Trigger warning: Fear of a life unloved...

[Sincerely Tegan]

Okay, talk to me, please. I am having a little bit of an internal freakout right now.

As I explore the possibility of transitioning, I also have to deal with the possibility of losing my wife. Nothing is set in stone, and the future is unwritten, but it is quite possible that I can't have one (internal peace) without losing the other (the love of my life), and vice versa.

And that right there has been the sticking point from the very beginning. I love her so much. She is the best friend I've ever had. She is the most important person I have ever known. I know we have a connection deeper than many other couples. But I don't know if we could survive transition.

And when my thoughts go in that direction, my greatest fear comes to the forefront. As much as I fear losing her in my life, I am even more scared of the prospect of a life unloved. In other words, I am afraid that if I lost her, nobody else would ever want me again. A life without closeness, without warmth, without that nourishing human contact from a person that you love, and who you know loves you.

I'm scared. Is anything worth the price of losing that? I don't have any answers, and I'm really scared.

Talk to me, please,
Tegan

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi Teagan, I reached that point myself. I had to let go because the Dysphoria was making me hate her. I saw her as a roadblock or object in the way to my happiness. I knew if we stayed together my resentment would grow every day until I broke. I was scared what would happen when that occurred. My Dysphoria was so severe I gave up everything to resolve it. I was on a quest and nothing could stop me. I never even considered what would happen in my life after transition the urge was so strong. I just knew it had to be done one way or another. Now that I am happy and well adjusted I am not really fearful, but curious what the future holds for me as far as a companion or SO. I am not scared to face the rest of my life alone (which will probably happen) because the monster inside me is dead and I am free to concentrate on something besides it. I feel hopeful, but still practical about my future and chances of love. I will die happy either way because I am one with myself now. Not sure if this helps you or not though.

[Jill F]

I had no idea what would happen to me.  At first I knew I needed at least a therapeutic dose of estrogen and maybe wouldn't have to transition socially.   That was my original plan, to try and keep things as "normal" as possible for her and everyone I knew.  Nobody had to know I was on E.

Then something wonderful happened.  After all of these years of being depressed, anxious and suicidal, I was finally happy, compassionate and affectionate.  My wife no longer had to deal with this grumpy guy that she expected to find dead one day.  She liked me so much better that she would never trade me back for "him".  We are both much happier now.

It didn't happen overnight, but my full transition eventually got greenlighted.

Even if I lost her, I would still be grateful to be alive and finally happy and I know there are plenty of people out there who could love me for who I am.   

[mandonlym]

Just had brunch with my pre-transition ex last Saturday after three years of not seeing each other so this resonated. He's a wonderful, kind man and I didn't think I would ever love anyone again as much as I loved him, but I took the risk because I also knew that as much as I loved him, I had to also love myself.

There are no guarantees but for me that risk paid off. Aside from being  a lot happier, I've been lucky to be with a number of people who love me for who I am. It's taking a while for me to settle down (I'm kind of a free spirit so it's not really them but me), though I have a good feeling about the current one.

Just to give you an example, he was just at a trans conference a couple weeks go to study how he can be of better service to trans clients (he's a massage therapist) and when I mentioned I was planning to go to the Philadelphia Transgender Health Conference, he said he was already planning to go! This is a straight cis guy we're talking about. He's kind of blowing my mind right now.

[Sincerely Tegan]

I remember when I was 15, doing a journal entry in English class-"What is your greatest fear?" I'm sure the other kids wrote about clowns, spiders, and heights, but my answer was that I feared I would always be alone. I don't want that fear to come true. I feel like it is. I don't think anybody will want Tegan. I need love in my life or I'll die like a  flower that never feels the sun on its petals.

[Jessica Merriman]

Tegan when you are living as the real you the happiness you show will attract people. Confidence in yourself is an admirable trait and others want to be with happy, well adjusted others. I still have hope for myself, slight, but there. Of course I am an old woman now and not in the great position you will be. Don't do like I did and have a life time of regrets for not doing what I knew I needed. I feel I wasted my desirable, attractive, and fun time of life.

