What Happened?

[Shantel]

I've told this story before but no-one would see it buried in over 10K past posts so this is for the sake of others who might wonder about how one individual came to the conclusion they were non-binary as opposed to strictly MtF or FtM and I say that because I've been mistaken for both.

Back in the very early 90's I started transition thinking that I wanted to live out the rest of my years as a woman. I discussed it with a locally well known TG woman who is also a licensed MD and now specializes in TG care. She did my initial labs and prescribed full-on HRT. I discussed all this with my PTSD counselor and told her that I wanted her to sign a letter so I could get neutered by a surgeon in Portland. Being a long time lesbian and having little regard for man parts she consented. I was really on the fast track now. After the orchiectomy I now had three letters and made an appointment with a well known SRS surgeon who was consenting to perform SRS on me.

Shortly before my surgical date I was at the local hardware store discussing a plumbing problem with a man and a woman in the plumbing department. By this time I had a rather substantial mane of hair and two diamond stud earrings. I was wearing a bandana across my upper forehead and tied in back under my hair. I had not bothered to change my voice or modify it in public and so even though the boobs were evident under my sweatshirt, when I opened my mouth I sounded clearly male in my normal tenor voice. The man I was talking to was calling me ma'am and it wasn't at all uncommon by this time, but the women blurted out that I am a man and not a woman. The man kept referring to me as ma'am anyway until the woman got extremely agitated and called him a moron. It became so nasty that I left and went home.

When I got home I was in meltdown mode and pulled my ear piercings out and told my wife to get the electric clippers out that we used to cut our kids hair with and mow this sh-t off my head. I had her give me a GI Joe basic training haircut. I cancelled my SRS and got off HRT right away. I even conned the endocrinologist I had been seeing to let me give myself testosterone shots thinking that I had to man back up. That only lasted one week, I couldn't stand the effects and went without any hormonal base for two years until I became very sick because of it.

What had occurred to me later was the absurdity of having thought I was going to become a woman as it finally dawned on me that I was and have always been non-binary at the very core of my soul. It's always been evident in my thinking and personality and in every aspect of who I am and I hadn't realized it because there was no definition at the time. I went back on my female HRT as it was not toxic and corrosive on my personality and system like testosterone had been. I came back to Susan's Place and signed on as androgynous, there was no Non-Binary forum at that time it was called the Androgyne Forum. I read a lot of Ativan's and others comments all of which struck a chord with me. Eventually the forum experienced a name change to Non-Binary as it should be which presents a wonderful alternative to the strictly binary culture and from moving from one closet to yet another. It has been most liberating!

[Pikachu]

Thanks for sharing this, Auntie Shan. It's interesting to learn more about your journey of transition and it gives me a better understanding of things.

[stephaniec]

thanks

[Taka]

that story sounds familiar... maybe i've read it before, either all of it or bits and pieces.
but it's nice to see it repeated, a reminder that the seemingly obvious isn't always the right answer.

[Shantel]

I made the original post here because there's a groundswell of newer younger people coming to Susan's many of whom are uncertain and don't specifically ascribe to a strictly binary transitional solution to what they feel in their heart and soul and should be presented with all of the options rather than acquiescing and buying into the idea that they are somehow required by society to move from one confining box to another when in reality they hate living in any specific box especially if it's seen by society as well as the transgender community as some sort of psudo-mandatory requirement. If we can't accept that there is a change in the wind and make provisions here to accommodate it then the site will be in trouble eventually. We often say there are thousands of members here but an honest assessment would indicate that most have come and gone and are no longer viable as actual members. Something we need to consider and take into consideration when it comes to failure to address the needs of the non-binary phenomena is that the seven last words of a dying organization are, "We never did it that way before!"

[Mark3]

I'm very glad you shared your story again Shan, I hadn't read it before.?
Yours story is so moving, and I'm really glad you stopped yourself transitioning before it was too late.
You're right about other people not understanding, I know so many that if I mention transgender and even non binary they instantly assume its MtF or FtM, with few knowing at all the limitless gender realities in between.? 

Its great to repost this for the new members to read, they are sure to learn a lot from you, just as I am, and many others.

[VeronicaLynn]

I made the original post here because there's a groundswell of newer younger people coming to Susan's many of whom are uncertain and don't specifically ascribe to a strictly binary transitional solution to what they feel in their heart and soul and should be presented with all of the options rather than acquiescing and buying into the idea that they are somehow required by society to move from one confining box to another when in reality they hate living in any specific box especially if it's seen by society as well as the transgender community as some sort of psudo-mandatory requirement. If we can't accept that there is a change in the wind and make provisions here to accommodate it then the site will be in trouble eventually. We often say there are thousands of members here but an honest assessment would indicate that most have come and gone and are no longer viable as actual members. Something we need to consider and take into consideration when it comes to failure to address the needs of the non-binary phenomena is that the seven last words of a dying organization are, "We never did it that way before!"

