When will this get easier?

[Katrinka]

I discovered my husband's desire to transition MTF about six weeks ago. Since then, I have gone from angry and ready to leave him, to hurt, sad, and scared to lose my best friend. I go to a therapist, and tell her everything, but it just isn't enough. I feel helpless and shameful and like a liar because I can't tell anyone the truth, I can't reveal my SO's secret, and as it turns out, i can't even trust him to be honest with me. I have been reading a lot on transgender, and I am really trying to be supportive, but the truth is, I do not have any desire to be married to a physical female. I have no problem with being married to a more "feminine" male, because that is how my husband is and has been the whole time I've known him; I never thought of him as not being masculine or feminine, just sensitive, and himself. However, I recently discoverd that he has been secretly trying on my makeup, has purchased womens clothing that he wears in secret, is actively exploring beginning HRT and hair removal, is practicing a female-sounding voice, among other things. He keeps saying that if I really love him, then I will always love him for what's inside and not the outside, and he implies that I am a superficial person for wanting him to look male. I don't think this is fair at all. I married my husband, I imagined us growing old and grumpy together, and now I am tortured inside. I don't want to get a divorce, i really want to understand him, but I know I won't be able to live my life as a lesbian because I am very much not a lesbian. I don't think it is fair for me to have to change my identity now that he has discovered who he really is. Marriage is supposed to be an honest union based on trust, but I don't trust him now and I feel like I am being guilted into loyalty because he has stayed with me all the times I have had an emotional meltdown or temper tantrum, made a jerk of myself somewhere, or cried over some miniscule thing that I took way too harshly. His decisions are sneaky and selfish. He says that I have a habit of always focusing on the negative of situations, that if I just wait for him to start low dose estrogen, his mind might become "clearer" and he'll feel more like who I think he is. I think he thinks I'm an complete idiot. I want to support him in his transition, I don't hate him and and I'm not angry with him (although I certainly was when I first found out all of this...I was ready to file for divorce then and there), but I am deeply hurt, sad, and disappointed. I don't know what I am supposed to do, because he is making choices and acting on behaviors without sharing any of it with me. I think he wants me to get rage-angry and storm out of his life so that he can transition easier, but then he says that he is terrified to lose me. I don't understand how my husband can not grasp the reality that when he becomes a woman, and is married to me, that we will be two married women, and for all intents and purposes, that is a type of relationship that does not fit my own sexuality or gender identity. The person I fell in love with and married I did so because of what was on the inside and the outside. I really don't know what to do. I feel utterly alone and terrified. Will this ever get easier? Do I have to give up my own happiness so that he can have his?

[Ms Grace]

Hey Katrinka

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum. There are plenty of other SOs here too so hopefully you can get some answers to your questions.

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Do I have to give up my own happiness so that he can have his?

No, you shouldn't have to all. However, how the two of you can arrive at a happy solution that is suitable to you both might be a fairly difficult path.

Without taking sides, I would suggest your partner took to trying make-up, etc in secret due to feelings of shame. For many trans people there isn't any deceptive intent when they try something like this behind their SO's back - there is so much social negativity around what being trans means most people start their journey very privately.

Cheers

Grace

[Katrinka]

Thanks for not taking sides. Why I feel so hurt is that after the initial shock wore off, and I started reading everything I could about transgender, I told him that I want to be part of his support system, that I am terrified of where this is going to lead US, but that he needed to be open and honest about everything with me. He agreed: he agreed not to make changes without telling me, not to start medication without telling me, etc., and then he is going ahead and starting all of those things anyway. I am so full of uncertainty; on one hand, I think if I can help him with things like makeup and hair and clothes, and it is something that he does at home, but still lets me have his male identity most of the time, then I can live with this; however, he is full on researching starting HRT, and I know that I am not confident I will want to stay with him. He truly is my best friend and a terrific husband, but I feel so betrayed! He is cutting me out of this process, first by telling me that he wants to go to a specialist to discuss his identity and that he doesn't actually "hate" being a man, but then joining FB groups and having late night texting sessions with people he's met online who support him, and testing out his preferred identity in secret. When I ask him to be honest with me, he lies and says he has told me everything there is to tell, but then leaves evidence around that he hasn't at all (an open ipad or his phone or a book). I am in no way a perfect wife: I am emotional and very difficult at times, stubborn and when I drink too much wine I get sloppy and impossible to reason with. I have found that since this news made its way into my life, I have had a lot more wine, and I am not happy about that. There are days that everything is fine and we laugh and we cuddle and we have intimacy, but I can never shake the idea that all of those times are limited and perhaps just a ruse. He justifies his deception by saying his is afraid to tell me things because of how I might react, that he doesn't want to feel "attacked" (which is when I ask a lot of questions, and seek clarification, and he doesn't want to answer or doesn't have an answer so gets frustrated), or that we'll have some hours-long discussion that he feels is going no where because I'm just being too demanding for closure or clarity or whatever. Sorry...this is getting really long. I have so many things inside of me to say, and once I start, it's like a flood. 

