Hello, everyone. My name is Bob, and I'm 21 years old this coming Saturday. This post is going to be very, very long, but if any of you kind souls could spare a little bit for me, I'd be grateful.
I'm posting here because it came up while doing some research, and I'm not going to lie; I'm honestly hoping to hear from the community that I'm overreacting and not transgender. However, I'm going to keep an open mind about this and will accept whatever may happen after I share this.
I was reading a story about a gay man whose friend had fallen into drug use over his teenage years, and they broke contact. The friend got clean, and he and the gay man met up to reminisce about old times again. The friend told the gay man he had a confession, and the gay man assumed the friend was going to say that he was gay, too. That's how the story was going to pan out in my mind: the gay man would meet another and they'd find strength in one another. Instead, the friend told the gay man that he was transgender.
I don't know why, but this upset me for some reason, and a little voice in my head told me, "What if that's what you are?"
It nagged at me enough to Google, "What is gender dysphoria like?" I came across this page:
http://freethoughtblogs.com/zinniajones/2013/09/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/- I identified with symptom #3 somewhat. I assumed that I had no sense of self and was letting other people fill the void for me. It wasn't until recently that I've tried to become my own person.
- Symptom #4 I identify heavily with even now. I don't know what I want to do with my future, and everyone has constantly told me since I was 13 years old that I need to know NOW.
- #5 was another "somewhat" answer; I've always felt different because I run into unique problems with technology that no one else has run into before, I like different music and video games from everyone else, I'm not as ambitious as the rest of the world seemingly is, and my anxiety and depression (Or what I thought was depression--I'll talk more on this later.) just got the best of me more often than not.
It worried me, because I do know how bad my transgender friends and acquaintences have it. I've been shown hate and bullying all my life, though never for my sexual orientation, just my appearance. And I wasn't sure I could handle the fact that, were I a woman, I definitely wouldn't pass and would run the risks of being harmed.
I talked with my mother about these things, and she identified with almost the same symptoms I did, my "somewhat" on #3 being the different one. She has manic bipolar and severe depression.
The second page I came across was this forum. I hope it's alright to share others' old posts.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=55848.0"Basically, the main thought present in your head at all times is that you just want out and you see your life passing by and the grains of your time slipping right through your fingers. People are living. You watch them living and you want to run after them and catch up and live too. You just want to smash every clock you see and say 'wait. stop going! let me out. i want to live too. please don't run out of time before i get to live too.'"
That accurately sums up how I've felt about life since I left high school. I haven't found a job, most of my friends, online and off, turned out to be fakes and flakes, I still don't have a cell phone, and I still don't know how to drive. I feel so useless, since everyone else I know is moving onto a new, exciting stage in their lives.
A small history of my friends: S joined the military, M has a job and a boyfriend, R is a mother of two, A is seeking new employment and curbing her drinking habit, and K recently became a sex-worker in a safe environment.
A few other posts in the topic--I won't quote them here since they, for the most part, reiterate the one I shared here--also corroborate how I feel.
I found another topic here that kind of describes how I feel.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,119478.0.htmlAt first, I thought I was like him, a girly gay boy who likes feminine things. And I could put the "small voice" to rest. But the "small voice" came back and told me I was a woman again. I talked with A about it, and she told me that it seems like those times you go on WebMD and come away with the fact that you have a life-threatening disease when you just have a little cold. She amended that not that being transgender is a disease, but my making such an important realization based on some arbitrary facts was kind of silly.
That made me feel alright, but the "small voice" still kept nagging at me. So, I sat down and pretended I was in a therapy session with my old counselor. In the fantasy, I had already told him what the concept of the "small voice" is.
He asked me, "What kinds of things does the 'small voice' tell you?"
I replied out loud, to the counselor in my mind, "It tells me I want to hurt children. It tells me I'm transgender. It tells me I'm a murderer. It tells me I have an Electra Complex." I began to realize that these were all suggested by people with manipulative or malicious intent. A father in the neighborhood didn't want me talking to or looking after his kids when they played by themselves. Two different massively narcissistic, manipulative former friends tried to tell me I'm trans and have an Electra Complex, respectively. And my parents have always treated me like a criminal.
The "small voice" sounds a lot like me when I'm being argumentative or trying to hurt people with words--linguistically violent like ear poison. And I think the "small voice" is trying to scare me into hurting myself, or something far worse.
I went to sleep with the realization I probably needed to hurry and get insurance coverage again, so I could see someone to get medicine to make the "small voice" shut up. I managed to quell it and was fine until I woke up a little bit ago.
It seemed, now, that my rational self and the Real Me, had been saturated by the idea I could be transgender. And I was OK with that, although a new frontier is always understandably scary. I just didn't want to succumb to the "small voice." But I needed to talk to the one group of people I hadn't brought my thoughts to: actual transgender people!
Here's a little bit about me.
When I was little, I played with Barbies. I still have a collection of dolls from Sailor Moon. I've always identified with women more and play as them in video games often. (I assumed that this was because of the deficiency of gay men in popular fiction, and this may not be a valid point, since my sister plays as men in video games often and identifies with them more.) I dressed up when I was younger in my mother's heels and shawl, and thought it was funny to walk around in said accessories. I was bullied for playing with Barbies by my father, and later peers, once they found out.
I've never dressed like a woman, though I have put on makeup. I don't feel noticably different when I put it on. I really like how sassy drag queens are. When I see a woman, I think, "She's so pretty. Why can't I be pretty like her?" When I see attractive gay men, I say simply, "He's so pretty." The man is the sex object to me, while the woman is someone whose look I want. Not the femininity, per se; I've wondered what I mean when I say that, and realized I mean--in terms of typical gender roles and gendered language--that "I want to be as handsome as she is pretty."
I like playing dressup and having extra costumes in video games. Fashion's always been one of the things I dabble in. And I really admire drag queens for being so sassy and upfront and gorgeous.
I love my facial hair. I like my penis, though I wish it was bigger and that I hadn't been circumcised. I also love my testicles.
I know when I'm lying to myself after having tons of therapy, and I've asked myself when the "small voice" isn't "flaring up," so to speak. And I said to myself, "I don't want to be a woman." I knew that was the truth. "I don't want to be a girl," also truth. Interestingly, "I am a man" and "I want to be a man" both turned out to be false thoughts, but "I am a boy" was true of everything I asked myself. I think that's societal more than anything else.
Here's my current self-diagnosis, and please don't get mad at me: I think I identify with the idea of being transgender. I know, it's so stupid of me to think that way. But I haven't had very many friends, and for about two or so weeks now, I've been lonely. It would be so easy to reinvent myself and say, "Hey, I'm Bobette, I'm FtM, please let me into your community--please be my friend and support group." One of the manipulative / narcissisitic former friends I know constantly reinvents their gender to try and seem "new" and "cool" and to find many new friends.
I'm wondering if that's all this might be, that I desperately want friends, and the "small voice," which has lead me astray all my life and brought me into one problem after the next, is just trying to convince me. The "small voice" definitely doesn't sound like anything rational, despite its ability to influence my rational thought.
However, I really do want some opinions, becasue despite whatever resolve I come to, the "small voice" rears its ugly head and yells at me again.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I felt the need to put everything I could find in the "pockets" of my mind on the table.
Thank you for your time, I'm sorry if anything here draws offense.
