Sexual Orientation

[Jenna Stannis]

Sexual Orientation And Non-transitioning

I've already had one topic moved, so apologies in advance if I've got it wrong again.

My (possibly navel-gazing) question has to do with something that my long-term partner expressed to me after I told her (10-years into our relationship) that I was transgendered. She told me that one of the reasons she did not want to continue the relationship is that she wasn't interested in having a lesbian[1] relationship, despite my assuring her that I wasn't going to transition.

However, her feelings on the matter were that even if I never expressed any aspect of my transgender nature in her presence, she would always know that I was transgender. On this point she is correct. But does it follow that if we were to have continued our relationship that it would, at least in part, be a lesbian relationship?

If yes, then does it also follow that all my past and future relationships with women have and will be gay relationships? Furthermore, does my female partner have to know that I'm transgendered for the relationship to be lesbian in nature?

Are these silly questions? Perhaps. But given the number of trans people who argue that any level of transitioning is a representation of an inherent gender identity, I think the questions are valid.
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1. Of course I understand that I'm speaking in terms of binary identities. In a perfect world, I would hope we wouldn't have to use rigid terms such as male and female or gay and straight.

[insideontheoutside]

At a certain point it's all just semantics. You don't have a vagina, but you're a woman. Your previous significant other didn't want to have a lesbian relationship. A lesbian is a woman who loves another woman. So body parts aside, you could say that all of your relationships with women are lesbian relationships.

However, my viewpoint is that there's two sides to every coin, so to speak. Take for instance my relationship. I married a man. He knows all about me. I happen to be bisexual though, so to me there's really nothing to "define" really. We actually don't even have a sexual relationship (which is also fine by me). But while he knows that inside I'm male, the rest of the world doesn't and they just see a "regular" marriage/relationship. Which I must say makes life pretty easy.

[Antonia J]

Yes, you're a lesbian born into a male body. This makes hetero spouses very nervous. Mine divorced me over it, even though I still presented largely male. She was worried about where I may transition to in the end.

[Declan.]

Even if you don't transition, if you're transgender, you're a woman. When we die, we're all the same, a pile of bones. Your body doesn't determine who you are, your brain does, or your soul, or both, however you want to look at it. You're a woman regardless of what you look like. So she's right, she doesn't want to be in a lesbian relationship. You would be lesbians whether you transition or not.

[Jenna Stannis]

My wife went through a state of mourning over the loss of her husband while I... still present... as male.

Yep, exact same story here.

Sorry to hear that your partner could not focus on the positive qualities in you that have kept you together for 10 years

After all our years together, I did find it surprising.

[michelle_kelly]

I agree that it is a matter of semantics.  After all it depends on how you or your spouse defines a lesbian relationship.  The traditional meanings are fine for cisgender but become unclear or worthless with transgender. 

I would keep talking to her about it.  Nothing has changed really except she knows.  She was interested in having a relationship with you before.  Your the same person so why break off the relationship only because now it fits into someone's definition of a lesbian relationship.  It may be hard for her to get past seeing in that manner.  But being understanding of her point of view might help and talking about it might strengthen the relationship with her. 

I don't think they are silly questions at all.  Something that needs to be addressed and depending on who you ask the answer may be different. But the only answers that matter are yours and hers not what other people think.  I hope the best for you and that it works out

[Stochastic]

I agree with Michelle. It would be best to work with your partner if the opportunity is still there. I would expect how one manages the mourning will help with taking the proper next steps. A therapist could help with better ways to recover from such an event.

Our example is far from a model example, but through hard work, we found a way to manage through the rough spots. We have a very close relationship although it is different from before because we are adjusting to find a comfortable fit in our new life.

Julia

[JustEmily]

But, love is love, isn't it?  Are you in love with the body or the mind/soul of the other? 

I assume you've been this all along, just coming out now and trying to be honest.  Words like lesbian don't really seem to fit... there's something inherently wrong with only focusing on the body part of love to me.  Eros is nothing without amor and caritas.

[Antonia J]

But, love is love, isn't it?  Are you in love with the body or the mind/soul of the other? 

