Its been a while since I made a post specifically on Ambigender/Mixed Gender.
With the recent posts about acceptance gender wise got me thinking about ambigendered.
I really am a boy, a girl, and mixed. I love many things about masculinity and being male. I love many things about femininity and being female. And I love androgyny and being intersexed (none genetic, modified) , mixed, androgynous.
Hatred to my genetic sex is not something I experience, nor any regret to the past that I had. I do regret the separation and denial of my total self that I experienced from age 12 ish to 21. Those 9 years of trying only to be male, and eradicate femininity and androgyny were horrendous. Its not that I hate being male, rather I hate being just male. Maybe its good I experienced those years, being that it has helped me to realize how important my gender is to me, and being caged in; imprisoned.
Many tears fell. Many steps walked with my head down. Anger and pain pushed inside.
I have never imagined, wanted, nor desired to live in total femininity or being a female. I have only spent a vacation week as a female (I dont mean the female image pics I took back when I was studying cosmetology that are sometimes used in my avatar, or on a website) going out and about. That felt as wrong as the 9 years of exclusive male-hood.
Having accepted the gender (s) inside me is something that happened in a major way (that realization and facing/confrontation) in the therapist in college, with Bowerman. Without her help I can only imagine what I would be like today now being more than double those 9 years (would be 11 more years, for a total of 20 years) of loss of identity, being only half. The past 11 and especially the past 4 years, have been wonderful, on an identity level.
Relationship wise, I had decided at the beginning of my current relationship to lay it 'on the table up front'. I did not want to be with someone that didnt know, didnt accept, or wasnt attracted to the real me. I didnt to even think about trying to "change" someone , which I know doesnt work. I had to jump through her questions and fears such as "are you a serial killer, are you going to have a sex change, do you like men, do you want breasts, what else do you want? and her own orientation questions. "And also took a while trying to figure if she was attracted to one that felt and was both genders. Even though verbally I had been up front with my identity, she had to "see it for herself". And judge latter how she felt. Although she had misunderstandings, occassional fear, and some bumps we are currently ok. And many discussions we have had on what it means on interactively, intimately, and romantically. As well as our financial, roles, and expectations/demands.
I face other problems now, although denial of gender identity and relationship gender issues are not part of the problems. though other things and issues arrise because of these very acceptances.
Social constraint problems is something I face. Fears of violence, loss of job, and confronting anti-androgyne people. Thats why I post andi-androgyne statements and writings. And the post about gender equality and fears. Hoping others comments can help in the confrontation or dealing with those one sided intolerance. I live in a very vocal southern baptist town.
A year ago I faced Coming-Out to others. Family, friends, and coworkers. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done, considering all of the false assumptions, fears, imaginary reactions, and inability to confront that had prevented my sharing with them in the first place. Although I lived in acceptance of self world, I had built blocks and defenses to reveal myself or any part that I denied to others. Family happened with much less 'problems' then I had imagined. Only a little of my mother's religion.
I still get the "why cant you just be a artistic feminine man" from my mom from time to time.
And a little of my oldest brothers seemingly apprehension. And once 2 people in my family knew, suddenly I found out they told everyone else. Like dominos falling down a maze.
Friends and coworkers was much harder.
I got everything from acceptance to misunderstanding of "how is being gay or transsexual different from how you feel". And a few that didnt care nor want to hear about it.
I dont know if they accept me, but at least they know now. And I no longer face the imaginary feeling and fear of being 'discovered' and my false fears that I had of imaginary horrendous future. And the self pain I felt from knowing 'they' didnt know the real me.
More recently I am focused on the new issues that I face such as the social constraints (real or imagined). And I face them on a ambigendered / mixed gender basis from the position of not just being nor accepting but now emphasising.
My other hobbies interests such as art, writing, sewing, jewelry (fashion/cosmetology), music suddenly seem to be seen in new light, or a old light, but more grown up newer way. I put emotion and part of myself into my arts. Books that I read seem to have different emphasis now at my older age.
I feel more socially and politically active. I even see religion in a different light. I guess there has been a different social adjustment since publically coming out. The way I interact with others is changing. Communication, activities, and saying 'No' to things that aren't right. I would like to find ways to help in the gender equality and gender politics.
My mixed biology/body feels right.
Anyway, this is one perspective from a mixed gendered person.
Feel free to comment, critic, or ask anything
Standing unbound in the field.
Ken / Kendra
