Navigating the Male Gaze As a Trans Woman

[Evelyn K]

I found this post from this attractive trans woman's blog and thought others might want to read

"... I turn and walk faster towards the station. Once on the train, I grab an open seat across from a man in a business suit who smiles politely but then won't. Stop. Staring. At first I try to ignore him, hoping that he'll lose interest. When that fails, I try staring back, making sure that he's aware that I notice.  Still no luck — this only seems to encourage him. I eventually give up and hide behind the pages of the magazine I'm reading for the rest of the ride. When we arrive, I get off the train and head towards my station exit. At this point I barely notice that the eyes of several men I pass by drift in my direction. Welcome to my daily commute ..."

http://www.autostraddle.com/on-display-navigating-the-male-gaze-108521

Maybe she's on Susan's?

[Evelyn K]

A bit of gold:

"What really bothers me, however, is how much of an effect that male attention has on my mood and self-esteem, especially because I'm not even attracted to men. I dress and present the way I do because it feels comfortable and comes naturally to me. I certainly don't do it to seek the approval of the male gaze. But I'd be lying if I said that I don't feel flattered when guys hit on me.  I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe it's a case of internalized heterosexism. It could be that it feels validating on some level, after years of hating my body and watching the boys my age obsess over the girls who I wanted so desperately to be. Whatever the cause may be, I realize that this need for straight male validation is deeply problematic and it's something that I'm trying to be aware of. Though, I have to admit that the positive attention can feel empowering at times. It's kind of fun to be able to get free drinks simply by batting my eyelashes, or having random strangers rush to open doors for me. Is it wrong to exploit the patriarchy for my own advantage while fighting to dismantle it at the same time? At any rate, I'm starting to realize that the male gaze is now a constant presence in my life.  Having now experienced public visibility from both sides of the societal gender binary, I can say that I had no idea just how different it would be. The increased attention can get annoying- but there's no way that I would want things to go back to exactly the way they were before. Being a girl is too much fun!"

[mandonlym]

*sigh* yeah. Super well-written and communicates a lot of how I feel. I used to crave the attention but now it just makes me feel unsafe.

[Ms Grace]

Had some sleazy dude checking me out at the train station the other day, glad his train came before mine. Plus I've been beeped at a few times now from a few passing cars - yeah guys, that's a real turn on...

I was expecting it, still gross when it happens. And you're right, mandonlym, it does add to a sense of insecurity.

[Misato]

Then we've got the risk of what happens if our past is noticed. Case in point, I had this bum come up to me asking me for money. After a little while of harassing me with me saying no, he said, "wait! You're a dude!" At which point he thought it ok to be very graphic about where he wanted to stick his penis in me.

That sucked.

[Cindy]

To be honest this is a female experience and not limited to trans women in any way. There was a recent report that stated about 70% of women had 'unwarranted' male attention.

[Jennygirl]

Definitely sums up part of the way I feel, too.

I'm still not 100% sure of my sexual orientation (not intent on drawing lines anyway), but it does further confuse matters... do I really like guys or just when I get positive attention/feedback/kindness from them? I guess that is getting off topic a little bit, but..

There is even something different (to me) between getting positive feedback from close girlfriends as opposed to a guy friend. I cannot lie- when a guy says it, it is almost more believable or tangible in my head.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

cool

[Alainaluvsu]

It is a mixed bag of feelings depending on the circumstances, but it's not a trans issue. If male attention completely stopped towards cis women, they wouldn't like it either. These opinions have been shared with me in the same context by cis women while gabbing in the office or girl talking with friends.

I know when I get hit on, groped, or stared at, part of me is thinking "creepo... gotta get away!!!", but when I get away from the immediate threat of the situation, I reflect on it in a kind of way that's like "I still got it!!!"

Honestly I just like an engaging conversation. I was at the front desk of my job once when this onery older cajun man started talking all kinds of nonsense about how oral surgeons aren't doctors and how stupid liberals are, all women are good for is having kids, blah blah blah. The guy turned off a lot of the staff, he even said something derogatory about Asians to a Vietnamese guy that works with us. I just engaged him in conversation and was very nice about it. He said very flattering things like how he loved strong women like me and it really calmed him down.

I think that's the most empowering part of being female. We can use communication and mannerism to an extent to control the situation.

[Misato]

Honestly I just like an engaging conversation. I was at the front desk of my job once when this onery older cajun man started talking all kinds of nonsense about how oral surgeons aren't doctors and how stupid liberals are, all women are good for is having kids, blah blah blah. The guy turned off a lot of the staff, he even said something derogatory about Asians to a Vietnamese guy that works with us. I just engaged him in conversation and was very nice about it. He said very flattering things like how he loved strong women like me and it really calmed him down.

I think that's the most empowering part of being female. We can use communication and mannerism to an extent to control the situation.

I gotta figure out how to do what you did at my work. I think I could in my home life, easily. Work life...

[Alainaluvsu]

I gotta figure out how to do what you did at my work. I think I could in my home life, easily. Work life...

It's all about attitude and knowing the proper one to use per situation. With this gentleman it was a 7:3 playful to serious ratio. It helps to be able to pinpoint a personality and go along with it. I know that older men like this generally just want attention, so I gave it to him in a positive way that wasn't combative. It made his day that a young female would engage him in a friendly, yet professional conversation (something he's probably lacked for decades), and it made my day that I could diffuse a situation and, at the same time, be that person he was looking for. Win-Win situation.

[Ducks]

now days it is easy to just pull out the smart phone and plug in the earphones.

[suzifrommd]

I don't mind people checking me out.

But when someone gets me into an eyelock and won't let go, that's antisocial and predatory.

[stephaniec]

had a funny experience the other day at my therapist office a much older male was checking out my legs. It was interesting