My continued reservations about who I am

[Reth]

Hello,

This is my first post here and was unsure of what to actually post, so thought I'd just jump in and try. I'm a 23 year old biological male, living in California and have had a lot of back and forth with my gender identity over the years - at a young age I guess I could be describe as more "masculine" as I liked playing with dinosaurs and violence and comics and other what would be considered "boyish" things (at least by my parents standards), but I was always very sensitive and deeply emotional comparatively. I dealt a lot with depression and bullying and my outbursts got so bad that I spent 3 years of my middle school in a special education class for emotionally unstable kids (not too bad since those 3 years were the best school years of my life). Even after that into adult hood I still deal with low self esteem and depression, and generally a lack of energy or enthusiasm.

Around age 14-15 I got heavily into the internet, and I found that I found a deeply comfortable and exciting time being female online and after awhile it seemed to fill a hole in me and I got hooked. After some time of this I came out to my parents as transgendered, but that only lasted for a handful of weeks with no conclusion - my parents didn't believe me, my therapist didn't believe me (said at best I was merely a crossdresser), and I dropped it as a point of conversation with my family from then on. It just sorta ended as a thing. I kept on my identity online though. Since then I've just played double life, being I guess just a generally quiet, reserved, nonromantic guy to myself when not online and when I'm online I feel free to be a loud, spunky, rambunctious lesbian and its just sooo freeing.

And that has been a problem for me my entire life, because physically I am male and I have a "male" mask/self I can be, but that side of me is not interested in sex or romance. I personally find the idea of having sex in my male body to be unsettling, disturbing, and a complete off-putting thought. My sexuality I guess can be defined as lesbian, because my female side is a hopeless romantic and I read cheesy romance manga and anime all the time, love a good romance, am a huge fan of the yuri/lesbian subgenre's of media. The only intimacy I've ever had is online role-playing as my female self with some girls I've known over the years online.

That has lead to a lot of problems with me, because whether I come out as transgendered (or dual gendered, its hard for me to tell sometimes) or just "lie" and say I'm a biological woman, it always ends the same way with girls I've liked: "Sorry, there are just barriers for us to go any further." I guess I'm very very luck that the girls I've come out to and admitted I liked were accepting and open minded about who I was, and a few of them are still acquaintances, but the "straight" girls couldn't accept my female mind and the "lesbian" girls could not get past my body. This hurts, but it also makes me feel very poorly about myself because at the same time I see exactly where they are coming from because my ideal significant other would be a biological girl as well. If that comes off as bigoted to anyone here, I'm sorry and I apologize - its just who I happen to find attractive physically.

So after a particularly rough set of personal troubles with girls last year, my sexuality has completely shut down and I've made a lifelong vow for now to not get involved with anyone anymore. My male side really finds the idea of romance and sex to be troubling and genuinely uncomfortable, and my female side has been hurt too many times trying to open up to anyone on an intimate, emotional level. Maybe this is super confusing for anyone reading that I can seemingly jump between the two... I dunno. Its not really a "male" side as much as a "living with" side. But regardless, I don't plan to transition to female because I just don't have the time, money, or courage to go through with it and I very afraid of what surgery and hormones would do to me and my body - even though I don't like my body, don't like looking at it, and am not comfortable enough to share it... I dunno, its still mine and I'm still afraid of what happens to it on an existential level... But at the same time, I feel like either way I act relatively androgynous and even if I was physically female I'd "crossdress" male clothes and generally act largely the same. That has often times had me feel like a pretty ->-bleeped-<-ty girl, to be honest, because I don't feel like I am typically feminine either...

So I feel stuck. One side of me is content to just sit out sex and romance for the rest of my life and live in what comfort I can find, but inside is a girl who is a hopeless romantic that is crushed to tears that shes stuck in here and can only express herself through a keyboard. Every attempt at a relationship I've made has ended at best empty handed, so last year I had a long conversation with myself and decided it best to just shut my sexuality down. I've been virtually asexual for a year since and not flirted, approached, nothing with another girl since and the desire to is pretty much gone. I don't see an alternative to this because I don't feel like I'll ever physically be comfortable enough for real sex or intimacy, and its asking an unfair lot of a girl to look past my body. And the few dating sites I've looked into are by a huge majority seemingly guys looking for a transgendered woman, and I'm not interested in guys so I don't even know where to start.

I don't really know what to do and don't see any other options, so until I do I guess I'll continue my life as an asexual, average boring guy.

[suzifrommd]

at a young age I guess I could be describe as more "masculine" as I liked playing with dinosaurs and violence and comics and other what would be considered "boyish" things (at least by my parents standards), but I was always very sensitive and deeply emotional comparatively.