I assume you've been this all along, just coming out now and trying to be honest.  Words like lesbian don't really seem to fit... there's something inherently wrong with only focusing on the body part of love to me.  Eros is nothing without amor and caritas.

It can be really threatening to the partner, though. It changes the equation. Even if they love the mind, it represents a new variable they did not previously understand. They are left with a lot of questions and uncertainty. Not everyone can make the leap to the conclusion you described, sadly.

[Jenna Stannis]

Yes, I have to agree with Antonia. I don't blame my ex for ending the relationship, even if I am a bit dumbfounded by the whole affair. I should have been more upfront about everything from the start. Unfortunately for the both of us, I had no idea who I was when we began our relationship, despite my dressing from the age of 7-years-old. Now I know. However, the need for disclosure will make promising relationships in the future extremely difficult to negotiate.

[_mango_]

Sexual Orientation And Non-transitioning

I've already had one topic moved, so apologies in advance if I've got it wrong again.

My (possibly navel-gazing) question has to do with something that my long-term partner expressed to me after I told her (10-years into our relationship) that I was transgendered. She told me that one of the reasons she did not want to continue the relationship is that she wasn't interested in having a lesbian[1] relationship, despite my assuring her that I wasn't going to transition.

However, her feelings on the matter were that even if I never expressed any aspect of my transgender nature in her presence, she would always know that I was transgender. On this point she is correct. But does it follow that if we were to have continued our relationship that it would, at least in part, be a lesbian relationship?

If yes, then does it also follow that all my past and future relationships with women have and will be gay relationships? Furthermore, does my female partner have to know that I'm transgendered for the relationship to be lesbian in nature?

Are these silly questions? Perhaps. But given the number of trans people who argue that any level of transitioning is a representation of an inherent gender identity, I think the questions are valid.
________________________________________________________________________
1. Of course I understand that I'm speaking in terms of binary identities. In a perfect world, I would hope we wouldn't have to use rigid terms such as male and female or gay and straight.

I think, personally, that this subject is sort of interesting.. For I am in a similar but opposite scenario. Prepare for a mind blower. LOL. BUT first. I think that telling people you are trans when you are and do not plan to transition are hit or miss. Telling someone 10yrs later is more of a betrayal than anything. I never told my past boyfriends I felt I was TG.. (born female, brain of a male just to clarify) The man I am with now was told before he and I got together. See, I told him about myself, knowing him as a homosexual man. I mean, 100000% strictly dickly. (as he put it) Now, you ask. How's that working for you? Well.. He fell in love with me... NOT as a "man".. But a lady. And he calls me his girlfriend, and now considers himself bisexual... Odd. Well, I knew transitioning is out of my question due to social, financial, and health issues. I feel adding anything to my body chemistry would end up a huge problem.. I am riddled with mental issues, arthritis, and SLE. But he see's me as a girl, his girl, but is aware of my TG personality.. And the types of sexual contact I prefer. I am free to be me.. and stay loved.. Which is a lot off my mind!

So where I am going with this, is with a non transitioning TG.. Their partner should be made aware, just so the lie doesn't linger and lead to questions.. and if the partner supports it.. You will get a healthy relationship and possibly the most mind blowing and versatile sex life you could ever hope for.

Her loss for leaving. You will find your partner that is for life as long as you maintain honesty, trust, and love. I never thought it possible/// but here I am!

[awilliams1701]

Ultimately this depends on the person in question. I've heard of cases where the trans girl's junk was treeted as a strapon and that emotionally they were in a lesbian relationship. For others physical sex is the sole determining factor. When I first started my journey I thought there was no possibility of getting a lesbian because "all lesbians hate dicks" I was certainly wrong about that. However until I start hormones I think I'm going to stay single. I can't comprehend liking guys, but what if I do and don't like girls? I think its best for me to start hrt and get to fully know what kind of girl ill become. If I wasn't planning on transitioning, it would be different.

[Wednesday]

I think this is just semantics. And maybe that she's afraid of a future transition.