Hi everyone I am Jayne,
I joined yesterday, and thought I would introduce myself girls. I have to say that this site is amazing, with a lot of very beautiful girls, both inside and out. Some of the comments are truly beautiful, good advice and openness and honesty, a refreshing change now days. I, as probably all of you knew from a very early age that there was something different with me. I simply wasn't the same. This was in the seventies things were shall I say, a little different then, the lines were blurred between females and males, clothes were androgynous. However, I have always been a girly sort of girl really, so I shopped, a lot, bought loads of clothes, and had to carefully hide them from Dad, he never understood, Mum always said that is why he left. So when he did, out came the lot, I found some dodgy hormones, and self-medicated, did some odd things to me, headaches sickness, but then my boobs started to grow, I would spend hours in the mirror just staring at them. So I threw out all of my boy things and went full time, I was 14. School was odd at first, and to my amazement the teachers didn't notice, so again I took full advantage of this like painting my toes in gym class cherry red they were, the boys just stared at me, I just stared back, bit my lip and carried on. I remember thinking grotty smelly things boys!! I even used the girl's toilets. Then the games master saw me in the shower, boys changing room girls!! I stood there stark naked under the shower, my deformity neatly tucked away, little boobs on show. He didn't know where to look; he grabbed a towel, threw it round me and dragged me to the girls changing rooms, told me to use them from now on. The other girls knew, so it really didn't bother them. In fact we all started to giggle at him. Life was to say the least sort of normal, and then I met Kevin. Well when I say met him, we were at school together, some classes, I had often looked at him. We bumped into each other at the cinema, he said hi, I did the same and then he said would you like a coke. I blurted out yes, thinking back I think I sounded a little too eager, but hey I was 15 by now and yes even then I knew a hunk when I saw one, he was gorgeous, I said to my sister, sex on legs, I would go weak just looking at him. We had a lovely time, I grinned stupidly all the way home, with this new and rather delicious felling. I was tingling all over. And I mean all over! Then I fell in love with him, totally. He bought me flowers and chocolate all the time; he made me feel beautiful and loved. I used to strut along with my little boobs thrust out, head high, I had a boyfriend even Mum noticed. We had been kissing, a lot, and I knew he was getting frustrated, it was impossible to ignore sticking in your tummy like that! Then it happened, he said can I see you naked? My reaction was; I ran, I ran screaming, I ran for a long time, I found myself sat under a tree, and cried for hours, thinking why, what had done that was so wrong that God would do this to me. I couldn't give him what he wanted and he would hate me. I stayed away from school the next week. Spent all the time in my room, crying. The following weekend my Mum shouted that there was someone to see me; she had no idea that I had been seeing Kevin. I went down and there he was, he asked to speak to me, so we went to my room. He sat on the bed and asked what was wrong, why I had ran off. The look on his face broke my heart it never occurred to me that I would hurt him, I felt a complete bitch. I broke down and just threw myself into his arms, I lay there crying, he was stroking my hair and telling everything would be OK, I sat bolt upright and screamed that it would never be OK, I am not what you think I am I said, he just grinned, that made me cross and I started to throw things at him, he laughed, I know Jayne, and I don't care I love you, was all he said. Well girls I won't go into any detail but I crumpled he took me in his arms and we made love right there and then, he was so gentle. God knows what my Mum thought! I had it all, for the first time I made sense. My little piece of paradise lasted six months. We had been shopping and saw a movie, Kevin had this thing that he would buy me underwear whenever and wherever he could. We were on the way home when we were surrounded by a group of yobs; they were older than we were, from the same school they had left before I went full time. They called me a freak and Kevin a pervert. Kevin went crazy and attacked one of them, he didn't stand a chance. Kevin was stabbed and died three days later, I was gang raped. The damage was horrendous, they used more than themselves on me. God I miss him still and I still love him. And I haven't been a girl for 35 years. Then last week something snapped. A girl friend bought me Lady Gaga Born this way, the words brought everything back in a flood and I haven't stopped crying since. My fave 'if you are a strong female you don't need permission'. So I am back, physically, and emotionally hurt, but back. I owe this to Kevin he loved me. So I will be the woman that he should have had, all six feet of me, 11 stone on a good day, straight up and down at the moment that will change very soon. But I still have my boobs though, even though small. So, I had a good pamper session on Sunday, shaved every inch of me, nails, hair the lot. Slipped into something nice from Victoria's Secret poured a glass of wine and cried through a good girly movie. Next HRT, I want bigger boobs, and some hips would be very nice. Pedicure and manicure every week, started today. Bring on summer, the boys want legs, then the boys will get legs, all mine, Kevin always said I had legs to my neck! I have found some gorgeous red kitten heels in TKMAX. I learnt very early that red lipstick and red heels put the fear of God into most men; boys stand by to be terrified! All of you are due respect and to be treated as you are. You are far stronger than any man, and far more woman than they could ever handle! I am not a freak, I am a woman, I was born this way, I haven't been me for 35 years, I may never find another Kevin, but I need to find me again. I have read some of the posts and some are truly heart-breaking, my advice, let go of the boy stuff. You are not male so why pretend. Once you accept then all will come into focus. Now I have to pack, I am off to Spain tomorrow, need some sun, and who knows a gorgeous hunk of a Spanish waiter!! I Wish.
Love to chat if anyone wishes to, and I will offer advice where I can, or if you just want a shoulder.
Love Jayne xxxxxxxxxxx