Welcome to Susan's, dear. This could describe me exactly. I've never felt like a woman, happily played with boy's toys, but was sensitive and got bullied a lot. I didn't understand that gender expression (i.e. what you like to DO) has nothing to do with gender identity (how our brain is wired).

I've spent the past 11 month living full-time as a female, and I've never been happier.

Good luck. I found all of my answers here.

[V M]

Hi Reth 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[jaybutterfly]

This was like reading back my own feelings!

I'm like you, I find girls wont accept my female inside, but some dont accept my male body. I can relate so much to what you're saying, and like you, I'm not brave enough to transition. Heck if I can avoid it, I will. I want biological kids, but my gender issues cause so much anxiety I can't even get a sexual response to other people. I want love, but I can't find a chance.

Message me sometime if you want to talk, because I feel some real empathy right now reading this. You aren't alone.

Welcome to the family by the way

[Ltl89]

May I ask you a few questions?  What do you look forward to in the future?  What are your aspirations?  And given these uncomfortable feelings you have regarding your sexuality and gender orientations, what do you think may help you alleviate them? Think about both the ideal and the realistic.  Maybe the answers to these questions will help lead you to a resolution for yourself.  I only bring up these questions because asking myself these things helped me before and continue to do so when I face my fears and concerns.  One thing I would suggest, if anything, is to look more into the future and present rather than the past.  The past may help give you understanding of who you are and how you came to be, which is important, but finding a resolution that works for you today is the end goal. 

[Reth]

Thank you everyone for the welcome

May I ask you a few questions?  What do you look forward to in the future?  What are your aspirations?  And given these uncomfortable feelings you have regarding your sexuality and gender orientations, what do you think may help you alleviate them? Think about both the ideal and the realistic.  Maybe the answers to these questions will help lead you to a resolution for yourself.  I only bring up these questions because asking myself these things helped me before and continue to do so when I face my fears and concerns.  One thing I would suggest, if anything, is to look more into the future and present rather than the past.  The past may help give you understanding of who you are and how you came to be, which is important, but finding a resolution that works for you today is the end goal.

My future in my mind is to try to become a successful artist/writer, which is really one of my only aspirations. I'd like a small house or apartment, a few friends to do stuff with, and to be able to live with that.

My resolution for the moment is to just achieve those goals and live a pretty solitary life I think. Honestly, I've never gotten to the point of falling in love with anyone - its always been 1 sided crushes, and I don't see that ever changing. I'm just content enough with my body to do that and nothing more, since going into a physical relationship with someone is something I'm probably never going to be comfortable with. There are times when I genuinely feel lonely, but then I think about what the alternative is and how much of a rough road its been so far and I stop worrying about it for awhile.

As far as a purely emotional relationship goes, I feel that'd just be unfair to the other girl. I have anxiety issues, self esteem and paranoia issues, and can emotionally snap under pressure - beyond someone else, I myself am not exactly a catch.

So my libido both emotionally and physically have both been shut down for now

[Rayne]

Well the way I see it a T-girl can be a tomboy. No reason you can't be a masculine girl. Why does your body matter in relationship to the girl's personality?

I've always had depression and self esteem issues as well. And I'm asexual. Even my inner girl has no sexuality. My boyfriend is Bisexual. When I ask if he's bothered by the fact that I may never be sexually attracted to him he said he loves me for my personality, not my my body. I really do understand being lonely. I was for years. I may not be as old as you (I don't know your age, nor do I need to), I'm only 26, but I understand the feeling. For me the depression seems to have eased off a lot once I stopped being so scared of my gender issues, and got rid of the denial, or at least most of it.

[Reth]

Well the way I see it a T-girl can be a tomboy. No reason you can't be a masculine girl. Why does your body matter in relationship to the girl's personality?

I get what you're saying, and if I was physically a girl I would be a tomboy - but my body matters in the equation precisely because I'm transgendered. The outward appearance (clothes, hair, etc) doesn't bother me nearly as much as the fact I don't have real breasts, and I have male genitalia - which for me is a really uncomfortable relationship barrier, and if all the girls I've opened up to are any pattern then then its a detail that matters to a lot of girls as well, straight or gay.

Outwardly, as my male side, I may as well be asexual and a-romantic since I find the idea of a relationship as a male to be distressing. But I look inside and there is this hopelessly romantic girl who wants candle lit nights out, to cuddle, to tease and flirt and worship another girl emotionally and physically and its like we're staring at each other through glass and we've both gotten tired of scratching at it. The best we've manged to do is workout a truce, if that makes any sense to anyone here

[meganB]

I will not write my whole history, but it comes down to the same as what you told. I coudn't love/like someone as a boy and the inner girl (she's somewhere between a regular girl and a tomboy) was hopeless romantic and liked boys.

