So tonight I had one of the most awkward moments of my adult life and I feel absolutely terrible and just awful.
Okay, so I'm at work doing all nursing type stuff and a colleague walks in. We have worked together for about 5 months and once I'd got over the whole "wow I wish I could look like you" phase we became decent work acquaintances. Not super close, not by a long shot, but we do joke around and get along well, can probably never see each other even bumping into each other at the shops even but still at work, friends.
Our normal uniform consist of scrubs which are as flattering as sackcloth and she walks in dressed as if she had come straight from fashion week. I know she is a very attractive woman but work uniforms like that kind of ruin any sort of normality that you attach to people. I'm in the middle of doing something inane but I look up and literally lost my footing, stumbled and said something extremely intelligent like "Wow, you look amazing". My colleague, lets call her K, says "I felt really awkward coming straight to work like this" and goes to start her shift.
So. Well, no I didn't wolfwhistle but I feel like I may as well have. I just have this sinking feeling in my stomach that I have just done exactly what I hate. I'm still not out at work so this must have been seen by K as me, a "guy" (shudder) co-worker objectifying her. I am the exact reason why she didn't feel comfortable in coming to work dressed as she was. There is this idea that female doctors and nurses have to "slum it" to look professional just get along day to day at work but then have to put up with some random comment or reaction like mine when they show the slightest bit of being feminine.
Just yesterday I was listening on the radio about a new initiative in Australia brought over from the UK called the "everyday sexism project" where women (and men to a lesser degree) share stories about sexism they come across in everyday life. Not the big high-flying court cases but things that happened on the way to work. At work. At the shops. Things that shouldn't be acceptable in modern day society but still happen daily.
So here I am, swimming in a pool of self loathing trying to convince myself of a way of either apologising without making me look even worse (I did apologise next opportunity I had, maybe 30 mins later but other than "I'm sorry I didnt mean to say that" I think it came out as gibberish) and also to try make K feel less... objectified.
A thought came to me, is it sexism if I identify as female? Is it sexist even though I consider myself either lesbian or bi? If one of the guys walked in in a similar situation I think I would have a little more poise but still come across in a similar way of "wow, you look great", is that the same? I don't think so.
Like I said above, in nursing and medicine there is this weird internal culture of if you put in too much effort you can come across as looking desperate but also you can't necessarily come to work sans make up without opening yourself up to being considered "plain jane". We're a weird bunch. It's almost like we expect people to leave their individuality at the door and take on this ambiguous "Health professional" role, and then we are just flabbergasted when we see someone we know as their work persona in real life. Like, a real person. Where do they get off with that?!
And yes I am well aware that I do have a slight crush on K but that is nothing compared to the whole "she is cis (I believe), hetero and has a partner" thing so I learnt to let that go a LONG time ago. like a day after meeting her.
So yes, I am stuck with what to do. I so want to just scream "I'm not a guy! That totally came out the wrong way! I'm sorry." but I don't think this is the time or the place to come out. Okay, it isn't because it isn't. I kinda hoping K will remember this in a few months and rethink "oooh, it's because she thinks I look good" instead of creepy comment by weird sexist coworker.
What do you guys think? Cos I'm kinda stuck.