[naomi599]

I often have bouts of fear of loosing my wife as well. That is my primal fear, the fear of being alone. The only thing that keeps me moving towards transition is the fact that I have grown soo bitter from trying to please everyone by being the man they want around. I need to finally do what makes me happy and most of all, I have never been so close to suicide as I had been just last year. I need to do this to survive.

What propels you towards transition?

I fully understand the pain you are experiencing Tegan, and I'm truly sorry. I honestly don't want to loose my wife either but I know what I need to do in order to remain happy. You have to weigh your options carefully. Most important of all, do what makes you the happiest in the end.

[Nora Kayte]

Tegan. All I can say is if she is as important as you say. You need to take it slow. I've been in therapy for 5 months. Have not started hrt yet. But I finally go my wife to go to therapy with me and amazingly to go on her own. And she is actually starting to come around a little. The key. If you want her in your life is give her time to catch up. I have been going through this all my life. 46 years. She only has been going through this for a year. She needs time to catch up. My therapist is one of the most amazing persons I have ever met besides my wife. Neither one of us can get over how good she is. So a good therapist will help for sure. My wife has always been just as important as my transition. I am giving her as much time as I can and it seems to be working out. It may change. I may still lose her. But now I have more hope than I ever have. Give her time. Remember she will be going through all the same things you are and it may be harder for her. Always think of her feelings and give her time to learn and understand. Don't push her. Time is the key. You will still get to your destination but if your wife is as important to you as mine is to me. Take it slow as YOU can and hopefully it will be enough time for her to learn and understand and catch up with you.
Feel free to pm me if you need to talk things out. It would mean a lot to me if I can help anybody in our same situation. I am always around.

[Christinetobe]

Hi Tegan, I understand what you are going through.  My wife and I split on March 1 of this year.  I have not spoken to her or seen her since.  It has been the hardest time of my life.  She was my everything and I truly did not think I could survive without her.  If I did not have my kids I don't know what I would have done.  I can say that although it has only been a short time it has gotten better.  I can be free to be myself without the adverse consequences that would always have been there.  Even if they were just dirty looks and not words.  The questions, anger and rage that I had to frequently deal with are gone.  God knows I miss her and if she showed up here tomorrow I don't know what I would do.  She also was the love of my life and I am terrified of the future.  I can only say that if you stay strong and follow your path it gets easier.  I hope that both you and your wife can continue on this journey together but just know that if not it is not something that is insurmountable.  I wish you the best and send some hugs.

[suzifrommd]

Oh, Tegan, I've been there. My wife was my best friend and we had a solid partnership and a long history (21 years). My first thought when I realized I was trans, was what's going to happen to my marriage.

It was awful. The separation talks were bloody, and now she hates me and talks through clenched teeth when were together.

But, Tegan, here's the thing:

You can't control her.

If she needs to leave, she needs to leave. If she truly loves you, she'll understand why you need to transition, and ultimately it will be her choice whether to stay with you.

If she chooses to leave, you will get through it - you are strong enough, I promise.

With luck, you'll get to the place I am. I love living alone. I'm thrilled at living full-time as my true self (11 months now!) and I, very literally, have never been happier in my life.

I feel guilty about that because it took driving my wife away to get to that place, and I need to remind myself that it was her decision to leave.

Hugs, dear. I really hope this helps.

[JulieBlair]

Hi Teg,
You know my story in pretty exacting detail.  My marriage didn't survive.  It probably wouldn't have made it regardless, but becoming Julie has done it in.  The fear of being completely and soul-lessly alone is my existential nightmare.  It is possible that I will never have an intimate relationship again.  That fear can drive me to my knees.  But that is the fear and not the reality.

Do not underestimate the power of the men and women here.  Do not underestimate your resiliency, and the amazing capacity of the human spirit to transcend angst.  I am becoming someone that I can love.  That is a new experience for me.  I liked the guy I was, I love the woman I am.  I'm not real pretty. I'm not young. I am still rather unsure and tentative in my femininity.  But in a few minutes, I'll go for a 5k run, eat a good breakfast and go join some other people who have committed to living authentically for coffee. 