Thanks for sharing this, even though I heard bits and pieces of this in your more recent posts that I had read, I didn't really know where you were coming from...unfortunately, some of the issues here are the same issues that exist in all internet message boards...I don't think this paints as bleak of a picture as it might seem...maybe some people once finding out about non-binary don't feel as much need for support...I'd like to be in that place...there are also some I'd venture that maybe blur the line between cis and non-binary or blur the line between non-binary and TS, and I think many of those people might end up identifying as cis/TS compared to identifying as non-binary. That said, this place was a better place with Ativan...

[Shantel]

Thanks for sharing this, even though I heard bits and pieces of this in your more recent posts that I had read, I didn't really know where you were coming from...unfortunately, some of the issues here are the same issues that exist in all internet message boards...I don't think this paints as bleak of a picture as it might seem...maybe some people once finding out about non-binary don't feel as much need for support...I'd like to be in that place...there are also some I'd venture that maybe blur the line between cis and non-binary or blur the line between non-binary and TS, and I think many of those people might end up identifying as cis/TS compared to identifying as non-binary. That said, this place was a better place with Ativan...

I think non binary people do need support because it's a unique place to be living somewhere in the middle and until society loosens up considerably it will be a journey fraught with some disappointments in how other people are at times. This is a place where we can all relate and commiserate and safely discuss these things among ourselves just like what is done in the other forum threads.

[Satinjoy]

I need the support, I am screwed without it.  And I am sure I am not the only one here like that.  Even the hidden viewers need us and badly too.

It can be and has been life or death, sanity or the minds collapse, someone who understands and helps, or loneliness.

Ativan has a great gift in here, out there, they have tremendous insights, and they have deep needs too.

Maybe they will return, maybe not.  The triggers of disrespect have to be gone before we could dream of selfishly asking for a return.

Meanwhile, the words remain, for some, contact remains.

And we will all carry the message of hope and grow in the process.

Blessings

Satinjoy

[Shantel]

I need the support, I am screwed without it.  And I am sure I am not the only one here like that.  Even the hidden viewers need us and badly too.

Satinjoy

You and everyone else have always got my shoulder SJ 

[Tessa James]

Thank you Shan, those were some real highs and lows you passed through!

I have know since early childhood that i was different and later that I was obviously bisexual.  I have been active in the LGBTQ world all my adult life and met many CD and TG people.  I attempted a weak transition in the 90s but quit when I felt it would be impossible to ever feel like a real or passable woman.  Virtually all of the trans people I met were of the binary perspective and I could not see myself there even if i knew i was not a man.  Finally in 2012 I attended a diversity conference with a speaker from Basic Rights Oregon who presented as non binary and non gendered.  They totally blew my cover and I got so agitated that i left early.  I was out about being bi but couldn't accept being transgender till then.  My wife had also attended and met a gender therapist and told me she was making an appointment to see her and I should think about it too.  My darling partner knew about my cross dressing and transgender feelings all along and held my hand tightly through that early start.  She now introduces me as her wife and I just love it.

We are all unique and have a special journey to enjoy.  I try not to compare myself with cis and trans women who have their own path with just as many twists and turns as ours but perhaps with some different goals in their sights?  I also like to think of myself as a girl and feminine person especially in transition as it simplifies when explaining who I am.  I may yet consider myself a transwoman but am in no hurry and willing to see if i mature into that identity.  This is a second and very good feeling puberty, especially compared to the first.  I learn so much from all of the great people here who share their personal truths, triumphs and travails.  Thanks for sharing.

[Shantel]

That goes both ways Tessa, thank you for sharing too sis!

[JulieBlair]

Shan,

Thank you for your story.  You have always seemed such a rock to me that I actually kind of like knowing of your struggle.  That you have transcended the angst and confusion to become the remarkable strong and loving person I know, both makes me shed a tear and don a smile.  Blessings upon you my friend.

Julie.

[Shantel]

Shan,

Thank you for your story.  You have always seemed such a rock to me that I actually kind of like knowing of your struggle.  That you have transcended the angst and confusion to become the remarkable strong and loving person I know, both makes me shed a tear and don a smile.  Blessings upon you my friend.

Julie.

Thanks Julie,
         When we meet in person I will squeeze you hard girlfriend, you're just too sweet!

[Jaded Jade]

I just wanted to say thanks to you Shantel, and to Ativan, because yours were some of the voices that resonated with me and let me plot my best course forward.

Long ago when I first visited Susan's and other sites trying to figure myself out, there was no voice for non-binary or androgyne options.  And while there is some B/NB tension here today, back then they flat called ->-bleeped-<- on anyone who was in the middle.  Cost me nearly a decade figuring out my GD/GID.  But now the Androgyn/Nonbinary section here and elsewhere has given me enough knowledge and understanding to save my self.

So thank you.

I just hope that my posts can help others one day too.


- Jade

[Shantel]

I just hope that my posts can help others one day too.

- Jade

Absolutely does, and you count big time Jade, glad you're here standing up with us!