of confidence? Depression? Lack of opportunities in your area?

You're probably feeling pretty fragile, so I'm sorry for bombarding you with questions but it sounds like you hate being dependent on your folks and you really need to figure out a way to work your way out from under that before you do anything else on this path.

Hugs

[Jessica15]

What is holding you back? Lack of skills? Lack of confidence? Depression? Lack of opportunities in your area?

Extreme social anxiety.  No friends, no networking opportunities.  Combine all that with a healthy dose of bad luck where lots of things happened that were beyond my control.  It sucks.

[Ms Grace]

Extreme social anxiety.  No friends, no networking opportunities.  Combine all that with a healthy dose of bad luck where lots of things happened that were beyond my control.  It sucks.

OK, sure - yes it does suck. Those are your obstacles... how do you plan to work around them?

Social anxiety... are you seeing a therapist about this? Can they give you meds and/or coping techniques to help you move forward and, over time, reduce the anxiety and in the process develop confidence?

No friends... absolutely none at all? Believe me, I understand how this feels (plus the anxiety). My first couple of years at university were terrible. If people were friendly to me I'd freak out, most of the time I felt they were ignoring me on purpose or laughing behind my back. I'm not a particularly social person, parties freak me the f@#$ out. I even read that stupid book "How to Win Friends and Influence People"...but I have to admit it helped me realise that building friendship is not an easy or quick thing for introverted people, that it is a two way street, that it takes work and required me to stop worrying about what I thought other people were thinking and saying about me and to just wade into the thick of things. If you're at your parents' home every day playing games or on the web or whatever you won't meet anyone, if you don't meet anyone how can you make friends? If it's not too traumatic, are there people from school or college you can catch up with? Maybe something simple like a cup of coffee and a chat? Don't think that one get together will make you best buds but it will give you a chance to find out about how things are going with them, be interested in their life and maybe work on some connections over time. Remember it's a two way street.

No networks... see above. What networks do you want/need to be a part of? The internet can help find them for you and be a part of them.

Bad luck - well there's nothing you can do about that. It may feel like the world is stacked against you but you have to put that behind you. Sometimes things work out how we want, how we plan - sometimes nothing does. If you want to move forward then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and either try again, try a different approach or admit it's not going to be a thing (now or ever) and move on to something else.

What do you want? How are you going to work around, over, through, under those obstacles to get what you want? It doesn't have to be a big grandiose plan, recognise that little steps are needed to achieve every journey... they will get you there in the end as long as you don't let self-defeatism or fear overwhelm and nobble you at the starting line.

[Spiritwlker]

Grace has made some good points.. while we are all here for you in 'this' forum, it sounds like you could really use a physical shoulder to lean on. Have you thought about searching for LGBT groups in your area? I know there are support groups for trans folks in many places, but you really have to look since we try to keep ourselves safe. Are you near any colleges? Colleges sometimes have welcoming groups that can be attended by outside people. If social anxiety is preventing you from networking and socializing then you should consider seeing a therapist. There are many community mental health organizations out there that will offer therapy on a sliding scale. Alternatively you could access a hotline for someone to vent to.

[E-Brennan]

Sorry to hear that it's not a good situation at home.

I agree with the others - your gender issues can't be hidden away to make your parents happy.  This means that you'll have to take some concrete, practical steps towards becoming independent.  The whole living with the parents thing doesn't sound like it's going to work.

It's hard to get started in life these days, but it's a hurdle you'll have to overcome.  Believe me, I've lived life looking backwards and feeling sorry for myself, and it's not a good place to be.  Breaking out of that cycle is so important, because the future does hold lots of promise for you.

So, if transition is your goal, then leave the past behind, leave the comfort of your parents behind, and focus on two things: employment and accommodation.  Employment first - that should be your number one goal.  Once you have that in hand (and financial independence), you'll find that what your parents think really doesn't matter that much anymore.  Without any more info about where you live and what you skills are, it's difficult to offer much more advice, but generally you should look as broadly as you can - if you want to transition badly enough (or if you just want to live your own life and see what happens), you'll find a job doing something somewhere.  It might take doing something you consider beneath you, maybe something miles and miles away from home, but what matters is that you get that regular paycheck.  Things start to fall into place after that.

It's a long, hard road, but it's in no way impassable.  And it sounds like you'll be walking it without your parents at your side, so it's extra hard.

Maybe you can get your parents to help without them knowing they're helping?  Perhaps don't mention anything about you being trans to them whatsoever.  Instead, tell them that you'd really like their help in sorting out your employment issues.  Tell them you have social anxiety, that you might benefit from some therapy to talk about it, and how you'd also like them to do what they can to motivate and assist you in a job search.  Show them you've turned a corner, that you'd like to try your hardest to break the cycle of unemployment.  They may even offer to help provide a little extra financial support if your job doesn't pay enough for you to live alone.

It's got to be rough, and many of us know what you're going through.  We're here to provide as much support as we possibly can, even if just a friendly and safe place to vent.