It was only after I started living as the real me (the girl who was inside me) I was able to really like someone, but I still thought that I would ever find someone.

I fell in love with a good friend (a FtM) when I was about 3 months on the hormones (for the record, he made me fall in love with him). Unfortunely it didn't work out (why? Thats a question nobody knows. Even his friends, who I also know, don't know why and I'm also still clueless).

Because of that I learned that I'm able to love someone and that I'm able to be loved and now my worries are mostly gone (in that department, the nether department is still an issue for me). Now I found a really nice guy who I like and it seems he likes me. He has no problem with me being trans.

Don't go on dating sites for people who are looking for transpeople. Almost all are ->-bleeped-<-s and those are not the best people (that said, there might be a good one or two). Go to normal dating sites or lesbian dating sites (I don't know if they exist, but they might).

The other issues I had have mostly gone away in the time I started to live full time (I started to become happier ect.) and even more when I started on the hormones. Sure I still have some issues, but transitioning made me feel so much better.



My advice is to follow your instincts. If you feel that doing something or not doing something is the right thing for you then do it or not do it. If you want to give yourself some more time before deciding than give yourself some more time. You don't need to rush. Be yourself and don't hide it. That can be really hard, depending on the situation, but in the long run you will feel better.

What I really do insist you got to do is to find a therapist who know about GID (Gender identity disorder). He/she can help and guide you with these feelings. Don't go for a normal one because they don't know enough about this.

[Reth]

Don't go on dating sites for people who are looking for transpeople. Almost all are ->-bleeped-<-s and those are not the best people (that said, there might be a good one or two). Go to normal dating sites or lesbian dating sites (I don't know if they exist, but they might).

That is one thing I am scared of because I honestly feel uncomfortable dating a straight girl for obvious reasons. Ideally I'd want an understanding bisexual or lesbian girl, but then comes back the feeling that I'm personally short changing them or being dishonest. I don't even know where to start looking for a dating site, and while going to a lesbian dating site sounds appealing I am afraid how people would react to a trans* person posting a profile up. Even more so because I still don't know if I'll ever transition, so I feel disingenuous.

Maybe I am just over thinking, but this is the stuff that tends to bother me with relationships

What I really do insist you got to do is to find a therapist who know about GID (Gender identity disorder). He/she can help and guide you with these feelings. Don't go for a normal one because they don't know enough about this.

I did go to one when I was 15 who concluded after a few sessions I was only a cross dresser, and since then I've been avoiding them. Maybe I should try again

[Rachel]

Hi and welcome to Susan's

I went from age 22 to 29 celibate. I found a friend then lover for 22 years. I came out 1.5 years ago and the last 1.5 years have been rough but getting better. Therapy, HRT and an a tolerating wife has opened up my life to being me.

It will not go away but addressing the issues will help you to go in the direction you feel you need to go and help reduce or avoid a life of pain.

In order to be loved you must first love and accept yourself. It also helps being in places where being queer is welcomed.

[meganB]

That is one thing I am scared of because I honestly feel uncomfortable dating a straight girl for obvious reasons. Ideally I'd want an understanding bisexual or lesbian girl, but then comes back the feeling that I'm personally short changing them or being dishonest. I don't even know where to start looking for a dating site, and while going to a lesbian dating site sounds appealing I am afraid how people would react to a trans* person posting a profile up.Even more so because I still don't know if I'll ever transition, so I feel disingenuous.

Well the question boil down to question:
Do you feel like the inner girl is the real you (like the one you use on the net)?

I can say anything what I feel that should be done, but if i'm honest i'm one of the more lucky trans* people out there as everyone accepted me, lost no friends, it's somewhat accepted where I live and due to the Dutch healthcare I hardly have to pay for the things I need.

Do what you think is best and listen to yourself. It's probely the best way for someone to choose what they want to do.



You said you were afraid what whould happen if you went on the hormones. Check this post on Susans to see what can happen if you start on the hormones https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,144104.0 The biggest change the hormones give is the mental change. You will stay the same, but at the same time you will become intune with your feelings. So you will feel more emotional, but you will also be more able to sort out what you are feeling (atleast thats what has happend to me.

I can't tell you about the surgery because I haven't had it yet, but what I do know from others is that it changes nothing about who you are. It's more like that the last puzzle piece (genitalia) gets changed so that it fits with who you are.

About dating.
When you are ready, you will find someone or they will find you. This is something that just happens.