I'm at the end of my rope; family, transition, dysphoria...

[androgynouspainter26]

I really need to vent right now, and I don't really have anywhere else to go with this...these last few days have left me in a really awful place, and I just don't know what to do.  Sorry for the wall of text-I have a lot to get off of my woefully flat chest.

I've been at collage for the past few months, and it's been ok, not perfect (drama, stressful 6-course schedule, not many friends, no trans friends), so I was looking forward to coming home and having some time to rest.  My family and I have never gotten along, especially since I started transitioning two years ago, but somehow I thought things would be different if we had some time apart.  Things have always been wrong between us, I know that.  Neither of them were never emotionally available or anything like that, and the trans* issues add another really awful layer to the whole thing.  I remember this perfectly-when I was six years old, about to turn something, all I wanted for my birthday was a doll and a dress.  I'd been playing "dress up" at a friend's house for years, and all I wanted was to be able to be myself, I guess at home.  They never told me what I wanted was wrong.  They never tried to change me, at least not outright.  They said nothing.   I turned seven, and a friend gave me what I had asked for-I was so happy.  So without saying a word, they made sure I never had a single birthday party after that.  The dress went missing from my closet one day; my mom even helped me look.  I know better though.

I realize that it could be a lot worse-they're not religious, and it's not like they're rejecting the very notion of me being transgender, transsexual, genderqueer, whatever labels I use.  But in a way this is worse...when I first came out, I was met with a lot of total rejection.  I was fine with it-I cut my losses and moved on.  It was actually empowering, in an odd way.  With my parents though, it's not even that they have a problem with trans* people.  My dad actually has a good friend who transitioned from female to male a while ago...it's that they have a problem with ME being trans.  My mother said to me, "I believe that there are some people for whom this is just something they can't help, but I think there's something else going on with you".   Their current theory is that I'm autistic (I'm not) and that this is a "fixation", which is characteristic of the condition (this isn't).   They're not rejecting transgender people; they're rejecting me, and the notion that I know who and what I am better than they do.  And this attitude keeps coming up again and again, not only with my gender but when we talk about school, when they mock whomever I'm dating...all of it.  For years and years I convinced myself that they way they were treating me was MY fault, that I had to change because I was "wrong"...I still don't really know if I'm not.

When I got home after a long car trip, I went upstairs because I was feeling sick, and I heard mother and father talking downstairs...they kept saying "he, he, he" over again, and at first I thought they were talking about something from work-and then I realized, they were talking about me.  It made no sense, because they always use female pronouns around me at this point.  It's invalidating, it makes me feel sick, and I don't know why they're doing this.  And this is one of hundreds of little things they do, all of them invalidating and insulting.  The idea of spending the next month in this house is a horrifying one, and I don't know how I'm going to survive.

And the most horrifying thing of all is just that nothing has gotten better, even after all I've tried-here, or in other aspects of my transition.  I'm at my two-year anniversary for going full time.  Everyone says I should be happy, but I'm not-I see where I am, and I really don't like it.  The hormones have done virtually nothing (negligible breast growth and facial changes, hair reduction is the only change really) after well over a year.  I still don't pass for a genetic female, even when I wear makeup.  I thought I'd have the option to go stealth by now, and instead I'm trying to come up with an extra thirty grand for FFS-still with no guarantee that things will change. I started transitioning at 17-everyone told me my outlook was good...were they lying?  Did they not know any better?

I've begun to second-guess my decision to transition.  Not because I'm not happier, healthier, and better off as a women-but because I feel like my life might be better if I was a man, despite the dysphoria.  As a guy, I was very attractive, and I received so much more respect.  Nobody harassed me (not near as much as they do now, anyways), and I wasn't being avoided like the plague when it came to dating, I wasn't so utterly alone.  I hated my body, but I still hate my body now.  I felt uncomfortable, but I still feel that way.

I'm finally wondering if I would I rather be an attractive, successful, and privileged "gay" (but really pansexual) man or an ugly, masculine, and "fake" woman, and I'm not sure what the answer is.  I'm two years down the road now, and I can honestly say that if this is as good as it's going to get, I think I made a mistake.  I just don't know what to do...if I press on with surgery, and I still can't pass, and be seen as normal for just an instant, then I'll be beyond the point of no return.   I'd be "freakish" and "abnormal" as male or as female.  But if I go back-well, that can't exactly be reversed either.  I'm clinging to this notion that I might one day be able to fit in...and for me personally, that is what I need to be happy.  I am not capable of loving myself enough to not care what the rest of the world thinks-not capable of loving myself at all, possibly.

