I thought I would bring closure to this, not leave it open ended on the forum here.
Whatever it was, it turned into a major breakthrough in acceptance, reality, a new understanding of a non binary nature which I had been blind to, restoration of peace in marriage, all kinds of new knowledge, and some new friends here on the forum.
It has turned into the best thing that could have happened to me. It's like someone took the blindfold off.
Remember the movie On a Clear Day You Can See Forever? The sun is out and the sky sparkles.
It's real, there has been a bunch of very serious therapy around this including an emergency session, with breakthroughs and new understandings and full acceptance of both the male and female components of me. Or at least, the almost male LOL. I was mad at that component, I blamed him for everything and wanted to run away from him. Interesting.
Many thanks to all here. I believe I am safe, the change feels like the change I felt when I had my last tooth and nail fight with alcohol, and won. Then the craving left me as I accepted what that was and who I was, an alcoholic. This time, it was about accepting my true nature, and all that goes with it, and once fully accepted, sanity returned, and I am at peace with being a non binary transsexual.
It is a permanent change. I no longer fear my physical or mental dysphoria, I can embrace and understand both, my mind and body are integrated, the tension is gone, and I am free to explore wonderland, as a non binary instead of a full mtf transition. It will be a partial one instead, and totally authentic.
I just wanted to bring closure to the thread. We all need to see happy endings. There are enough sad ones.
Denial and self deception kills. Therapy is so important.
God Bless. I am hanging out in the non binary section now and feel free to pm me.
I do like being a survivor, like you are.
