warning, possible trigger warning.
So, right now, I'm just finding it hard to care or go on yet "dying" is too much trouble. That doesn't mean I don't have suicidal thoughts, especially when someone/something upsets me greatly and at that point I fear (as of now at least, not in the moment) that I'll be stupid and end this miserable life I have. I try to stay positive but it isn't easy. While I'm on the subject, some of you may have noticed I don't reply or reply nearly as much as I should in the threads I create and such, trust me, I read every last post and appreciate everything, it's just my mood as well as procrastinating (Mainly my mood though, I think..) makes it hard to reply. None the less, thanks. Anyway, I want a life that most people have, a normal one, one in which, I make enough money and can not only afford to get stuff I want to buy rather than I need but also one in which I have a car, friends in real life who'll accept me for who I am and be there for me. I want family who loves me, accepts me for who I am and supports me and all the other good stuff that most people just take for granted, including having been born in the right freaking body.
I can't even have kids and that hurts me. My mood is getting worse and worse and it's beginning to affect my life both at work and at home, such as when I watch anime or even hentai. I find myself just wishing that could be me, but it can't and that hurts. I also bring myself down, tell myself things that I know the reason why people like me but, can't see why. Even then this I do mean that, I don't believe anyone will ever fully accept me and support me for who I am in my life outside of the internet.
Heck, family sure hasn't. My sis still hasn't called me, our last talk was a fight and, I've sent her two emails, one telling her bluntly and meanly my way or bye and the 2nd a week later telling her, hey, sorry I said this and that and I'll give you time to call me by the name I now wish to be called but no more than XXX. If you haven't called me, emailed me etc. in 1 month, then this is good bye. That's roughly what I said to her, STILL nothing. She was the only person who I could talk to in my life and who supported me, even if just by hearing me out and accepting me for who and what I am, her sister, then that just stopped..
My Dad outright rejected me finally last week. My brother and his wife from the looks of things are going to do the same as my Dad (Which will cause me to cut our relationship) and that's all I have family wise in my life as the rest of this family is either, rejected me for some reason or another or I never really knew them. I have NO ONE in my life who cares enough about me and will respect me and be there for me, not even one lousy stinking friend!
Naturally, I don't even get to see a therapist or such because of various reasons that prevent me and heck, even if by some miracle I could, I honestly can't even get on hormones and that right there freaking sucks!
(Due to not making enough money and such) I'm a hard worker and this isn't right! What's the point in going on I feel right now, and at times? I can't even transition!
Now, the reason for this post is so I can get some of this off my chest since I have no one to tell this too, sadly but I don't want your pity. lol All I want is to get this off my chest a little (Though it'll still be here afterwards..) and in hopes, maybe, just maybe someone here can help me get out of this "mood" I've been in. Sorry if this got to you..