Anyways, sorry for going on like this...I just don't know what to do.  I'm really at the end of my rope, and I'm just so afraid that things aren't going to get any better for me.

Thanks,
Sasha

[JulieBlair]

Kinda sucks huh.  The place that should be safe and supportive isn't, the boobie fairie took a powder, what to do?  From my reading you identify as a woman, and always have.  To go back to pretending to be a guy, even a gay one won't buy you peace.  I hoped I was gay once, I really didn't want to be trans.  Gave it a shot - the short story is it didn't work.  Gay men are first and foremost men.  Buy and large they relish being a guy, and respond to each other and the world that way.  Red wine, white wine is still wine.  We are another drink altogether.

HRT really ought to have worked better for you, but didn't.  Just not fair.  From your picture I see a girl, attractive and a little sad but a girl for sure.  So where does that leave you?  Save up for FFS and a boob job? Maybe, tough to do that while in school, and quitting college is a sucker's bet.  I tried that a few times too.  Get it done while you can without trying to work full time, pay a mortgage, support people.  That is really hard.

So can you find happiness and support elsewhere, play whatever game they want you to play at home, endure, and remain healthy and sane?  I don't know if I could - probably not actually, but can you.

Life is so very tough, and so very beautiful.  The trick is to find the beauty and spend as much time as possible in its light.  There are most certainly trans people at the university, but we are mostly a shy lot just trying to get by.  Can you connect with the LGBTQ groups on campus?  Is there a trans support group in your city?  Are you seeing a counselor?  Two years full time doesn't mean you have to do this solo.  Solo sucks, there is power in connecting.

I guess where I am going with this is to affirm that to abandon an authentic life is, in some very important ways, to abandon life itself.  I cannot crawl back into the closet, and I hope that you do not either.  Being Julie, has cost me a lot. Not being Julie would cost me everything. 

Is it like that for you?  This forum extends to the real world too if you choose to let it and are willing to take that risk.  Not everyone here is an angel, but there are a lot of angels in these rooms.  Some near you, and a lot with other than silver hair; find them, be a friend, there is strength in numbers.  You cannot control anything except your attitude and enthusiasm for life.  Your parents will continue to be as they are, maybe they will find acceptance, maybe not, it isn't your call.  But they don't define you any more, you do.

Good luck and hang in there, it will change.

Julie

[stephaniec]

I really need to vent right now, and I don't really have anywhere else to go with this...these last few days have left me in a really awful place, and I just don't know what to do.  Sorry for the wall of text-I have a lot to get off of my woefully flat chest.

I've been at collage for the past few months, and it's been ok, not perfect (drama, stressful 6-course schedule, not many friends, no trans friends), so I was looking forward to coming home and having some time to rest.  My family and I have never gotten along, especially since I started transitioning two years ago, but somehow I thought things would be different if we had some time apart.  Things have always been wrong between us, I know that.  Neither of them were never emotionally available or anything like that, and the trans* issues add another really awful layer to the whole thing.  I remember this perfectly-when I was six years old, about to turn something, all I wanted for my birthday was a doll and a dress.  I'd been playing "dress up" at a friend's house for years, and all I wanted was to be able to be myself, I guess at home.  They never told me what I wanted was wrong.  They never tried to change me, at least not outright.  They said nothing.   I turned seven, and a friend gave me what I had asked for-I was so happy.  So without saying a word, they made sure I never had a single birthday party after that.  The dress went missing from my closet one day; my mom even helped me look.  I know better though.

I realize that it could be a lot worse-they're not religious, and it's not like they're rejecting the very notion of me being transgender, transsexual, genderqueer, whatever labels I use.  But in a way this is worse...when I first came out, I was met with a lot of total rejection.  I was fine with it-I cut my losses and moved on.  It was actually empowering, in an odd way.  With my parents though, it's not even that they have a problem with trans* people.  My dad actually has a good friend who transitioned from female to male a while ago...it's that they have a problem with ME being trans.  My mother said to me, "I believe that there are some people for whom this is just something they can't help, but I think there's something else going on with you".   Their current theory is that I'm autistic (I'm not) and that this is a "fixation", which is characteristic of the condition (this isn't).   They're not rejecting transgender people; they're rejecting me, and the notion that I know who and what I am better than they do.  And this attitude keeps coming up again and again, not only with my gender but when we talk about school, when they mock whomever I'm dating...all of it.  For years and years I convinced myself that they way they were treating me was MY fault, that I had to change because I was "wrong"...I still don't really know if I'm not.