I really do not have a clue what next week or next month will bring.  I don't live there anymore.  The best I can do is not to waste today in fear.  You have a beautiful and accomplished wife.  You are also beautiful and accomplished. 

Your writing radiates, the conversations I have had with you hold wit and sincerity. Teg you will only spend your life alone if that is your choice.  My friend you are enormously attractive.  I hope that you and k find a way that works for you both.  It may not be together, but it just might be.  There is an obvious love and connection there. 

All I can tell you is that my life is moving from darkness into sunlight.  It isn't very fast, and it isn't without doubt.  But the specters of fear, loneliness, and inadequacy no longer have me paralyzed.  I am moving towards an authentic, and honest way to be.  I do not know where I will be taken, but I am on the train to finding myself.  For me it is worth the cost of the ticket.

You need not fear not being loved, you are.  You are loved by me, and by others whose lives you have touched and who have been blessed by your insight.  You will be loved  and find intimacy no mater if you transition or do not transition.  What is of ultimate importance is discovering where do you need to go in your life so that at three in the morning you rest in peace and know that the person you are is the person you need and want to be.

Regardless of where you end up in the spectrum of life, I would share a meal and a story with you any day of the week.

Warmly,
Julie

[Eva Marie]

Teagan-

I totally get what you are saying. I had the same fears and it kept me from getting the help that I needed for many years. I was simply afraid of what a therapist would tell me about myself, even though I already knew. I finally reached a breaking point where I was in a perma-drunk state all of the time and getting fired or getting a DUI or dying was only a matter of time. At that point I finally reached out for help.

My wife of 27 years is a traditional southern girl and she wants no part of being in a lesbian relationship so she made her decision and left. She was my soul mate, and her leaving me was the worst day of my life.

But - life goes on, and now that my brain is running on the right hormones I find that I am happy, enjoying life, I am far more social, and people like me - which is way different than my existence as that sad inebriated person that was impersonating a guy.

My wife wants no part of the fantastic person that I am now; that's her right and her choice (and IMO her loss) and I wish her great success in her life as she moves forward. I know that there is a special someone out there that is looking for me and that love will happen for me again when it's time.

I hate to tell you this but the dysphoria will eventually make the decision for you. I hope & wish when that happens that your wife has the courage to go on the journey with you. My wife simply did not have that courage.

[AnneB]

Tegan, I know that place where you are.  My wife, my love, the one that has held me together for the past 31 yrs, is angry and bitter and every sentence that comes out of her begins with "you lied to me for 30yrs.."   I am terrified of losing her, of losing my family, of being alone.  So much so, that I decided three weeks ago to revert.  And I am a mess.  And she sees that.  She doesn't want me blaming her for my being miserable, which I know I will eventually.  We are in the same place, you, and I.  We have been together for so long, losing that key piece to our hearts is more terrifying than...  anything we can ever imagine.

Our anxiety will get the better of us.  We will make our decision, and it won't be a good one in terms of our lives together.  My wife will not stay with me -when- I change back.  And I will, about face, again, and continue on the only path that will keep me alive, and sane.  It is only a matter of time.

Can we survive, alone?  I do not know.  Will we ever find someone to fill our hearts again.  Most likely not, not in the same way, I have admitted that to myself already.  But I will not be able to go on living as Shrek much longer.

I include you in my prayers, that you will find the answer, and strength, to decide what is best, for you.

[stephaniec]

well, I'm going to throw in my two cents. This is one of the hardest subjects for me to under stand and it comes up a lot on this forum. I've never been married and I might as well to totally honest because I know your fear of loneness . I've had severe dysphoria  my entire life starting a 4 years old . an unrelenting need to be the opposite gender ,but being so embarrassed about admitting my problem to any one. Up until I was 25 I had all the girls I wanted and all the sex I could get both male and female. I had a great time , but it was also a different era where the worry of std's wasn't there. since when I was 25 I've been alone because my dysphoria crippled me mentally and socially . For the past very many years I've cried wanting to find someone to share my life , but I never did. I'm not dead because I have a beautiful belief in god. I know the madness of dysphoria , but it's truly so difficult for me to understand the option of giving up on the love of another human being . I'm transitioning at a much later age and fully enjoying my life now. I have no one except maybe a slight hope of the one person wanting me. Honestly I don't know what would of happened if I had found someone and married and had to confront my dysphoria . I'm lucky in that I'm alone and need not deal with the situation. I just wanted to say though from my perspective that having love and sharing life with someone is important in my eyes . I wish I hadn't live a life of loneness and been able to find the love you say that you have found. I truly understand the madness of dysphoria I only wish I had that opportunity to have love. Just my 2 cents

[Aina]

I know this feeling Tegan.

