My whole life I have been super-structured, and in control of my emotions. I could tell you exactly what I ate for breakfast and could plan out my life direction years in advance and usually land in a close proximity to what I had intended come the point in time I had it all worked out. I predicted "something like" 9/11, a war (that came as a result from 9/11), an economic recession...so, I went ahead and joined the military and got a "non-combat" job in the Air Force for the job security, as I seen this whole country going to the Pit and figured I should protect myself financially as much as possible. I planned on being retired by the age of 40, so I worked towards that from the age of 18...20 years in the service and I could have been out by 38...and, well, things worked out in a strange way and I was retired at 20. A little sooner than I hoped and not quite the way I had planned but hey, mission accomplished, right? Be careful what you wish for! Not too many people retire these days, especially not as young as I have. Now I have all the time in the world to read, write, draw, transition ya da da da...so, to keep myself sane, I try to do as much as I can with myself.
Just because I am retired, doesn't mean I can't have some direction, right? So I planned for the next 30 years of my life...something we INTJs are known for...and headed full-steam ahead into that. Things were putting along as planned and then POW! I remembered I wanted to transition. So I went back to the drawing board, made some changes to the plan...which has always been more of a guideline to make room for error...and went from there.
I was never good in math so much but I am good in abstracts and patterns: good at seeing into the future so to speak, making me seem as if I was years ahead of everyone else I know. People used to come to me for everything, advice about this and advice about that. However, since I decided to go through with the transition I have lost my "intuition." I went from playing chess with life to playing checkers. The plans I had are up in smoke now as I danced all over the board and kicked all the pieces everywhere. I will make a post I don't even want to make, say stuff almost impulsively, and forget what I said 5 minutes ago. I no longer give sound advice like I used to so I avoid doing it at all these days as usually it involves things like blowtorches, vasoline, Mt. Dew, and disgruntled bovine.
Don't ask me how this is all going to help you keep your girlfriend, okay? It just is! Damn it!
I still feel as if I am as intelligent as I ever was, but this "impulsive" behavior is something I am not quite used to. A few years back I over-masculinized myself, then a few months back I over-feminized myself...and now I have settled into a sort of "genderfluid/third gender" state that I finally feel centered at. If I follow my typical MO I will go from being a 30-year planner like I was, to an impulsive person I am now, and then settling somewhere in the middle in the future...playing a game less complicated then chess but more demanding than checkers. Perhaps "chesskers" is the game I will play?
I get really embarrassed when I make a post based purely on impulse/emotion, especially since it is not something I am used to. Sometimes I realize what I did so I have to go back and erase it...that is, if I remember that I even posted it.
This is a piss and moan/apology in advance for anything brash or outright stupid I may say. I'm a work in progress...but aren't we all? I try not to make excuses, but by Bob I want to make some now so deal with it!
If you find a post of me talking about me doing that one thing in that one place with that one person, I was, uh, drunk. I assume zero responsability for my actions and instead blame it all on the alcohol that I don't even drink.