When I got home after a long car trip, I went upstairs because I was feeling sick, and I heard mother and father talking downstairs...they kept saying "he, he, he" over again, and at first I thought they were talking about something from work-and then I realized, they were talking about me.  It made no sense, because they always use female pronouns around me at this point.  It's invalidating, it makes me feel sick, and I don't know why they're doing this.  And this is one of hundreds of little things they do, all of them invalidating and insulting.  The idea of spending the next month in this house is a horrifying one, and I don't know how I'm going to survive.

And the most horrifying thing of all is just that nothing has gotten better, even after all I've tried-here, or in other aspects of my transition.  I'm at my two-year anniversary for going full time.  Everyone says I should be happy, but I'm not-I see where I am, and I really don't like it.  The hormones have done virtually nothing (negligible breast growth and facial changes, hair reduction is the only change really) after well over a year.  I still don't pass for a genetic female, even when I wear makeup.  I thought I'd have the option to go stealth by now, and instead I'm trying to come up with an extra thirty grand for FFS-still with no guarantee that things will change. I started transitioning at 17-everyone told me my outlook was good...were they lying?  Did they not know any better?

I've begun to second-guess my decision to transition.  Not because I'm not happier, healthier, and better off as a women-but because I feel like my life might be better if I was a man, despite the dysphoria.  As a guy, I was very attractive, and I received so much more respect.  Nobody harassed me (not near as much as they do now, anyways), and I wasn't being avoided like the plague when it came to dating, I wasn't so utterly alone.  I hated my body, but I still hate my body now.  I felt uncomfortable, but I still feel that way.

I'm finally wondering if I would I rather be an attractive, successful, and privileged "gay" (but really pansexual) man or an ugly, masculine, and "fake" woman, and I'm not sure what the answer is.  I'm two years down the road now, and I can honestly say that if this is as good as it's going to get, I think I made a mistake.  I just don't know what to do...if I press on with surgery, and I still can't pass, and be seen as normal for just an instant, then I'll be beyond the point of no return.   I'd be "freakish" and "abnormal" as male or as female.  But if I go back-well, that can't exactly be reversed either.  I'm clinging to this notion that I might one day be able to fit in...and for me personally, that is what I need to be happy.  I am not capable of loving myself enough to not care what the rest of the world thinks-not capable of loving myself at all, possibly.

Anyways, sorry for going on like this...I just don't know what to do.  I'm really at the end of my rope, and I'm just so afraid that things aren't going to get any better for me.

Thanks,
Sasha

your picture looks nice. You have to do what's best for you not what you think will please others because you have to live in your skin. transition or not it's what's going to make you happiest.

[Jess42]

It really is a shame but people like to consider themselves open minded and accepting of everyone, unless that someone is someone they are close to and would rather keep who they think they should be, that means you. Does that make sense?

I do not see an ugly woman in the picture, far from it. You have to do what makes you happiest, yeah, I know all the freakin' cliche's. But taking charge of your own life and destiny, like you mentioned, is extremely powerful and safisying.

Now about the "ugly" part. Like I said, you are far from being an ugly woman. The problem is that when we look at ourselves we know all the "ugly" truths about ourselves, who we were, who we sometimes still feel we are or actually still are and that morphs and can distort the image we see in the mirror. What we see and what others see in our appearance is totally different. We are our own worst critic when it comes to our looks.

For the moment you seem to be down on yourself. HRT you said negligable breast growth, Well hon, A lot of guys like small breast, more than what you may think. Yes big greast gets a girl noticed but believe me, in the long run small ones stay perky while bigger ones start to sag. That is a bright side you can look at. And by the way I know a couple of ciswomen that look way more masculine than you do.

Maybe it is time for a change, move to a place that is more accpeting if you don't feel accepted. Find a place to start anew and people that you meet get to meet you without knowing that image of who you used to be.

[Dee Marshall]

Sasha, you may have said this and I missed it. I'm the last person to want you to expose yourself, but can you give us the general region your college is in? Maybe one of us is close enough to get to you and give you some face to face support.

Dee

[arbon]

What's in your heart? If you are a woman then living as a man is going to be difficult. Did you experience gender dysphoria before you transitioned? Do you now? If you go back will it come back? Is GD better then not being entirely passable?

How can you be a "fake" woman if you are a woman?