[forty-two]

Hi Katrinka,

I'm a ciswoman married to a transwoman.  I've been reading here for a couple of years and have been a member for a short while...although I've never bothered posting anything until now.  (The significant other forums are rather quiet)

First of all, your love for your husband is clear in your words.  The additional mix of feelings (hurt, fear, sadness, etc) are also very obvious and they make perfect sense.  I really feel for your situation.

It seems that you really want to support him in this, and that you would like to be involved in the discovery that he's going through as it unfolds.  It sounds like he's not being as transparent as you'd like him to be and that the open discussions you hoped to have with him just aren't there.  It feels as if he's moving on without you. 

In your shoes, I would want to be part of the process, too.  I think that there's a benefit to you learning as he learns (re: hair removal, hormones, and everything that goes into all of this).  I think that if this process was something that the two of you could do together as much as possible, it might help you to have the same information that he has and then he might not feel so "attacked" when you're asking questions and seeking clarification.  Perhaps framing it in that way, he'll see the benefit in having you more involved. 

Do you know if there are any support groups for families that you (or the two of you) could attend in your area?

[Quinnfong]

I know I won't be able to live my life as a lesbian because I am very much not a lesbian. I don't think it is fair for me to have to change my identity now that he has discovered who he really is.

I don't think you should ever have to change your identity. You always have been and always will be who you are now. "Lesbian" is just a label society has given people who fall in love with women. But you don't fall in love with women (at least on a regular basis), you fell in love with your husband who just happens to be a woman. Transitioning will not in any way change him into someone you don't know. He has always been who he is and always will be just like you. The only difference caused by his transition is how other people see him. You are not a "lesbian" by loving him, he just happens not to like how society sees him and is probably uncomfortable in his body. You aren't changed in any way.

Also, on the point that he is being secretive and not telling you everything. He probably isn't telling you everything because he isn't capable of telling you, not that he doesn't want to. Telling a person how you feel is always hard, saying "your sad" is such a broad statement that can mean so many things and trying to articulate your gender identity that isn't given words to describe and is in-and-of-itself indescribable is hard. That's not in any way an excuse for him not to talk to you. He should talk to you and being your SO, it's expected of him. Not telling you about his decisions about HRT and otherwise is a big problem, but from my point of view, an understandable one. More than anything he fears rejection. From you, from his family, from society itself, and explaining all the things he's feeling and wanting to do and will do is like advertising that he's weird, abnormal, "not right", and that doesn't exactly spell out acceptance. The clearer he's able to make how he feels to you the more he probably feels separated from you. By not telling you, he's preserving for himself your closeness, but he's also pushing you away. It's completely understandable to want to know more about him and understand what he's going through, it's what a good significant other will do. But just as it's hard for you to learn this stuff and try your very best to accept it, it's hard for him to tell you for fear of rejection. His inability to accept possible rejection is the main problem.

I believe you love him, and that he loves you. Worrying about being a "lesbian" shouldn't ever be a problem, you aren't changing in any way by continuing to love him. And his secretiveness is a problem that you and him are going to have to address to continue your relationship. His affection is most definitely not a ruse and hopefully is not limited (unless you count death than maybe it is depending on if you believe in an afterlife); you have to try to make him understand your point of view and trying to understand his is something you already doing. And lastly, I want to clarify that all my advice may be bull->-bleeped-<-. I feel that I, quite frankly, am in no position whatsoever to give you advice. But despite that, I feel your relationship is important enough that even the tiniest bit I may be able to do is very much worth the effort.Stay strong. Don't give up on him please, he's always had faults and you fell in love with him anyway, that must count for something.