I haven't date much maybe once or twice when after middle-school I had not date once. Even now in college I have not date anyone. Recent days I've been blaming my dysphoria, anxiety and hiding myself behind computer games.

The only people I have is my life is family and a few friend they all close. My sister literally lives next door. I see my niece and nephew everyday. I currently live with my parents till I finish up my last semester next year, and hopefully find a full time job so I can afford my own place.

So my fear is, if I come out, and I transition that I'd loose them and then be 100% alone. I can't really think of anything more scary then that these days.

[AnnieMay]

Fear of loneliness has been the worst of all. The more I anticipate the future, the more anxious I become. But I am reminded time and again by those I respect that we are only guaranteed today. Another axiom is that we are as sick as our secrets.  Those are the axioms of most recovery programs.  For me, a life not lived, due to fear and dishonesty, is no life at all.

[EllieM]

Hi Tegan,

I'm adding my voice to the chorus here. First, let me underscore, this is not your fault, you did not plan this.

Some couples survive transition, but that is less common. While I don't think for a second that you should resign yourself to the notion that your marriage is terminal, you should entertain that outcome as being probable. I have been out to my wife for over a year, and while we are still living in the same house, it would be inaccurate to say that we are together. We still do some things together, concerts, dinners, that sort of thing, but there isn't any physical contact. Yes, I sometimes have a fear of being alone, but I would have to say that the friendships I have forged here really take the edge off. You have a great advantage in that area, as you are geographically positioned to actually meet some of us face to face. You are not alone.

If it happens that you and your wife must part, that, as painful as that would be,  is not the end. You are young, and (as I recall from your early posted selfies) quite good looking. You are intelligent. You are thoughtful. You are creative.

Teg, if the situation arises, you will overcome the fear and the ensuing emptiness, because you have options and you have friends.

I would echo Norma Lynne's advice here, take it slow. It's not a race. Keep in mind Suzi's observations: you can't control her and, you will get through this. As Julie succinctly put it: do not waste today in fear.

I hope this helps, sweetheart.
hugs,
-ellie

[Sincerely Tegan]

Thank you, everyone for your responses. I feel a bit better today. Last night, she helped me thin my eyebrows- not to a totally femme look (there's a family photo coming up soon, so this is actually preferable atm), but thinner and cleaner. I can barely put into words how much that gesture meant to me. It's not a promise of any kind, but it definitely reminds me that she is here. Right now, she is here.

I agree with the advice about taking everything slow. I only want to move forward at a pace we can both live with. One day at a time. Hopefully we can get there together if we take it one day at a time.

And, I suppose I am still young. Still, single life appeals to me nil if I have the option of keeping my marriage. About a week ago, we were out having a drink, and she said to me, "I really would hate to have to be back out in the dating scene again." We both agreed that would suck, and continued enjoying our date.

We also recently got matching tattoos- a simple design I draw for her on cards and stuff (no names or anything like that). We decided that they were to commemorate our time together, no matter what happens in the future. The tattoos were her idea, and she was really chomping at the bit to get hers.

I suppose I can read a lot of hope into that, right?

But yeah, take it slow and avoid despairing thoughts. Remember that I can love, but I can't control anyone but myself. All good advice. Got it. Thank you, all. 

Sincerely,
Tegan

[Sincerely Tegan]

Julie and Ellie,
I wouldn't say no to hearing more about how I'm allegedly attractive and/or good-looking.

,
Teg

[JulieBlair]

The nice thing about you is you don't let life get in the way of vanity.  Keep it up pretty one.   
j