Transition is not an easy thing and there are no guarantees on how passable you will be. But even if you are not as passable as you wished it does not mean you cannot have a good life or that you are a freak. Lots of us do manage regardless. I  still get crap from time to time, not everyone around me accepts me as a woman. For the most part I have learned to let it go, what they think or do does not matter because I am living my life as I need to, for me. I know who I am today and no one will take that away from me.

You say you don't know how to love yourself, thats what you need to work on. Take care of yourself, listen to what is inside you. If you do think you are really a man then go back. But if you are a woman then respect who you are and be yourself.

[Allyda]

Hi Sasha. In your Avatar picture I see a pretty girl with a slender neck, and great facial features. I know coming from someone you don't know that doesn't mean much, but it still doesn't change what I see. Now let's be immaginative for a moment: I bet before hrt you didn't have that pretty slender neck, your thick head of hair, or that softer skin? You most likely had more of an upper body than you do now, and lets not forget the reduction in body hair you mentioned. And, I'm willing to bet I'm only scratching the surface. Having small breast can be dissapointing I know. I myself don't have much in the booby department. I know I'm only a little over 4 months in with my hrt, but I remember my biological mom had small boobs (she died in a car accident when I was little) and the concensus is that you can expect to only be about the same size as your mom or a little less in most cases. So even though I'm only a little over 4 months in, I don't expect to be very spectacular in the booby department. It's even worse as I watch the rest of my body change considerably for the better while not having a whole lot of breast development. Right now I'd be lucky to fill an A cup.

I suppose what I'm getting at here, is that each and every one of us develop differently on hrt. I have a 64 year old Trans girlfriend who's filling a D cup after only a little over 4 months on hrt. And while she has the boobs I have drop dead gorgeous legs -I've been told so by many. As others have undoubtably pointed out, when it comes to ourselves we tend to be a bit overcritical of our shortcomings, and sell ourselves short. So while you may not have the greatest boobys, I'm willing to bet you have another feature that does turn heads.

I can also sympathsize with you when it comes to your parents. I've had go it with no family support whatsoever.

Getting back to your hrt concerns: have you talked to your Endo about the issues your having?, or therapist? Either one might be able to help you sort out some issues. Another thing, 6 college courses can cause you a lot of stress, and that stress coupled with the stress from the issues with your parents misgendering you is not helping things. I guess the best advice I can give here is to talk with your Endo about your breast and other issues you may be having concerning your hrt, and talk with your therapist about the problems with your parents. And meanwhile, you have many many wonderful and supportive ladies, myself included, here on this site for support. This is a family here I know I'm happy to be part of that's helped me through a few rough patches, so we're here for you.

All my best wishes,

Hugs

Ally

[androgynouspainter26]

Thanks to everyone for the kindness-it really does mean a lot.  I suppose I'm just a bit disappointed with how everything has been going, like everyone is at some time or another.  I feel like I just need to let go of my family, and accept that we will never have a healthy, worthwhile relationship.  After these past few days, I can honestly say that as soon as I graduate from collage and don't need their money, I would be perfectly happy to never see my mother and father ever again-and I think this with a broad smile on my face. 

Another part of my trouble is that I don't really have any support at all, so to speak of.  My few cis friends don't really understand any of this and don't want to hear about it, and the one close trans* friend I have has her own issues to deal with. The queer community on my campus still has a (probably justified) grudge against me after I accidentally outed someone (I'm still waiting for him to graduate), and finding other resources is tricky as well-I'm just outside New York city, with a wide breadth of resources available, but I just don't have the time to seek any of it out.  Without giving too much away, I am a student at a very rigorous arts conservatory, and this incredibly stressful lifestyle is unavoidable (unless I give up my career, essentially).  It's insane though, not even having time to see a therapist anymore.  Ahh, well...I'm just going on at this point. 

Things have gotten better, that's for sure-I just wish they could be better enough.  I'm on this journey completely alone, and it becomes a bit too much sometimes....I didn't realize going into this how A. little help and support there would be, and B. How ceaseless this process is.  I thought that by the time I turned 20, I'd be done, happy, and complete.  That I might be able to put this part of my life behind me.  I turn 20 in september, and I'm still saving up for top surgery...I suppose I'm just wishing I didn't have to deal with it anymore.  I choose to transition not because I "am" male or female-but because given the option to choose, I knew be so much happier as the latter.  I'm a perfectionist, and things aren't yet anywhere near perfect.  Plus, let's face it-being perpetually single isn't fun either.  Especially when you're gay like I am, and option-wise, you're really screwed-and not in the good sense of the word

[Jess42]

Hon, I hate to tell you it will never be over. A human, by nature, is a continious work in progress no matter if in the LGBT community or cisgendered.

