Tired of being Stealth

[Jessi Lee 1970]

I've never denied to myself that I was born with a male body caging in a beautiful girl hidden from view. My family had "talks" with me from 5-7 years old on why I was a boy and that was how it is and I believe my parents believed it was just a faze that I went thru. Of course, I learned it was more painful to me to be told I wasn't allowed to be a girl, and so I hid me from the world as most of us have done. After serving in the Army (1992) I almost transitioned at the age of 22 because my dysphoria was so strong, but my divorced mother had a suicidal boyfriend so I felt my issues could wait. Boyfriends and girlfriends happened and then marriage to a woman who came out herself as a lesbian ended a 7 year relationship with children that I had to take care of myself alone.
During that breakup I almost transitioned again in 2002, but I met my current female spouse and it was just easier for me to raise kids (plus two more) as a male. But now, my dysphoria seems to be the worst it ever has been. My dad's gone so he can't tell me I'm just imagining it. But I'm 44 now. I think back and realize I could have been happy for the last 22 years instead of just cruising through life in a never ending holding pattern.
To the world I'm a good looking, successful blue-collar worker in a dangerous job raising fantastic kids that are going to college soon. Why would I mess with that? I know why of course. Its all pretend, its not me.
I am working with my therapist to smooth things out, but my spouse wants to know why I'm therapy and just saying its a problem from childhood is driving her crazy. I have child issue, spouse issues, job issues. The only thing I am sure of is that I don't believe I have the strength to stop my pretend male shell from crumbling completely apart this time and I don't want to stop it. I have lived up to the world's expectations for 44 years... I think I deserve a reward.

Sorry, just rambling, frustrated like so many others here. My stuff hasn't hit the fan yet, but it feels like its not that far off...

[Michaela Whimsy]

Jessi, I feel the same way lately.  My family as a child just pushed it aside, apparently boys aren't supposed to have feeling' much less feel like a girl.  The ,masrine corps and spousal problems that led to divorce and then a 4 year drunk fest that got me nowhere except in fights with fellow marines and friends because I would befriend their wives.  I don't know how many I have heard wives unsuccessfully use the line " he's more like a girlfriend!".  Organic relationships with female friends have been hard to find with my work and my hobbies (both of which are mostly male dominated).  Women always think I'm hitting on them.  Having my " girlfriends", speaking as a girl, always got me over, but lately that's not there for me so I too am going crazy lately wanting to come out without destroying what I have built my life to be.

[Jessi Lee 1970]

Thank you Michaela. Sometimes I wish I could just produce a document to the world that says, "Hey, look how much she has sacrificed and tortured herself over just to make all of you feel better and not uncomfortable in her presence. She deserves a medal not your ire."
Sorry feeling low today. Still stuck in a confused state of cowardice and self-martyrdom in not telling my spouse yet...

[Jill F]

I understand completely, Jessi.

We're about the same age, and I was able to suck it up and contain it all until I was 43, In fact, I had never even worn women's clothing until then (although I always wanted to).   Dysphoria does get worse with age, and it eventually damned near killed me via alcohol.  Taking a therapeutic dose of estrogen at first was the only thing that ever brought me anywhere close to relief from the dysphoria.

My wife was the first one to know, and I turned out to be one of the lucky ones whose marriage survived.  I knew that I was going to be damned if I told her and damned if I didn't for keeping this to myself, but if I kept it to myself for any longer and didn't start taking measures to combat the dypshoria that I was likely going to go insane or die within weeks.  I also felt that keeping my deepest, darkest secret from my wife any longer would have been more of a betrayal than letting her in on why I had become so depressed and miserable all the time.   After I told her, she admitted that she thought she would come home to find me dead one day soon, and was glad I told her why.  Her acceptance took some time and processing, but I think bringing her to therapy one day really helped drive it home.  My wife is awesome, BTW.

All the best to you and your family,
Jill

[Jessi Lee 1970]

Thank u Jill. You and your wife, are one of my inspirations. I have decided to bring my s.o. to a meeting with my therapist, but I need one or two visits first just to sort out my emotions and thoughts. I tend to be impulsive and always end up shooting myself in the foot. I want to do things right by her if I am able.
I can't stop what's happening this time... its a force of nature and I want to soften as many blows as I can.
Thank you to everyone on here who deals with my ups and downs.
Love, Jessi

[FTMDiaries]

I recognise so much of what you're saying.

I'm a '71 model myself, and I also felt dysphoric from the age of 5. Like you, I very soon learned to shut up about my gender issues when I faced constant criticism, correction and denial from my folks, not to mention the ridicule I experienced from my peers. I also threw myself into stereotypical activities to try to force myself to figure out how to be happy living as my birth sex; in my case, that involved marriage and childbirth. But none of it ever worked and my dysphoria increased with age. Then when I was 40 I finally got to the point you believe you're getting to: that point of no return where the stress of trying to live a lie has become overwhelming, and you know for certain that you simply can't carry on pretending to be something you're not.

Unfortunately, my experience with my family has been very different than Jill's. Not only is my husband very much heterosexual, he is also homophobic and, it turns out, transphobic too - so he made the decision that he wanted to end our sexual relationship and our marriage. We're still living together under the same roof to try to provide as stable an environment as possible for our teenage daughters, but it's an awkward arrangement. In the meantime, we're both finding it difficult to move on & find new partners whilst we're still living under the same roof.

So my advice to you is to explore this possibility in your preparatory sessions with your therapist, before you take your SO with you. I truly hope she'll respond positively, but it'd be helpful for you to prepare for the possibility that she might not.

I have to say though: even though coming out has cost me my marriage, several other relationships and my privacy... I've never been happier within myself than I am now that I'm living a more authentic life. Everybody deserves the right to be themselves.