You mentioned you are perfectionist. Nothing or no one is perfect and if we obsess over making ourselves and the world around us perfect, we fail everytime. A perfect world would be a predictable world and unpredictablity is way more adventurous.

[androgynouspainter26]

Do you ever get the feeling though that you need to be SEEN as perfect, even if you don't need to be?  Anyone who wants a clean, polished life is a fool indeed!  But the rejection that comes along with being so different is something I'm just sick of.

[Jess42]

Do you ever get the feeling though that you need to be SEEN as perfect, even if you don't need to be?  Anyone who wants a clean, polished life is a fool indeed!  But the rejection that comes along with being so different is something I'm just sick of.

No, I don't feel I need to be seen as perfect, or anyone else for that matter. It's not perfection inside or out, percieved or real but rather those imperfections that build and give us character and uniqueness. In my opinion, a so called perfect world would be more of an Orwellian world. Everyone dressed perfect the perfect height and so on. How much fun would that be? BTW those people that do seem perfect, scratch the surface a little and a lot have way bigger problems than we do.

Rejection now. Rejection is something that everyone deals with no matter what. Inclusive groups, sports teams, people we are attracted to and so on. Society. I actually don't mind rejection and being different and believe me I am different. You are accepted here with open arms. Society doesn't have to accept me and in the same turn I don't have to accept society either. I truly is OK to live outside the "norm". There are plenty of us that do. A longtime ago I quit trying to live up to societal norms. The funny thing is when you try to fit into society, it seems so much to reject you, if you quit trying and live your life the way you want it seems that there is a lot less rejection.

[EllieM]

You know, Sasha, I read a lot of great replies to your post. No point in me going on at length, there's a wealth of good advice already here. I will reiterate one point, I think this deserves emphasis. You are a pretty girl Sasha. The only point I would add to all of the foregoing is this: don't quit your parents. You may want to put some safe distance between them and you for the time being, but don't write them off completely. I know that the damage is done, but they may yet come around, for whatever that is worth.

[Allyda]

You know, Sasha, I read a lot of great replies to your post. No point in me going on at length, there's a wealth of good advice already here. I will reiterate one point, I think this deserves emphasis. You are a pretty girl Sasha. The only point I would add to all of the foregoing is this: don't quit your parents. You may want to put some safe distance between them and you for the time being, but don't write them off completely. I know that the damage is done, but they may yet come around, for whatever that is worth.

This is good advice concerning your parents. Given time they may come around so as EllieM advises I'd just give them some space, back away, and let them think about things.

As always best wishes hun

Ally

[Shantel]

Sasha,
     Having once built beautiful houses for wealthy people to live in I also suffered from perfectionism to the extent that I made life miserable for everyone else involved in the construction process even threatening to kill a few people for minor mistakes they made in the finish. Eventually circumstances caused me to take stock of my illness. I recovered over time and began to enjoy life so much more by lowering my expectations of others and myself a few notches. This is a means of living a much happier and more successful life which can't be quantified or measured in human terms, it's more of a spiritual thing. Take time to reconsider what is really important along with some of the nice advice you have received from others here. You are a beautiful person in transition, it's a journey and you're not alone, we are all here on that same road with you holding hands so don't give in to the negative feelings of falling short of perfection, lighten up and you will prevail.

[Joanna Dark]

Not to throw gas on a fire, but this is the thing I hate about the whole age thing. People, especially younger people, harp that the younger you start the better the results and age has nothing to do with anything. It is all genetics. Not luck. Not age. Not pills, pellets, P shots or this or that. You are going to feminize as much as you're going to feminize. I started at 30. I passed in three months and after 15 months can't pass as a man without makeup, in men's clothes, with stubble, and my regular voice. If I started younger, yeah it prolly woulda been even better. But if I started younger. Different strokes and all...

I'm not trying to make you sad and I really feel for you, but at this point if you've been on HRT for that long and don't pass even with makeup and all then FFS might be your only choice. or detransition. You get one life as far as I know. I mean if your this unhappy, maybe stop for a little bit. I know that's heresy around these parts but I never have been one to wave pom poms and when i tried to join the football team in seventh grade they laughed and pointed to the table where I can sign up as a cheerleader as girls don't play football. Yeah, that was fun. My friends got a reall hoot out of that. So, genetics.

It sucks. bad. But you have to consider your options. I mean what else can you do? If your miserable, don't stay that way if it never changes. Cause for real, after two years, there should be at least some changes. I wish you the best and I hope I didn't offend. I was only trying to keep it real...hope it didn't go wrong. xoxoxox

EDIT: If I were you, I would start saving now or building credit and get FFS. But that's me. That will work. And there's BA. SRS and a bunch of other trans acronyms

double edit: i DONT THINK YOU NEED FFS, i THINK YOU SHOULD DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER. I JUST GET BITCHED OUT AND REPORTED SO iM DONE WITH THIS SITE.

[Allyda]

I think we all need to take a step back, and re-read Androgynouspainter26's original post. It seems some of you are missing one important fact: Though she has been living full time as a woman for 2 years, she's only been on hormones for 1 year.

Hun, really some of us truly are late bloomers. You have another full year of hrt to go before you will experience the minimum, yes, I say minimum of feminizing effects of hrt. You've come this far in the face of adversity with your family, etc., which I greatly commend you for, so why not go the whole distance? Also, during this second year it will give you the opportunity to back away from your parents a little to allow them a little space to come to terms fully with the new you. And more so, this will releive at least some of the stress you've been under. As for your breast concerns talk to your Endo. It's possible your dosage needs adjusted. You'll never know unless you try, and if you give up now you'll always have the regret in the back of your mind for not going the full distance on hormones.

Please don't misunderstand sweetie I'm not trying to pressure you into anything. I'm just pointing out possibilities you could be overlooking. Please just think about what has been said here, and the great advice you've been given by these wonderful ladies. We're a family here and your part of that family. We'll support you whatever you decide. Also, you might think about letting your parents know how much it hurts you when they misgender you behind your back. Tell them in a nice way, but show in your emotions and facial expressions how much that hurts you. Then give them that time to come to terms with things.

I'll leave it there because I believe everything else has been said. But if you need a one on one, feel free to pm me. I'd be happy to help if I can.

Best wishes hun,

Hugs

Ally

[Evelyn K]

Kinda sucks huh.  The place that should be safe and supportive isn't, the boobie fairie took a powder, what to do?  From my reading you identify as a woman, and always have.  To go back to pretending to be a guy, even a gay one won't buy you peace.  I hoped I was gay once, I really didn't want to be trans.  Gave it a shot - the short story is it didn't work.  Gay men are first and foremost men.  Buy and large they relish being a guy, and respond to each other and the world that way.  Red wine, white wine is still wine.  We are another drink altogether.

HRT really ought to have worked better for you, but didn't.  Just not fair.  From your picture I see a girl, attractive and a little sad but a girl for sure.  So where does that leave you?  Save up for FFS and a boob job? Maybe, tough to do that while in school, and quitting college is a sucker's bet.  I tried that a few times too.  Get it done while you can without trying to work full time, pay a mortgage, support people.  That is really hard.

So can you find happiness and support elsewhere, play whatever game they want you to play at home, endure, and remain healthy and sane?  I don't know if I could - probably not actually, but can you.

Life is so very tough, and so very beautiful.  The trick is to find the beauty and spend as much time as possible in its light.  There are most certainly trans people at the university, but we are mostly a shy lot just trying to get by.  Can you connect with the LGBTQ groups on campus?  Is there a trans support group in your city?  Are you seeing a counselor?  Two years full time doesn't mean you have to do this solo.  Solo sucks, there is power in connecting.

I guess where I am going with this is to affirm that to abandon an authentic life is, in some very important ways, to abandon life itself.  I cannot crawl back into the closet, and I hope that you do not either.  Being Julie, has cost me a lot. Not being Julie would cost me everything. 

Is it like that for you?  This forum extends to the real world too if you choose to let it and are willing to take that risk.  Not everyone here is an angel, but there are a lot of angels in these rooms.  Some near you, and a lot with other than silver hair; find them, be a friend, there is strength in numbers.  You cannot control anything except your attitude and enthusiasm for life.  Your parents will continue to be as they are, maybe they will find acceptance, maybe not, it isn't your call.  But they don't define you any more, you do.

Good luck and hang in there, it will change.

Julie

Julie you come through always as the most genuine and sincerely compassionate person I've ever read on the web.

Thank you.

[Miss_Bungle1991]

It is all genetics. Not luck. Not age. Not pills, pellets, P shots or this or that. You are going to feminize as much as you're going to feminize.

True.